Tag Archives: suicide

Three Cats

I think too often about three cats
who some decades ago

forced their way
into my bathroom

and came close to me there on the floor
and walked around and around me, tails

an unrelenting massage, not speaking
but nonetheless not allowing me

to finish what I’d started. Staying with me
until I put down the knife 

and got up and wiped away
sweat and snot

and tried to look
once again like a willing survivor

before I left the bathroom 
to reenter and face the kitchen

and take myself back to bed
where I woke hours later

crowded off to the edge
to find all three still with me

as they apparently still are,
somehow.


Thrills And Chills

Once again
one is learning how close
to an edge — cliff
or knife — one can get
before committing.

Climbing down, coming back
from that leaves one
breathless, as if
the act itself would not
have done that better
and left one more stable and
arguably in better shape.

Let’s do it
again and again
till we finally blow it,
says the Other,
a diamond point tool 
in its hand
as it carves
another itty-bitty notch
on some weakened
crucial bone. 

Who’s we, another voice
asks the drill bit.

I’m carried along with you
unwilling, hoping for closure
when you finally slash or leap;

a sense of finality
that will then end
in minutes or seconds,
depending on your follow thru.

After that passes,
no one knows if it
will hurt or heal.

Not hoping
to learn it soon, but
I suppose
that if you come here again.
I will be there. 

Deal, says the Other.

One comes back
to dulled life and 
is whole again
for now. 


Poem For Chris Branch

Originally posted 11/06/2007.

I met him
on a bus full of poets
in Baltimore

Funny guy — a long
fellow always trying
to stretch out and sleep

in those cramped seats
Cowboy hat pulled down
as low as it would go

Knew him for
five whole days
before the night

we argued about medications
outside a Boston bar
Leaning against the wall

he told me he’d never agree
to take them
if it meant losing his poetry

My bracelet matched his tattoo
Looked better on him so I gave it to him
He hugged me and tugged

a ring of woven silver
from his finger
and set it on mine

It was too big
so I wore it
on my thumb for a while

then later 
put it away
as it did not look good on me

Several years later
while scouring the Web
I came across the news

that he had hanged himself
a few months earlier
I dug out the ring

that now fit my fatter hand
I began to wear it
on the nights

when I went on stage in stage clothes
while feeling a rope
might fit me better

I did not know you well enough, Chris,
to bear your legacy —
just well enough to remember it

but you should know I wore your ring, Chris
on important days until
it vanished in a recent break-in

Weary today from that loss
and so many others
I remember you had a son

One of these days I’ll find him
Tell him the little I knew of his father
Apologize for losing his ring — your ring

I will tell him what I recall of how you wore your hat
How you wore your ring
How you snored for miles and miles

Gentle on stage
Played a wooden flute
Hugged a stranger when it seemed right

I will tell him
of my promise to myself
that I will never learn your final secret, Chris — 

how it feels
to let the man go
and leave the poetry behind


Poem for Chris Branch

I met him
on a bus full of poets
in Baltimore

Funny guy, long
fellow always trying
to stretch out and sleep

in those cramped seats
with his cowboy hat pulled down
as low as it would go

Knew him for
five whole days
before the night

we argued about medications
outside a Boston club
Leaning against the wall

he told me he’d never agree
to take them
if it meant losing his poetry

I told him I’d rather
lose the poetry and keep
him alive

My bracelet matched his tattoo
I gave it to him
He hugged me and tugged

a woven silver ring
from his finger
and set it on mine

It was too big
I wore it
on my thumb

Several years later
while scouring the Web
I came across the news

that he’d hanged himself
a few months before
I dug out the ring

that now fit my fatter hand
I wear it still
on the nights

when I’m on stage
and feeling a rope
might fit me better

I wear your ring, Chris

I did not know you well enough
to bear your legacy
just well enough to remember it

Weary of its weight tonight
I remember
you had a son

One of these days I’ll find him
Give back the ring
Tell him the little I knew of his father

How you wore your hat
How you wore your ring
How you snored for miles and miles

Gentle on stage
Played a wooden flute
Hugged a stranger when it seemed right

I did not know you well
but I still have your ring
When I take it off for the last time

and hand it to your son
I will tell him of my promise to myself
that I will never learn your final secret

of how it feels
to let the man go
and leave the poetry behind