Dark Matter

I went out shopping this afternoon and purchased, among other things:

— the new Ani
— the new Sleater Kinney
— the most recent Mountain Goats

I also bought jeans that fit in what I think is my new size — two sizes down from the old one. Gulp.

I shall be well dressed, happily listening and school working later tonight.

Just got the mail.

There is an ad in Utne Reader this month for a school that is offering an online course in animal massage.

My friends, the floor is yours. You may begin at any time.

— all systems go. surgery next Friday, time TBD.

— i’ll be under for around 4 hours.

— i’ll be pretty much incapacitated for a few days after.

— i’ll be unable to climb stairs for a couple of days, so i’ll likely be out of contact here.

— i’ll be out of work for most likely three weeks.

— i’ll be FINE. no need for cookies, flowers, letters, cards, etc. REALLY.

— i’m not nervous.

— this surgery is for a number of minor things, none are life threatening.

— the combination of several procedures is what’s making for a little longer than usual recovery.

— no, i don’t want to share what’s going on.

*These responses predicated on the barrage of well-meaning and deeply annoying questions I’m getting at work. I trust all y’all to be more sensitive. 🙂

I forget sometimes that this is a public diary, the whole notion of which is silly.

In general, I’m not a person who needs a lot of sympathy from a lot of people.

If I know you and you want to offer it, that’s cool. There are a few of you — a very few — who I want advice and care from, and you know who you are.

But in general, I’m pretty self sufficient — or at least, numb to the human touch of those I have not let in.

I sometimes let those who think they know me down. I’m sorry for that.

As I’ve gotten older, I realize just what a dysfunctional bastard I can be. Perhaps I am letting down the mask a little to let others see it. This is at once honorable and detestable.

But, as the scorpion said to the frog, it’s my nature.

I go in for my preoperative screening.

I am having surgery next Friday for a variety of things — nothing life-threatening, all minor in and of themselves, but doing them all at once. This will likely impede my mobility for a bit. I’m figuring on three weeks out of work.

I haven’t mentioned this much, I know, mostly because it’s really not that big a deal; all routine stuff. The one thing I do think about is that while these procedures are not major, some of them are related to age and wear and tear.

I know I sometimes seem to be a bit obsessed with my age in comparison to those in the scene around me, but if truth be told, it has more to do with fascination than any real fear or upset. The changes in how I view people, how I view myself, how people view me, etc., are really something to watch.

People say that age is just a number. I don’t feel “old” most of the time, though I do feel “older;” but the body tells you otherwise now and then. Tells you, “not forever, buddy; here’s a twinge to remind you of that…”

At any rate — all this by way of saying I won’t be around much tomorrow.

with the word “crumble.”

I see it everywhere — in my soup, my pants, my Palm Pilot, my love.

I am willing to say it if not entirely willing to witness or endure it.

There are more accurate words to describe this mood, but none sound better.

Still, the crumble that can be told is not the true crumble.

I will use the word, with its hard beginning and swallowed end, until a better one comes along.

i look at the outlines
of edges and chips
and can roughly discern
how it all used to fit

till i turn from the mirror

a beater/low-end laptop for a specific purpose.

Should run a pretty recent version of Windows (except ME), have the cojones for minimal broadband Web work, and a copy of Word would be nice.

CD-ROM a plus; CD-RW pretty snazzy. If not a RW, a basic floppy drive wou;dnt’ be out of line.

Main criteria: the type of unit that wouldn’t kill me if I lost it.

Any one got one? Any price range thoughts? Any thing else I should be thinking of?

[And no — not a Mac, or Linux, or anything else. This needs to be a mass-market, easily interchangeable unit. I’ll likely be getting a Mac (again! yay) for my next heavy duty ‘puter.]

That is all.

Y’know, I went back and read a bunch of the Zero Point Zero columns tonight.

I did some good work there, now that I’ve got some distance from it. I absolutely hated them at the end, but I’m ok with them now.

Might be time, soon, to consider a compilation. But I dont’ know how or where to begin, and I don’t have a lot of time to do it.

Any ideas?