Combatting Despair

I do not trust
what is called “joy”
longer
than a second or two
beyond its initial arrival

or the feeling called
“despair”
for any longer than that
either

preferring instead
to poke at each in turn
until they morph into something
called
“closely watched anxiety”

which lasts and is
genuine

because I call it so
and can understand it with my head

while joy and despair
(not unfamiliar to me
but never completely welcome)
being more emotions of the marrow

are too bone deep
and beyond thought
to be trusted
to endure

the joy may leak free and leave me in despair
the despair may freeze in there
and still me

thus leaving me either way
in despair
too deep to break apart