Tag Archives: meditations

Planking At The Afterparty

An event is taking place. 
An incident happens during the event.

People run toward it from their seats. 
People see what they see,

react to the incident,
then react to the reactions.

The reactions add layers to incident and event. 
It all thickens and gets lumpy with all that’s being added. 

History adds its own layers
as people refer to history

and then there are reactions
to the event as it also becomes history.

People rip the incident out of the event
and turn it into a plank for whatever floor

they will walk on from now on.
It doesn’t fit as smoothly in some as it does in others.

But there was only one incident in one event —
how can so many people install it in their flooring?

Maybe they were all watching different events
and there were many different incidents,

or perhaps reaction and history created 
the multiplicity of planks people use to build their homes.

They walk the floor from now on
and other people who come by now

stumble on that plank because
it never is quite smooth enough

not to stick up a little. It’s not like it is
in their house, where to them the floor

is as smooth
as a good story.

All planks stick up a little to someone.
Everyone’s tripping on a different plank.

No one walks a straight line anywhere. 
Every last one of us

tripping, stumbling,
falling into one another.


The Bridge Near Walmart

This young couple
holding hands,
walking over the bridge 
toward Walmart.

Her knee-ripped jeans, 
his puberty-popped beard;
heads down, talking
with apparent intensity

about something we
won’t ever know and maybe 
they won’t even know if
you ask them about it tomorrow.

It’s early April in the city 
and the city spring, wearing its con-artist smile,
promises so much future to these two
they can’t see more than two steps

ahead of them. Cross your fingers
for them, friends;
cross your hearts
and hope they thrive. 


Three haiku

NOTE: I almost never write haiku.  Just not my wheelhouse, and I respect the traditions of the form too much to mess around with it…most of the time.

I have friends who are absolute haiku masters who would certainly question my adherence to the old 5-7-5 rule we all learned in school. That’s fine; just taking the form out for a stroll, leaving the training wheels on.


Violets clinging
to cracks in a lakeshore rock
Waves falling just short

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wind with no home
seeking rest under my eaves —
Roof rises laughing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This wind broken branch —
how shall I move it aside?
I let it lie, step around. 


Clowned

Living unclowned 
by others sounds
wholesome
until the day
you are taking
a principled stand
and the mockery starts

Your wishing well becomes  
clogged with bad laughter
so you retrench and imagine 
things are already different
and the clowns have been silenced

You imagine that
on the other side of the clowning
there will be the grace of 
the trapeze artist flying
high above the astonished 
and grateful crowd 
so you take a deep drink
from the well and get up
and take your stand again


On Fire, Always

I do not
much like
my head being 
on fire.

My head is
always on fire. Therefore
I do not much like
“always.”

“Always”
never stops, by definition.
It may cool down occasionally
but is always throwing sparks.

You think this is 
a metaphor (as it is)
but real people come by me
sniffing the air, asking

“do you smell smoke?”
even when I am
standing in the rain
or when it is obvious

that I am in deep water,
in over my head by choice.
They ask me to come up
for air and ask if I can

smell the smoke. I say,
why do you think
I am in the water? why do
you think I am trying

to stay under? how is it
that you are not ablaze
as I am? I am
always surprised

that they are always asking about
smoke they can smell
and never about a fire that by now
they should be able to see. 


Mid-Apocalypse Dreamtime Rag

These cats won’t eat 
what I give them.
They come to bed, 
sit on the dresser

and night stand, staring me awake.
Sitting right behind them?
Ghost cats who will eat
and are also demanding food.

What does one feed
a ghost cat? They’re so thin,
so ornery. Maybe ghost fish,
fresh from the docks?

I get up, walk to a harbor
not far from here
full of boats
but devoid of docks;

fog on the water, the boats
and their catch
rotting in the fog,
the exorcised demon fishermen

of twenty centuries
wailing to come
back to shore. 
I flee. Is there a market

somewhere near here
that might have canned food
for ghost cats? I left the house
with no money, though.

I don’t have money in general,
but no matter: all the markets
are closed for a holiday. No chance
of filling my needs that way

so I head for home through
streets full of paraders, naked,
brandishing willow wands,
striking each other across

the thighs, everyone squealing.
I pass apparently unseen by anyone;
re-enter my house, throngs of ghosts
around my feet, their eyes glinting

like swords. If I go back to bed,
no matter; all that hunger will slosh
around the room and there will be
no sleep. Let me sit here for a while

with you instead. We can imagine
a better world where neither live nor dead
shall feel want. Where the boats 
come back to port, where the willows

grow green in spring, where the naked
can wear what they want if they want,
where I don’t need ghost money to feed
my ghosts, where what I don’t have

doesn’t rouse me
from sleep to try and do
impossible things
to achieve peace of mind. 


Stall The Engine

To be fully alive
one must stall the engine

that carries you through
this ossified human stage.

