Daily Archives: July 27, 2020

I Feel Petty (O So Petty)

Had I been
more attractive
in a conventional sense
I would have meant 
so much more to me,
I’m sure.

But as I was not
I had to fall back upon
my broken brain
and its sad companions
my torn-up heart and soul.

I did what I could
with these and somehow
was lovable enough to some
but if I could have been
more lovable to me?
Who knows
what might have happened?

This is less complaint
than a field note,
something to leave for 
a researcher to ponder.

But it would have
been something

if I’d felt
that I’d turned a head
just casually, if I’d felt
a glance burn in
a touch longer than usual —

petty longings,
trivial regrets,
a notion I’ll shake off
the second I’m gone.

School Days

They are praying
to the god of gambles,
offering children in tribute.

Never had any of my own,
but still not willing to risk
losing anyone else’s. Tell me:

to what stronger god
may I pray to try
and get them a better deal?

Give me their name,
the place of their shrine,
the preferred sacrifice,

and I will make a pilgrimage
and an offering of my own
on behalf of yours

and mine —
the ones
I never had,

the ones I know
I would have died for if
I had.

Maybe that is why
I am here — to strive
on behalf

of the normalized
path I was not
healthy enough

to take. To offer
a hope I never had
to others

more equipped for it.
To be at last of some use
in a nearly useless life:

to take
the divine gamble,
offer myself to the odds.