Monthly Archives: May 2010

Red Shade

Close my eyes
and once again
rolling gun-metal gray
spheres intersect seamlessly
rolling through each other
like a sea-surface
on a background of red shade

No meaning in the dream —
how welcome
that always is

Upon waking
though
the spheres become gun barrels
and the first thing I do
in the moment before full awareness
is shove them into my mouth

and again at random times during the day
it happens

unbidden, they appear
and I shove them into my mouth

I am exhausted from the effort
of pushing them away

but to close my eyes and try to rest
is just to begin once again

I do not keep a gun in the house
for this reason

but I’m thinking about it

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A Mean Freedom (First Draft — the bones of a piece)

First draft of something I’ve been working on.  Lots of work left to do here; wanted it out there for a breath of air.  Comments welcome.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A white-soled black sneaker,
a Chuck Taylor knockoff,
on sale for 75 dollars
in a store window.

Along the border
of the sole, white thread
on black, the following words:

PUNK ROCK MEANS FREEDOM

I have a violent urge
to stretch out a finger
and blot out
that “S”

to make it read

PUNK ROCK MEAN FREEDOM

so I will be able to breathe again.

In front of me a blond girl, professionally slim
and decked in designer-wrecked rags,

excitedly tells her similar friends
that she wants to get crunk tonight,

while a Ferrari
as black as a hole
bangs out white streams of bass
for the length
of its slow audacious cruise
down Thayer Street.

HIP HOP MEANS FREEDOM

and again I subtract the “S”
to get at some truth I can stand behind,

and the more these metaphors are strained,
the more they seem the same.

~~~~

It was 1975

when in two apartments,
one in Queens,
one in the Bronx,

two boys thinking the same thing
stretched out their fingers
and touched grimy windows,

each one writing those same bleeding words
in the gray condensation
on the pane:

Mean Freedom.

The city was falling apart around them both,

and each had a soundtrack
behind him,

and the boys who wrote those words
did not know each other
but for each their soundtrack
was freedom
and for each the soundtrack
was as mean as it was free.

~~~~

Let us proclaim
the mysteries of faith:

To deface a culture
is to create a culture.

Distortion
of a signal
begins with a tight embrace
of its source.

Degradation
of a signal
is a function of distance
from source.

A clean channel
doesn’t exist.

Genre is expectation.

Expectation can be packaged
for indefinite shelf life.

There is a shelf in the store for every expectation.

~~~~~~~

If you are hip hop,
if you are punk rock,
you understand that theft
is your birthright
and whenever you steal from a thief
you are washed free of stain.

A tag is reclamation.
A sample is recommendation.
A headspin is a compass in a maze.
A microphone always points toward Jericho.

A crunched chord is a fingerprint.
A sneer is an oath sworn in a kangaroo court.
A downbeat is a sustained objection.
A mohawk is a crown of broken handcuffs

and a microphone is always pointed at Jericho.

~~~~~~~~

Mean freedom
understands that freedom will hurt.
That there will be blood flecked skin
when the hand travels through glass
to snatch back what was taken.

Mean freedom doesn’t wait for Independence Day.
Mean freedom lights its fuses any time a match is available.

Mean freedom haunts.  It spooks
convention.  It curses and spits
because it knows it will be imprisoned again
at some point.

~~~~~~~~~

I burned holes in my jeans at 18.
I burned my hand with a cigarette at 23
then quit smoking for 25 years
only to begin again. 

I embrace the return of the fire.

~~~~~~~~~

The sneaker in the window
and its price tag are as costly
as the Ferrari when it comes
to the price of traveling that distance
from the source.  A signal
degrades, fades, a channel
falls like a rusted bridge,
a college girl gets crunk  —

and an old punk
steeped in nostalgia
reimagines a slogan. 
Just another day
on the street.

An embrace tightens and distorts
both holder and what is held.

Somewhere a boy
pulls the finger he’s just used
to write on a dirty window
back into his fist.

He punches out the glass
and in the blood he feels
the return of the real. 

Freedom
rocks from side to side,
prepares a counterpunch:

that’s a good start
but if you come through that window after me,
it shouts,
I will not let you pass any more walls
without a war.

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My God

The God you follow
has no guts.
Fucker full of peace,
not a mark on him
from fighting back.

Oh, I can’t go there…
I need a big-ass
warrior god, no Daddy
with a sensitive hand.
One that’s both male and female
and not afraid to hang
it all out for viewing.

Most of all One
who will put a hand on the scruff
of anyone sniveling down
on a frightful knee

and sneer into that wet face:

“Save yourself.”