Egg as you are now, indebted
to your job and reputation 

to hold you together
for lack of a being inside,

you must break the engine
with the understanding  

that as messy as you may become,
you are on the verge

of true incarnation at last:
not reincarnation,

for that is your first life
gestating within

the thin tough walls
you have shown the world

while your shell ran on a track
toward the shattering moment

when you will come forth from it
not as human — perhaps as dragonish

snake or armored hawk; smoke 
trailing behind you, the wreck

of the engine piled in your wake, at last 
able to breathe deeply, to fly.


Naptime

Choosing the right bed
for your longest nap
takes a lifetime:

shall it be firm or soft,
wide or narrow?  Or are you
resigned instead

to sleeping wherever
you eventually fall upon 
a flat space 

long enough
to stretch out
and be silent?

No matter how you do this
you live toward your sleep
from your first waking.

Some choice,
some chance, 
same sleep. 


My Role

Understudy to the lead screw up,
bogeyman in the wings
incessantly running lines
to stay ready, so ready to go on stage
and flounder, fall, fail.

A big break is coming
for certain. Small ones
keep happening
and momentum being what it is
all that’s needed is readiness.

For now, maintaining is enough.
Getting the inflection right 
when keening, having the right gestures
to accompany stepping off a cliff
into disappearance. Practice

makes for a perfect disaster, a step by step
breakdown of breakdown. Others
who’ve done this never have the chance
to make it better so first time must be
the last time and that last time had better be

so wrong it’s just right.


The Game Preserve

Revised from 2012.

When some people hear
I’m a poet they expect

that words like
French hummingbirds
will fall from my mouth:
flashing subtleties, gems
suspended on a crimson string
for them to pluck.

I want to say to them,

it’s not going to shimmer like that,
not always, not often.  Sometimes
there are no hummingbirds —
sometimes it’s just
one Worcester robin
doing its drab and wormy job.

Sometimes I’ve got 
a whole game preserve
inside me.  Hosting
a whole wilderness —
apparently that is so important 
it has become my vocation.

If you want to know
what poetry I have in me,
know three things:

one, beyond the
instantly arresting beauties 
I can introduce to you
there will always be some
that are hideous and you will
draw back and some so plain
you will not see them
at first;

two, among the
plain and ugly
will be some that are venomous
and some that will heal —
there will be the same among
the beautiful ones,
of course;

third,
whether peacock or slug,
three-legged dog
or most unexpected unicorn,

understand that I have to live with them
and I am the walls and cages they loathe.  

These aren’t pets.  
They don’t love me.
They all growl, claw, bite.

When people hear I’m a poet and ask to hear more
they need to be prepared for the blood.


Bone

see that bone
that bone that
dry bone

connected to
nothing
for too long

a bone 
long ago pulled 
from its wet nest

lies beside
the road 
leading out of here

it has been drying
forever out there
that bone could tell

some stories I bet
if you are willing
to listen 

imagine it is your bone
imagine you could put it back
it might offer wisdom

as to why
you gave it up 
in the first place

that bone
that bone that
dry bone

like you
connected to
nothing for so long


Fire Sale Artists

Revised from 2014.

I’m down
to my last hundred bucks
waiting for 
a late paycheck
and thinking of Sal Paradise
who (disguised as
Jack Kerouac) used to
wire back east from Denver
for twenty dollars
and consider it
enough money with which
to see the country
traveling across the continent
screwing women over
romanticizing the hustle

I will grant you
it was the 1940s
Money and hustle went farther
back then
but now I can’t even go
to the grocery store 
with less a hundred bucks

I sit at home 
fuming and sobbing
counting pennies
trying to do right by 
the woman I love

The only thing I share with Sal
and his friends 
is the whole suffer for art thing
They claimed more joy and less care
than I do
the feckless bastards

I don’t envy them
They mostly all died
drunks or fossils
They were fire sale artists when alive

EVERYTHING MUST GO GO GO

I’m just the opposite
I wanna hang on to something
but a hundred bucks isn’t enough
in 2022
to buy much that will last

Anyway if poverty
kills so much around me
that I have to hit the road
at some point
I won’t last long because
in 2022
they just shoot the mad ones

 


Calendar

The calendar is a falsehood.
It ought to be as spring in here
as it is outside but in here
winter is sticking around.

Looking out
at soggy old shit
that has been hidden
under the snow: see there

a little man,
a little fat man. Little old fat man
with broken eyes
and self-important whine

who has been stuck inside
for so long he can’t see green
at all. It might be coming but
he turns away and grabs

at the calendar
that he just knows
must be a falsehood.
Tears it down, tosses it

across the room at the 
recycling bin. March?
Give March to someone who
can use the mid-month hope.

Turns his back on the window,
his little old fat man back.
If he could see the incipient green
out there, he would be trying

to shout it back underground,
back to brown. There are 
more blizzards to come, he knows,
but not how long before they strike.


Atlantis

Revised. From 1999.

