Tag Archives: humor

Triumph In The Battle Over Nick Drake

As if there were not other options
by the score to choose from,
the overnight radio’s playing Nick Drake
at exactly 2:04 AM when I awaken
thinking about darker things.

Although I like Nick Drake’s music
I refuse to let him do my work for me.
I’m not going to contemplate desperation
and spiritual desertion while envying
his fingerstyle technique, because

I always end up pissed and reaching
for a guitar and after I’m still desperate
but looking toward getting that tuning right 
tomorrow, and so much for that.  So let it 
not be Nick Drake.  Let it instead be

Jackie DeShannon’s “Put A Little Love
In Your Heart.”  God, yes.  That works
perfectly.  I start picturing Iggy Pop
singing it all Morrison-spit-take gruff
and no one believing

a word of that song ever again. Chase that with
ABBA or something — here, let me
get the dial — candied oldies
of a different stripe.  Perfect music
for the darkest hours  — because if you actually sing

of despair, you know,
if you can hold its lines
and wrangle it into song,
what you get is not in fact despair.
What you get is called, instead, “triumph.”

 


Piss In A Boot

It’s a new world out there
and while I’m glad to be alive in it
a lot of folks have left me behind
to see how far it spreads

so
sometimes I’m as lonely
as a drop of piss
left behind
in that proverbial boot
that’s been turned upside down
by an idiot reading the directions
on “pouring piss out of a boot”
that are written on the heel

it’s an old sad joke
but the idiot doesn’t get it
and apparently neither do I
since I can’t seem to fall free

it explains a lot 


Alice Cooper Looks Back At The Band That Bore His Name

1.  about the name

We got the name
from drunk-thin air,
told everyone it was
the name
of a ghost-witch girl.

It’s fine with me
that you’ve forgotten,
or never knew,
that it was meant to be
the name of the band.

2.  pretties for you

 

The smeared makeup,
the witch-derived moniker,
and our darkside noise that
cleared rooms —  looking back,
I can see we were
the flipside of Stevie Nicks,
a few years early.

3.  easy action 

 

Pull tab,
place can to lips,
tip head back,
rock out.
Repeat.
No one was listening anyway:

with the album not charting,
the gigs stopped coming, so

pull tab, discard tab (we could
in those days,) suck it down,
crawl to bed alone or not,
rock out, repeat,
repeat, repeat…

4. love it to death  

 

 …repeat.  And then, no more.
We were different.  We were
the same and different at once —
like it, love it, like it, love it.

But the best thing was
the last track, the last chant on side two
about the rising sun, the one
we didn’t write —
creepy and comforting
at once.

Exactly.

5. killer  

 

They’d better love this snake.
They’d  better love this face.
They’d better love these things we’ve pulled
out of death and sick disgrace.

Under the wheels,
the last vestiges of love and peace.
Things that fight, bleed, and decay
ought to hold their eyes and ears.

6. school’s out  

 

We’ve got the kiddies now
and all the gory money
that comes our way
along with the vicious stares
of every parent in America —
who miss the point entirely.
We’re the perfect treat
for the perpetual Halloween
that every kid desires.

And to top it off,
flammable panties
in the album packaging!

What could we possibly do
to top that?

Anyone?

7. billion dollar babies

Rock out, repeat, repeat, repeat…
but damn, such a fine,
marketable cover on the thing. And
the hits kept coming, even though
we’d said it all before:

the main message of it:

“Please love the dead.”

8. muscle of love

 

We’ve shot the wad, burnt out the fuse,
we grossly pushed for the movie theme
and failed to get it in.  Hell,
we dragged in Liza Minelli
for a cameo.

That stain on the cover
says it all:  waterlogged and
trying to stay afloat.

9. looking back 

 

A little rock, a little roll,
a lot of golf in the Arizona sun.
Boomer’s dream retirement,
and only one regret,
one comment to be made:

fuck you,
David Bowie,
for taking the smirk out of us,
for taking the mascara
somewhere I’d never imagined.


iWarrior

Battler, cage-rattler,
hero of the minor skirmish;

let us sing praises
for his small bloodsheddings.
Let us sacrifice
a mouse in his honor.

