Author Archives: Tony Brown

About Tony Brown

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A poet with a history in slam, lots of publications; my personal poetry and a little bit of daily life and opinions. Read the page called "About..." for the details.

Gladness

this morning
gladness — which is to say

a state of being
almost explosive in nature

as if happiness were a gunpowder
and it was lit by some random spark 

(in this case a memory of how
one body stretched toward another once

and of the smile inside when each settled 
against the other and relaxed)

one spark breaks open the gladness
that swells suddenly within

expanding outward to fill
the hemisphere

(I am trying to keep this impersonal
in order to not disappear into the center of it

in order to be able to come back here to it at will 
and feel it again in this small way 

until it is real in my life again
and I will have no need of this poem

for a glad 
glad moment)

 


Spring Compulsory

Spring
drives us most crazy
with its presence
when it’s least present.

Gorged buds,
scent of early flowers;
staying out later in nights at last
not so full on deathly cold;
enough is happening to leave us
gasping in frustration
for the pollen
when the late snow falls.

Brutal, treacherous season that it is,
we bend to it, almost breaking,
knowing it’s indeed here
without us being able
to enjoy it — 
knowing it’s here and 
it won’t completely show itself
until it’s almost time to become
summer.


Heart

I am most in awe
of my heart
after it’s been sick,

how it comes back to life
a little at a time, peeking around
corners into the rooms
it reenters before revealing itself again,

hoping no one notices
the slight changes it’s been through
that, slowly,
are adding up
to the great universally
human change:

the Full Stop.

I am most in awe of my heart then —
I don’t know how it keeps working,
how it keeps up appearances,
how it beats faithfully
when it should be
in the greatest despair. 


Dented Angel

I grew up knowing I had a place in the universe.
As star matter I was perfect in that universal way.
I’ve always known my place both atomic

and galactic. Screw that, though;  
I wanted so much less.  
Wanted a moment, a week, a month, no more,

of acceptance by someone
more particular about who is worthy
than the universe is.

Someone pickier, someone less tolerant
of quirks and foibles.  I wanted to be loved
by a person far less interested in loving another.

I wanted to be held and cherished
on a more intimate scale,
but I wanted the Lover

to be a dented angel
who found a simulacrum of heaven in me
despite their initial skepticism at how unlike heaven

I was on the surface.  What I nakedly wanted
was to be desired by someone
the way Emerson and his gang desired transcendence

except I wanted them to find it hard,
almost not worth struggling for;
it wasn’t going to come easily.

Instead, I got you.  I got you
who loves me daily, as matter-of-factly
as dark matter sweeping through me — the love

unseen but present in every fiber.
I got you, who makes me
want to be good in the kitchen, in bed, and in the 

Milky Way.  Whatever sun storm I rouse
around me, you make me lie down and sleep it off
and the next day it’s forgotten.  I craved turbulence

and you’re having none of that.  
It is a little hard to accept which is why I guess
I sometimes act the part of my imaginary dented angel,

though I can’t fake it:  I can’t lie
to myself for very long
about how hard heaven really is to find.


Stuck With A Bill

What I recall of the Sixties is my toys and my terror
Vietnam on the news all the time
Spaceships on the news all the time 
Protests on the news all the time
Drugs on the news all the time
I had a lot of guns to play with

What I recall of the Seventies is my drugs and my terror
Electric guitars in my ears all the time
Blurs and bursts and trails in my eyes all the time
First grasp of the news in poems all the time
First surges and rages of sex all the time
I had a smeared streak of joy to play with

What I recall of the Eighties?  Terrible, terrible
Marriage and working and crazy and drink
I want no Eighties in my head all the time
I want no Ronnie, no Nancy, no guns, no roses
No reason at all to have lived through that
No reason at all to recall

What I recall of the Nineties and since
is the continuing terror of how it all feels like the present
Cannot distinguish much of now from then
It’s a short walk back to Kurt’s wounded head from here
It’s a short walk back to New York’s wounded heart from here
It’s a short walk back to the shock of war and awe from here
I feel like someone stuck me with a bill
Stuck me with a bill for all this time
I keep walking forward and away but
It never disappears

 


Post American Song (revised)

I don’t care how I may die
Don’t care if it’s from gun or blade or germ
Don’t suffer from the madness of believing in immortality
Don’t want it to happen too soon
But I know it will happen and accept it

I wish you could see it as I do
Wave of the star enveloping you, sick as you are
Wave of the earth encompassing you, wounded as you are
Wave of the wind embracing you, struck down as you are
The next instant it must be — not like this
All I want to know about that moment I cannot know in life

I sit here speaking of death with intense fingers tapping
Oh the damn notion of having to wait
You wait as you will
but I will be calm and resigned to it
Will call for it to be delivered unto me

How we die is trivia
Every death I see now is trivial
Every individual an inconsequential body gone
Except as wave of earthquake to those who love them
I am the broken acolyte of continuance
Death ate me out a long time ago

So neither do I care how any of us live
Live and let live is here practiced
as apathy not compassion
Does it look the same when it’s not about love
but instead about disinterest

AMERICA is the hall of just in time history
AMERICA is the holler the chorus the cadence
AMERICA is the fear of the gun in the hand of —
what is it today anyway
Indian over cowboy
Prisoner over soldier
Peon over boss 

Vigilante songs ring in the heart
of every American
but I think the truth is that 
we really don’t care how others die 
as long as the lettuce stays crisp 


Open Stage Wednesdays At Eight All Welcome

Mike’s banging the strings right now
and certainly getting some original noises
out of that ancient, worn out,
catalog-origin, shitbox
frail-necked banjo.