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On Literary Criticism

The curtains
that fall across the light

when we try to explain to each other
how we put our fingers
on the mercury
in the language
that we use

are damask
and metal-threaded
and heavy

and they block the window
from which enough light
would come in
to make the slippery little domes
shine enough
for us to catch them

We all understand
how the words refuse to be corralled
easily
at our mere command

but cannot explain the methods of the chase
other than to say

it is difficult
and it requires an openness
to seizing them on their terms
as if they had minds of their own
and lives they seek to lead
independently of us

Some will invoke
a muse as the keeper
of their skill at the hunt
and others will speak
of rules and skill and craft

but in the end
we all know
if we let the light in
and scramble enough
we catch
what we need

and those damn curtains
just get in our way

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Delta Point

Each choice leads
to another.

First,
yes or
no?

Then,
today or tomorrow?

After which:
poison or gunshot?

From there:
where to do it?
Home, or motel?

Then:
note or not?

Pen,
or pencil?

Apologize,
or justify?

Signed or unsigned?

Yes or no?

A flowchart
of possibility
that ends at
yes, which is also
no.

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Etymology Of “Brown”

My last name
is likely derived

from the color of a swept wooden floor
or the dirt swept from it
into a pan
into the trash

from the color of shit
or the body of a dead blossom

from the color of waterlogged pilings
under a fog soaked dock

from the color of

things walked on
things discarded
things never seen

unless you’re drowning

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Combatting Despair

I do not trust
what is called “joy”
longer
than a second or two
beyond its initial arrival

or the feeling called
“despair”
for any longer than that
either

preferring instead
to poke at each in turn
until they morph into something
called
“closely watched anxiety”

which lasts and is
genuine

because I call it so
and can understand it with my head

while joy and despair
(not unfamiliar to me
but never completely welcome)
being more emotions of the marrow

are too bone deep
and beyond thought
to be trusted
to endure

the joy may leak free and leave me in despair
the despair may freeze in there
and still me

thus leaving me either way
in despair
too deep to break apart

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Mythology (draft)

1.
always

in the beginning
a presupposed entity
sees
unity
that must be
broken:

light/dark, water/mud

then after comes
life-spark:  sometimes
all at once, plant/animal/human;
sometimes an ordinal hierarchy
develops

there must be a rebellion then

there must be some trickster
to lead rebellion

at some point
there must thus be a war
between the beings of the myth
and those who are not of the myth
and some great secret forbidden
or treasure withheld
and thus there must be
a journey to seek it

thus a hero also
who must lose in victory

there must be some conquest whole or partial
of death itself

this becomes central to the subsequent story

and eventual foretelling
of an end time
and rebirth

for the chosen
and not the others

2.
by sorting among the various
repetitions and themes
a clear eyed bigot
can justify any belief
secure in the knowledge
that it will resonate for at least
one other

thus recreating their simple world
under the shade of mythology

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For Lorena

Once, while speaking with me
of a recently deceased mutual friend,
Lorena said,

“I have never stopped speaking
to anyone who has died; that would be rude,
don’t you think?  I find the dead to be cordial
and content with their new lives
and indeed, seem to feel that
there has been no interruption worthy
of the name; who am I to mourn those
who feel no pain in their own passing?”

I looked at her, so
ordinary, so calm, sipping coffee
as if it were the most normal thing
in the world to talk this way
of communing with the afterlife,

and it all seemed possible,
even probable, at least on that morning
in June, a few months before she herself
died quite peacefully in her sleep,
before we laid her away in a floral dress
and went back to our own lives.

Shortly thereafter, over coffee (again),
the two of us sat in our customary seats
and spoke as if there had been
no intervening passage for one of us,
and I poured her cup after cup as always
while we looked out over the lake

and discussed the nature of light
and its persistence, how it would change
during a day,

how it can play and shift itself
through the laurels and over the granite ledges
and yet retain the same intangible quality
of being “light,”

how it keeps faith with us
and never completely leaves us,
even on a moonless, starless night.

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Rockdale

I gave a woman a baby once —
It was only a small one
but it felt tremendous

Didn’t foresee me turning into
Bobby Responsible
over that
but I did

For a while it worked well
Then that baby died
Left a baby shaped hole — a very small one
We leaked fast from that baby shaped hole
and dissipated

I came alone to Rockdale
to peel wallpaper
and beer labels

In a Rockdale apartment
down by the old mill
I think about that baby
who is somewhere babies go
when they’re not alive anymore
and about her
wherever she is now

I think she would not know me now
I don’t know what to call myself
Bobby Responsible may still work

but not the same way

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Everything Is A Mission

Again, for the second night,
stupendous winds in the dark.
I should take greater note of it —
after all,
everything is a mission —

but instead I sigh
and turn my face from the window.
It will wait, I say,

but will it?  What blows across the weeds
tonight?  Is there angel or demon
in that wailing?  Some lost spirit
looking for a translator?

