Aiming at the walnut tree
and missing.

It’s so big yet somehow
the arrow lands in the tall grass 
to the side, to the west. Sunset is 
not yet here, but its approach
is obvious now in long shadows,
this dusk-rinsed light.

I will seek the arrow
tomorrow. Too much chance 
of missing it in the hayfield tonight
and then choosing to give up
and leave it there
out of frustration with a goal
unachieved. Even tomorrow
would have been too late
to succeed. 

It is admirable, I guess,
to be able to walk away from this
and not think of it as a failure
or shortcoming on my part.
So mature, so clear-headed.

Inside though?
The real monologue:
listen, I took the shot.
I missed the target. 
I left the arrow behind.
My form was fine.
I should have at least
struck the target. 

I should have. I could have.
I could blame the light,
I suppose. I could blame the shadows
and my fatigue although
that’s still on me: I should have
known better.

The walnut tree.
Now in dusk. 

What would
my father say to me
if he were here? 

It’s been one of those days
where the spiders jump past me
looking for a better man to scare

They know I’m not one of the better men
That being what I am lends itself
to not being so easily scared

That instead I will look at them
and ask what I can learn from this
as they creep their way into nightmares

of people less enamored of such things
as the small and many-legged make for 
beautiful jump scares, really quite something

I am not one of the better men
I seek to use this knowledge of how to terrify
as a backdrop for how I get through the world

for I am not a good man at all
I’ve got the wisdom of spiders and snakes in me
All the good they do in the world becomes venom

once it’s inside me
I learned to use it for my selfishness
All they want to do with it is survive

and all I want to do is thrive and hide
and leap and slither — come and go
yon and hither

The jumping spiders have it good
Even if they are killed they leave behind
a memory and a shudder…as will I

Miesha moves
willingly from my desk to 
the tray table. I quickly
set up the laptop
before she changes her mind.

I don’t have much space these days
in which to find peace. She seems
to know a secret about how to do it 
that I do not. Narrow her world,
find rest in a narrower place:

cat wisdom. The poems
keep on narrowing as does
what I can see of where I live:
poet wisdom. The cat seems content,
as I do not. What I want

is not paradise, not hell;
not even a good night’s rest,
really. What I want is some sense
of a wider possibility than this. A desk
that has room to offer everything I want

whenever I want it.
I struggle with the phrase,
“To everything there is a season.”
Miesha sleeps facing the window
regardless of the season. Maybe

that is the entirety of the secret:
sleep where you can, when you can. 
Take what you are given,
stay ready for what may come; outside
the birds are waking up, after all.

I’m so tired.
I’d blame anything other than myself
but I’m no liar,
not when it comes to this hard fatigue.

I’m so angry. 
I would seek a place to put blame for it
but I’m no hunter,
not when the anger is so clearly internal.

I’m so narrowed.
I’d try and expand enough to fit better
but it’s beyond my power,
no one can stretch me back whole.

This world’s killing me.
I would put up more of a fight against it
but I’m no warrior.
It’s not enough like home to defend.

I’m envious of
this mild drama soap opera
unfolding next to me
in this coffee shop

Two younger women sitting
with two elderly women
over hot coffee in 
animated conversation

It is half in perhaps Albanian
based on the neighborhood
and half in English
None of it sounds more

than half-irritated
I’m envious of
their dharma 
I’m envious of 

generations meeting
in public in camaraderie
I’m sitting alone
The air vent above me

is dripping on my table
where I’m drinking 
unsweetened iced black coffee
I keep it covered out of fear

I ought to move but
that’s not how this works
Not another empty table in here
This is where dharma has placed me

among the nominally content
Getting rained out indoors
Sipping bitterness from a glass jar
I overpaid for this drink and this seat

I had to try and see 
if people were still people
Was anyone in here
going to be able to see me

I’m envious of all these people
talking more or less calmly 
to each other as is their custom
while I am fearful and invisible

Usually I feel like they see me
if they see me at all
as dirt or a stain to be cleaned
Invisibility is a step up I guess

I will follow directions
Bus my own table when I leave
No one’s going to see me go
as no one saw me when I was here

If I die in the parking lot
it might make a fuss when they find me
I will be a remark at dinner later
then forgotten and that will be dharma

Just go I tell myself
Just go you invisible envious man
There will be a purpose to it 
Maybe at last you’ll be seen

as more than a stain to be cleaned
I doubt it but one
can only do what one does
and hope someone sees you for you

In this time of oafs
there are still many 
who are grace and poise
embodied; let them hold
their places, let them
hold their ground. 

In this time of vampires
there are still many
who stand in the light 
unburned, unbothered;
let them be the lanterns,
let them illuminate the sacred.

In this time of slaughterhouse
and butchery, there are still many
whose blood sings with dance:
let them bathe the damaged;
let them hold the dying close;
let them see a good path ahead.

In this time the sound of the clock
is always there behind the murmur
of dead voice and there are those
whose being shuts it down. Let them
sing, dance, heal, stand their ground;
let them hold. Let them always hold.

The cat could care less
that I’m distressed
by her refusal
of all offered food.

She just keeps looking away
after a single sniff
as if I’m poisonous
and have transferred that
to the food itself. Disdain
for my concern evident
on the face and tail. 

When ten minutes later
she’s cuddling up on the couch
next to me, I don’t know
what to think. Have I healed
myself, become safe — or is this
an attempt at mollifying me
so I will relax as she plots
her escape?

I’d tell you
time will tell, but I’m not sure
how much time there is,
in fact.  Everything feels
ruptured, and I don’t know
how long I have, how long
the cat has; how long
this day, this poisonous day,
will drag on.