Fighter for the right to be right,
soldier of trivial fortune;

let us raise hankerchiefs
in his colors.
Let us weep openly
at his tiny scabs.

Warrior of grammar,
defender of the detail.
Corrector of facts,
last man standing
on the field of struggle
for what comes right
of the decimal point.
Armored saintlet.
Battered ram.
Scowling, snarling,
snarking war-troll
of destruction and
annoyance —

let us unblock him,
let us defend him
from defriending,
let us watch
from the sidelines
as he steps where no one
cares to tread —

for this is where we live now,
and he’s all we’ve got
to pretend with.

 


The Sand-Lemurs Of Arcturus 7

Sun, candle quite ordinary
for this neck of the galaxy.

Earth, just far enough away
not to burn.

Air, adequate at the moment
for growth and life.  

Enough
water for the same.  

All these
mediocracies aligned, and you

want to claim as a result
the most exalted position

in the entire universe? 
Try to be serious.

That title belongs
to the sand-lemurs of Arcturus 7.

When we try to tell them that,
they can’t stop laughing.  That’s why

they’re so beloved.  That’s why
we gave them the title.

 


An Actor Prepares

Find your motivation

Learn to 
dance
sing
fake tears on cue
fake a fuck
handle a gun

Learn lines
Enunciate

Die convincingly

It’s like living except
in living
you may not find motivation and
you frequently
bump into furniture


A Man’s Guide To These United States

Louisville?
I have never been,
but I have a bat
from Louisville
at my bedside;
the name alone
comforts me.

Picked it up to
kill a mouse yesterday —
no real fun in that.
No slick crunch
like a head or knee.
But I digress.

Huntington Beach?
I have been there.
I didn’t like it much —
it seemed less broken
than I like
although it’s possible
the bigger breaks
are under the surface.

I did feel menaced
in the night there, once —
slid my hand onto my knife
and as always I hoped
and was horrified
by my hoping —
but I did hope,
and as always,
nothing happened.

Once,
in Cambridge,
I was accused
of critiquing a poem
I’d heard read
in a bookstore
exactly as if
I’d been challenged
to a cock-measuring.

I smiled at the thought
and subconsciously (I’m sure)
touched myself.
Still a winner.

Life in these United States
can be a sheer fuckin’ joy —
and I’m saying what I mean
when I use those words.

Sheer:
near transparent,
or vertical
and deadly.

Fuckin’:
Big man coming through.
Ain’t got no time for the voiced “gee.”
I carry my own.

Joy:
the word they have always used
for how this feels.
“Joy” it is.


You And Ivan Pavlov Are Now Friends

Bell?
Yes. Mouth water?
Yes.
Food? Yes…
yes?

Yes.

Screen changes?
Yes.  Red number under
“Notifications?” Yes.
Mouth water?  Yes.
On my status? Yes…
yes?

Yes?

Oh.

More vitirol this time?
Cute puppy pic this time?
Link to controversial article this time?
Yes.  Red number under
“Notifications?”  Yes.
Bigger number? Yes?
YES! More mouth water?
YES! More vitirol?
YES! YES! YES!

Feeling hungry?
Feeling
full of YES! YES! YES! 
like James Joyce?
Like a writer?
Like a person of interest?
Like sitting up?
Like rolling over?
Like fetch? 


hashtags n memes

epic fail
no 1 knowz how 2 read

thts not tru
teh revolutionz just nds less space
these dayz

fk em if thy cnt take a joke
teh revolutionz likes to lol
kill yr. idolz if thy r not lol
if thy cant dance

thy r going omg crzy
bcuz
this war nds fewr vowels
or complt wordz
dont need em

if we r to survive
we must haz cheezburger
hashtags n memes
we must spel differently
keep r idols off balance
keep noyz down
keep it short n sweet

dont need more thn enuff
to be in touch
and nderstand
each other

kthx

 


The Church Of Small Engine Repair

No narrative
makes a difference
when you are repairing an engine
and reach the One Nut
that will not budge.  No wrench,
no socket, no logic or physical law
makes sense then —

here is the need
for the Sublime in your life 
condensed to sweat and
bloody knuckles.