1.   Prelude

breakfast: approved fruits and grains and decaf

they sit and eat accompanied by radio’s easy news
of celebrity quirks
blood tragedy trivia
ripples over an abyss

there are the usual long silences
between two who’ve been together a long time
who once believed they had known each other
long before this life and are no longer sure

he paced his den last night
trying to recall the flavor of civilization

she lay awake upstairs
listening to other insomniacs’
fever fear of UFOs

if there were ever children here
they are not apparent now
so they will spend the day
as they spend every day

absorbed in paperbacks and gossip
never quite grasping the answering machine
if they were ever friends
those bonds have become invisible
in all this mist
that attends the slow closing of their world
as it slips to one side

and they begin to seek
Atlantis

2.  The Husband’s Library

Come into the
shadow of this red rock…

he read that phrase some years ago
it drives him crazy because he can’t place the source 

all he really knows is that as he read them the first time
the words rose out of his center like islands glimpsed from afar

and they are there still

some nights when he is lying in his den
surrounded by fabulous stories
he sees himself on one of those islands
draped in a fine robe
crouched in the cool shade
of an enormous sandstone ledge
he is adored by millions
who flock from the cities to see him

he stares across the crowd
from under the safety of his
natural pulpit 
is beloved
and is wise
and is haunted
by fiction

he knows his imagined wisdom
is all his own creation
there are plenty of other myths

that would have him crushed
or buried
or drowned

while the red rock loomed in the background
as metaphor
as symbol
some kind of doom
meted out by the earth
to those who dream of perfection
in small family rooms surrounded by fantasy

red rock looms
and looms
and looms

he drops his habit
becomes naked
in the presence of red rock

in a waste land
he never allows himself
to reconsider

3.   The Wife’s Radio

she lies down wide awake
as her clock opens the night with 12:47
it’s a good start she thinks
past midnight but not yet one o’clock
still time to get a good night in
barely AM

unlike

the radio that is always AM
and the man on the radio
who is always suspicious

he says

there are stars
that move

there are whiter
lines outside the yellow lines you can’t cross

there are cigars
over your head

there are scoffers
anywhere you look

anywhere you look
there are fools

there are people up
there

and down here too
but not visible

some are friends
and some are alien gray

blending into elf
tales we grew up with

the clock chimes in at 2:13
now we’re getting serious
now we’re speaking for everyone
who never gets out much
now we are talking olympus

he says

there are people
who are taken by the gods

there are stories
that don’t hold water when you pour it on

there are big heads
that won’t admit opinions

there are men in
the halls of power

there are women
under the sidewalks

there are marriages
that act like Kabuki parody

white faces farce
stereotype almost otherworldly

not ever quite
there

still awake at 3:36
way past dream now

is the rain natural this late, or this early

she thinks someone downstairs is tossing stones against
the windows
does she dare go find out
if facts are facts

he says

there are secrets
that look like commercials for mind loss

there are facts and
then there are facts

there are spotters
holding up the constitution for ridicule in the desert

there are old
stories that make ours seem like sequels

there you go when
you do go

when she falls asleep at last
nothing is stable 
except those huge eyes that shine like definitions

paradise has slipped

4.  The Journey to Atlantis

I will never kill
you, my love,

they are both thinking
as they resume their spots at their
breakfast table

breakfast: approved fruits and grains and decaf

they sit and eat
accompanied by radio’s easy news
of celebrity quirks

the usual long silences
between two who’ve been together a long time
who once believed they had known each other
long before this life and are no longer sure

when the news stops
being about the news
and nothing can be done

when the anchors talk and talk
of what the anchors want to talk about
and nothing can be said

they will think of Atlantis
stop dreaming of a temporary sacrifice

they will think of Atlantis
in the western ocean
or the eastern sea

Atlantis
where sabbaths came with no clouds overhead

Atlantis
where braver tales were told in the councils of power

Atlantis
where the highways were long and straight

Atlantis
I loved you then

Atlantis
when the egg you were hatching

Atlantis
was the thing that would drown you

Atlantis
which was solely red rock on soul blue sea

Atlantis
which was dark against the sky every holy peak of it

Atlantis
which is still a name of dreams

Atlantis
every people has you

Atlantis
every school refers to you

Atlantis
isn’t it nice to be remembered by

a couple
who lives forever in silence
whose children are grown

whose every memory is infected with longing
for something
that has always been

Atlantis
a place of such perfection
they know it must have been real once

hear them whisper

please say that
just now it’s only covered over

for God’s sake say it isn’t gone


Footpath

So little new 
to say
once you realize
that you have stopped
being a person and
transformed into
a footpath
now that you have
reached a certain age,
that people
either follow you
or wear you out
or stray from you;

you are so carved
into your surroundings
that you cannot help 
but stay in your groove, 
ground into the landscape
until the last person
who remembers you 
as a person has passed,
and that will be all,

but still you keep
doing this Work

because there’s always a chance 
of you becoming one path
to that which is still out there,
beyond your view, a destination
everlasting and pure enough
that even if no one ever
says your name again 
you will have helped,
you will have mattered.