The wind doesn’t care. 
It tells its stories
to anyone who will listen
and leaves it up to me
if I want to answer.

It will wait, I say again;
less certain, though, I fight sleep
and wonder if there is something
I should be doing now
that should not wait. 

Everything is a mission,
and who am I to decide
not to undertake it?

Knowing
that demand, I turn my face
to the wall anyway.
Sleep robs the wind of me
tonight, but the wind
will wait me out, knowing
I will have to respond
eventually.

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Grape Wine And Corn Beer

I’m the son
of grape wine
and corn beer.
Drunk on heritage,
can’t get sober.

The desert before me
is long, the mountains
hem it in so tightly,
and somewhere beyond,
the sea.  No hope of seeing that
blue in sunlight,
or its steely gray
shining needles under moonlight.
The murderous angel
of my history,
heavy in ink on my back,
wears wings too weak
to carry me there.

Always, the distance
to be traveled
remains the distance
I have traveled,
staggering, sotted
with the weight,

but I do so
knowing
to travel is the only way
to get clean.

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Cold (Political Discourse)

It’s cold
Aren’t you cold
Aren’t you surprised by how cold it is
In mid-Spring and it’s this cold
What about the global warming
I was looking forward to that
Wow
It’s cold
I saw a bear looking sleepy
There’s a snowplow still on a truck
Damn
The cold seems to be sticking
What about that oil in the ocean
We’re going to need that oil if it stays this cold
I saw a butterfly with a sweater
I saw a tree changing color and it barely had leaves
Cold
I think it might snow
I want it to be warmer
I demand it be warmer at once
Nature isn’t supposed to not conform to our expectations
When the calendar is this clear it ought to be obvious
I have a lot of calendars and they all have warm pictures on them
But it’s still cold
Cold as maybe March is cold
Not as cold as February of course
But cold
The world’s a couple of months behind
We are falling behind
What about cookouts and bathing suits
What about the top down and the beach
I blame the government
I blame fucking Obama
I blame someone
What about global warming anyway
Didn’t they promise us it was getting warmer
I’m going to stop recycling if this keeps up
It’s cold
Gotta be sixty out there and it’s supposed to be seventy
I’m afraid it’s going to stay this way
I’m afraid it’s going to go the other way
I’m afraid
Cold
Afraid
Cold
I’m going to start a fire

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The Mighty Hunters

Tentative
as my cat (also known
as “the mighty hunter” for his skill
at slaying centipedes) testing
a pile of books to see
how well it will hold him,
I approach each day
slow foot by slow foot,
not adding weight to any step
until I’m sure I will not fall.
In this way I have maintained
a perfect record
for many years,
remaining alive without
going too far. And much like
my cat (who lives vicariously
through the squirrels
under his window)
I’m fat, and neutered,
and restricted (yes,
I know it’s self-imposed
restraint but by now
it may as well be law)
to square visions of
an outside world, but
as long as my books
will hold me, I am mostly
at peace
with days such as these
and their remote dawns.

My cat, through long habit,
will not even attempt
a rush at an open door
any more;

while I still
sometimes will step out
and dare and risk
a second or two of new,
there are too often times
when things go mildly
off track and I am forced
to be more alive than I can
easily recall how to be — say,
having to address
an uncomfortable pause
in a conversation when I have blurted
more truth than I can reasonably
stand behind in further dialogue —
moments, in fact, much like this one —

as I’ve said, there are times
when I think my cat,
fat, old, and sedate though he may be
in his miniature explorations
of familiar ground,
has the right idea
and understands more clearly
the limits to growth
than I do.

So I too
more and more
test each step
for footing
as chatter and leaping
go on around me
at a safe distance
and pet the cat
with a book in my lap.
We pretend we’ve seen it all and done it all,
and play the mighty hunters
retired.

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Cigar Prayer

Thinking hard during
a night drive north
on an empty road,
the dark rolled tight around me
like a cigar wrapper.

This evening
a young girl with a strange name
asked me why so many of my poems
seem to include some reference
to being apart from my body,
inhabiting it as a foreign entity.

I know it’s true —
I am a passing voice.
Every moment a container,
a long tube awaiting flame.
I’m the filler made
to go up in smoke.

When she asked me if
I ever feel whole

I could feel the weight she was ready to hang
on the answer…

and said yes,
there are moments. 

And then I stopped,
unable or too shy
to explain.

We looked at each other.
She shook my hand and left…
and what I should have said
came to me on the road, here, now,
hot with the urgency of needing to get home
to my bed, to her…
should have said:

Don’t worry. 
It will happen,
It will be better.
Someone will set you on fire,
or you will find your own source
of spark,
and you will understand unity
as a curl of white in the air
that scents everything, that makes you
and the air and the breath and the fire
one.

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