In the middle of cleaning and room-rearranging chores today I came across the program for the memorial service for my friend Terry, who died four years ago on April 28 of an undiagnosed brain tumor.

I think about Terry a lot. Wild woman, good friend, tough as nails, ferociously loyal and in love with life after a hard road coming up.

Her death split open a circle of close friends and we’ve never been the same.

Terry’s death kicked me in the ass, got me out of my reluctance to tour and onto the SlamAmerica tour, as well as being the straw that got me to realize that I couldn’t relegate the poetry in my life to a secondary role forever.

I sit here and think about her now, and wonder about how many things would be different if she’d survived.

I think about Julie this way too; I received an e-mail today from an old friend from high school, someone who was a part of the whole circle of friends that split up in the months following her death in the car accident. What is my reluctance to return the e-mail about? Guilt?

And then I think of Tara, who was on Flight 11 on Sept. 11; my sometime professional (but always well respected) adversary who sent her sister to see me for career help — shocking me no end, as I never would have thought Tara respected me and my skills enough to send her sister to me…and I never had the chance to tell her how profoundly moved I was by that.

All these people gone who left their marks.

It is impossible to measure fully the impact we have on each other, and to ever calculate the turns your life would have taken without the others you’ve known.

Hello…just popping in for a moment.

Went to the Cape over the weekend, enjoyed myself and relaxed. Got some stuff to do around the house, but all in all, a good break.

Have fun, y’all…

Tony

PS:
SPEAK is on for tomorrow night, with a theme of “illusion”. I may be there, may not– we’ll see. But you should come down for it.

PPS:

Oh, and those of you facing off in the final weeks of slam qualifying — Remember this — it always worked for me.

Each time you get on stage, tell yourself: “This may be the last poem you ever do on stage. You might fall, die, lose your voice in the next minutes following the poem. Is this a poem you are willing to have be your last words?”

You may not win a slam, but at least you’ll be a poet.

ml,
T

Hello…just popping in for a moment.

Went to the Cape over the weekend, enjoyed myself and relaxed. Got some stuff to do around the house, but all in all, a good break.

Have fun, y’all…

Tony

PS:
SPEAK is on for tomorrow night, with a theme of “illusion”. I may be there, may not– we’ll see. But you should come down for it.

PPS:

Oh, and those of you facing off in the final weeks of slam qualifying — Remember this — it always worked for me.

Each time you get on stage, tell yourself: “This may be the last poem you ever do on stage. You might fall, die, lose your voice in the next minutes following the poem. Is this a poem you are willing to have be your last words?”

You may not win a slam, but at least you’ll be a poet.

ml,
T

I’m on vacation now…

Don’t think I’ll be on here much; want to do some day trips, head off for an overnight or two, and figure there won’t be much to say, other than this: I need this break more than any in a long, long time.

Have fun, y’all. Hit me via e-mail if you must.

I just wanted to say, before I head off on vacation and disappear from here for a bit (not expecting to check in every day, is all I mean by that), is that for me, the worst part of being mentally ill is not so much what it does to me, but what it has done to those I love — whether it be the vagaries of my moods when I’m not in control, or the fear that I have of the motivations behind my actions when I AM under control.

I second guess every motive, every move; I worry myself and those around me with my constant fears.

I am so sorry this happens, over and over again.

I am born sorry.

RAC Rachel McKibbens lowhumcrush blew the socks off the Providence crowd tonight. She got a standing ovation from the crowd.

I confess it — I’m not a huge fan of the Providence scene. Very young and very much a “slamvoice” scene. Fun night though, with Rachel (and Holdie!) and ocvictor and javabill and cheesy_goodness and badgary and androidlustre and, of course, myainsel.

Whew. That’s a lot of tags.

I’m headed to bed now…the meds are doing me in, which is why I didn’t stay for the slam itself.

The new Zero Point Zero column’s set to be up on gotpoetry in the AM — an exploration of the distance between truth and fact in poetry; a reprint of an older column with some notes added.

Just for the record — I’m ok, just busy.

Thanks for your concern. I’m safe, working on staying busy; plan on going to see lowhumcrush tonight if I’m not too tired when I get home.

I disallowed comments on the last post because I didn’t feel like dealing with people’s questions concerning my safety — sorry if it alarmed anyone; I can see how it would, so you have my apologies.

I will be fine, eventually — promise. I will it give it the time needed to work it out.

A phone call this afternoon to my meds manager got me a return to the higher dosages I was on before we started experimenting with them, and an appointment for consultation May 7, with phone check ins before that.

In addition, my therapist and I are back on a safety agreement. (For those of you unfamiliar with the term…yeah, it means what it sounds like it means.)

Dammit.

There’s good news and bad news.

Let’s do the bad news first, so we all have something to look forward to, shall we?

Based on recent events, issues, and medical indications, the consensus is that the new round of medications is probably not working, in that the therapeutic dosage (what stops the bipolar cycling) appears to be too high to allow me to function properly through the resultant side effects, while a reduced dosage is not helping me get over.

This means we’re probably looking at an outright medication change in the near future.

This means, once again, that I’m getting worse. And my therapist refused to say otherwise this morning.

The good news:

I’ve been reading through the livejournals of my friends just now, as a break from a Spreadsheet From Hell, and I have come to the definite conclusion that I am lucky to know you all.

Too much talent/caring/compassion/humor/righteous anger to be adequately described.

Honestly? I am humbled by you all.

Thanks for having been here.

to effectively deal with work Tuesday.

Good thing it’s a light day.

I need to focus more on love, spirituality, and poetry right now.

I’ve been asked by two dear friends to be a part of their wedding at the end of May (barring any tragic and foolish moves by the Mass Governor on same sex marriage, grrr…) and am writing a poem as part of the ceremony…it’s making me think about this stuff in a new light.

More in the AM.

Then again, when has that ever stopped us?

http://www.thestreet.com/markets/meredithderby/10154677.html

I skipped Joe Fusco at the Asylum tonight because I was just not feeling up to it. Feeling very medicated, very sedated.

I hate my absence from things.

I have ideas about what to say about a lot of stuff in my life, but I can’t seem to put words around it. Sad excuse for a poet, eh?

It’s like the whole world seems suffused with a sweet pain these days — a feeling of the last days, so live them well.

More tomorrow, when I’m coherent. Sorry for this.

Three things I am wearing right now
1 – t shirt
2 – shorts
3 – silver earring

Three things on my desk
1 – WWII Navy fighting knife (I was researching its value)
2 – Nunzilla
3 – wireless router

Three things I want to do before I die
1 – Go back to Europe
2 – move to NYC
3 – get off medications (fat chance)

Three ways to describe my personality
1 – scattered
2 – reclusive
3 – arrogant

Three bad things about my personality
1 – easily angered
2 – I keep anger bottled up
3 – don’t deal well with conflict

Three good things about my personality
1 – creative
2 – funny
3 – down deep, caring

Parts of my heritage
1 – Mescalero Apache
2 – Italian
3 – Massachusetts

Three places I want to go to
1 – West Africa
2 – Russia
3 – San Francisco

Three nicknames I had/have
1 – Tony
2 – Orbit
3 – Downtown

Three screen names I had/have
1 – chyslerpoet
2 – chrysler77
3 – penitente

Three people I miss
1 – Julie
2 – Terry
3 – Tara

gotpoetry.com is finally back up, if not entirely without hiccups.

Have a good night, y’all.