What you need to happen
is obvious, no known tool
will make it happen,  
and all you can do is sit
and supplicate
for holy intervention. 

Is it funny?
Is it tragic? Does it require
beer and momentary
abandonment of your good sense
to face it?  Nothing’s

off limits
now
that what is supposed to happen
doesn’t.  Thank
something for the chance

and sit back down in front of the engine
until some wizardry arrives. 


Why Art Sometimes Is Suspect

An artist was asked,

if your next work
was guaranteed
to save the world
but would also mean
that you could produce
no more,
would you stop?

The reply:

Let it go
to hell.  
They’ll need me

more
in the aftermath. 


Affirmations Are Toasts For The American Dangles

I am this morning so self-confident!  
Have eaten white grapes of surety!

Drunk
on the wine of “Attentive To My Own Needs”
I leap the hurdles, crash doors of sand
and grit, go through to comfortable rooms
that may not have been meant for me…
I am so uncaring of that now!  

This is
my self-esteem addicted to “getting away with it!”
High school antic immortal forging ahead!

I’m going to make a status update in diamond plate
that will bear up against bullets and false witness!

If you wanted mystery, fog, melancholy, 
realism — not here!  

I’m an open children’s book,
read me, snuggle to me, fall as asleep as I will
so, so soon, in the arms of schizo-attractiveness,
in the arms of my robot lovers,
certain of the good intentions of the universal grasp
of obvious, of simple, of gathered wisdom;
pucker for me!

Kiss me kiss me kiss me!
KISS ME I’M GOAL-ORIENTED!
Kiss me!

I shall achieve exactly as I define!

Indeed, I am in the place of definitions
and I shall not change a thing!


Hot Universal Dog Crossbow Blues

Big Universal Dog
Big Universal Dog
Got those Big Universal Dog
Big Universal Dogs With Crossbows Blues 

Hot dog with a crossbow
Looks out for number one
Big dog with a Crossbow
Looks out for number one
Every dog got a crossbow
Nothing more ever get done

Big Universal Dog
Big Universal Dog
Got those Big Universal Dog
Big Universal Dogs With Crossbows Blues 

Mad dog with a crossbow
Makes a man look like a fool
Big dog with a crossbow
Makes a man act the fool
If every dog had a crossbow
You know those Crossbow Dogs would rule

God gave the doggies thumbs
Taught them how to draw a bow
Made them slaves to what he wanted
Now those doggies got to know
Everything we always knew
When we were the only ones
When we had all the crossbows
All the bullets and the guns

Now them doggies they can run
And they always run in packs
They remember all we’ve done to them
And they’re looking for payback
It’s the last thing we expected
Last thing we would have thought
Now them doggies all have crossbows
And we’re all gonna get shot

Big Universal Dog
Big Universal Dog
Got those Big Universal Dog
Big Universal Dogs With Crossbows Blues  

 

 


Poet Wars

They go to war over a word or two,
sharing their opinions and
an unwillngness to bend.

When no one’s looking,
they fire off an angry word or two
about this trivia at close hand —

and then they spit into the wind
and end up damp and vile and mad
over a word or two that no one heard,

yet again.


Everything I Know Of Life (I Learned From Marijuana) — old poem, revised

1. decision
when it was first offered
to pass it
or hit it
made it clear
as to where I would stand
in certain battles.

2. buy

no trust
is complete.
trust 
anyway.

3. tools

what you work with
is not as important
as the end result.

4. process


anything worth doing
is worth doing well.

every loose end tightened,
every tear repaired,
clean up meticulous.

anything left over?
saved or shared.

5. sharing 

it’s never
100 % 
reciprocal; someone 
will always 
take more
than they should —
share anyway;
it comes back around
often enough.

6. nostalgia

haze
makes everything
golden.

7. paranoia

yes, they’re watching.
you are suspect.
they are too.
all good things
are suspect
to someone.

8. appetite

if you can swallow it,
it’ll do the job. all 
that matters is empty.

9. once it’s done

it can be revisited,
but it will never 
be the same.