Originally posted 9/3/2010.
I was tiny at first,
a germ of an idea
one malignant synapse
“There’s the bridge,
there’s the abutment,
you’ve got the car,
consider the possibilities –”
Right away you tamped me down
like a piece of garbage barely too large to fit
into the bag the rest of your garbage was in,
but like a paper cup that won’t stay crushed,
I forgave you, reshaped myself, and stuck around.
It’s been fun and games since then.
I wouldn’t have missed it for the end of the world.
You tell yourself I’m just a product of chemical tilt.
I tell you how you could right that in a second.
We tango, we party, we bullshit,
we know each other very well.
I push your eyes to the knife in the nightstand.
You slip me a drink or a pill.
I settle down for a little while
until the storm or the money or the latest fight with family
gives me an opening to suggest
that a gun
isn’t that hard to get,
you know the right people for that, and if all else fails
there’s always the roof,
there’s always the car and a bridge — I’ve got a list
of them, how you could make the skid look accidental,
which rails look the most rusted and ready to break,
how the long fall to the river below would guarantee
a minimum of lingering pain.
Nonetheless, you stubbornly stick around and treat me like dirt.
I can’t blame you. I’m a terrible flirt
and I know I drive you crazy — but still,
there’s something in the way
you always come back…c’mon, take me into your ruined confidence
for real tonight. Let me whisper
the good things I can do for you —
how I’ll buck you up
and cuddle you
as we finally do what I want
for a change.
I was born to love you
all those years ago
in the moment I told you it was OK to listen to me,
and you did. If only for a second,
listen to me again
and then show me how you love me.
I’ve only ever had
your best interests at heart.
When I say “it’ll be over
in moments and whoever’s left to clean it up
will get over it eventually,”
I’m not being selfish.
I’m just telling the truth.
They’ll forget you after a while
in a way I never have,
at least not until
you forget me for good
the minute you let me
all the way in.