Many marvelous errors are being made
while his hands walk toward
the transcendental possibilty
of the greatest song ever, 
and thus we are at
his mercy, at the edge
of awful and awesome
which by all accounts
is where we ought to be tonight:
wrong or almost wrong, often;
but focused entirely upon those moments
when someone pushes beyond the
best possible rightness.  

Mike may not get there tonight or ever
but we can see it from here
every time he plays with his eyes closed
and the odd chord falls off the banjo
into the room as perfectly as a little bird
spotted singing in a bush on a river bank
in the moonlight of our grandparents’ courting
long, long ago.

 

 


Not A Poem For The Golden Age

Here is a thing
that is not a poem, not a song.

Call it a jeremiad
or a crazy man’s despair;

dismiss it as you will, it’s just as well
you don’t go mad along with the writer.

But it needs to be said: there are golden people, 
there have always been golden people

who have allowed you
to see their gold, if not its source,

and the light around it creates the illusion 
that you might join them if only you can get yours.

They’ve convinced you that someone is keeping you from it, 
because the notion of “enough for all” 

isn’t useful to those interested
in consolidating the power they’ve taken from you.

The golden people believe it’s in their best interest
to make you hate someone else for robbing you.

Your battling each other is their best defense 
against your sudden awakening to the truth.

You don’t need a conspiracy theory
to explain this — just look around.

Some have, some have not.
Those who have, keep;

those who do not have
do not know they likely never will.

Occasionally (to maintain the fiction)
someone who doesn’t have will be allowed a taste —

all it takes is a lottery number, a great throwing arm,
a singing voice that pleases the greatest number of you.

They know just how to market it
to let you think you can get some too — 

hard work, they say, hard work
will do it and anyone can rise;

but it’s not anyone who rises.
It’s those allowed to rise who do,

and those allowed to rise learn how to keep
the little they’re allowed to keep.

Meanwhile you think yourself peaceful,
when the tooth and nail are in fact your daily bread.

Your job is made to leave you jealous and striving.
Your leisure is a stunted ration of your small time here

and when you come home to cradle that son or daughter,
you whisper that it will be better for them —

but it likely will not be,
because all that gold

will blind them as swiftly
as it blinded you.

Everyone thinks they’ll be rich someday.
Everyone thinks it’ll be better someday

even as the oil runs out, 
as the seas lift from their beds,

as the bridges fall sooner rather than later,
as the whirlwind is twirling a noose over our necks.

Some of you still think love
will make it better,

but when the poorest of you
have more than most of the world

and you still call yourself poor
in the face of all that misery,

you are going to be fooled again and again
into believing that love will win.

Love cannot win
in the long sunset of this age.

We have exhausted ourselves,
and love is nothing more than a gesture now.

You’ll still sit back and say it was better once.
You’ll imagine a time when love was enough.

But love has never been enough
to conquer this illness; 

what’s always been needed
is a terrifying justice. 

Gaia is preparing
terrifying justice — 

the swiping of her mighty hand across us,
as if we were (and we are)

gnats full of blood
who cannot rouse themselves to fly.

If you want a golden age,
get rid of the gold before you.

Ahead of that sweeping hand,
you will have to learn to fly for your life,

and land in something new.
It will not be called America.

If when you land you want to try love,
then by all means try it — 

but do not expect it to grow in this soil
so full of gold, and blood, and lies;

not without
a cleansing fire.


Still Life With Cat, Bat, Guitar, And Stains

A dirty quilt,
a darting cat.
A left handed Gibson,
a taped up baseball bat.

It takes nothing
to give you an impression
of a place.  

Open blind,
sagging old and shattered
in one grimy window
with dead flies and wasps
lined up
in the dust
on the sill.

You are already
making up a story:
what comes next?

Chocolate stains
on his T-shirt.  Salt
and pepper hair on his head.
He is calling the cat
with an open can
of high end pet food
held out at arm’s length
and she’s coming to see.

All your focus is on
what comes next and
what comes after that —

He puts the can down
and she goes in full face first.
He walks away, out of sight,
perhaps to change and dress
for work or something —
he’s certainly old enough
to not be working anymore.
Maybe he’ll change into work clothes
and start to clean the windows,
play the guitar,
beat the cat
with the taped up bat?

Or maybe nothing 
comes after that.  Maybe
you start to deal with stasis,
maybe you stay with it

hoping for a story, you
become the story, or 
maybe you and your anticipations
and your need to drive events
have been the story all along,
and now you have a chance
to learn how to let things be.

 


The Room

Spiral painting
on one wall,
another on another.
Bet I can find another
with luck and a little peek
inside my chest.
It’s not prophecy
to say that —

I know how
entropy
works. I know art 
in a room can’t stop it.
I know art in fact stops
nothing.

This rude muscle
of mine pumps
in a circular rhythm 
played out on paper
on the walls around me.
Sheet music for closure.

I love this room for its mirroring
of human finality; for the heart
twisting in, toward inevitability,
always ready.


Dirty Box

His mind by rights
and geneology
should be a dirty old box 
sealed shut
for seventy years
in a family garage,
but it’s apparently not:

he barely blinks at the two men
holding hands across his street,
Main Street,
while having their picture taken
in front of their new home.

He looks at my raised eyebrow
and grunts,

“Don’t you have better things
to worry about
than how I’m gonna react
to the new neighbors?”

Evidently, I don’t.
Having my worst opinions
of my father disproved
is a hard thing —

my own dirty box
broken open.

I refuse to look inside.

 


Talking Him Down

What’s the point of standing on that ledge?
You’re incapable of falling fast enough
to die upon impact.  
There’s not enough to you.  You would waft
back and forth all the way,
featherweight.

Step back, don’t be stupid —
the world needs more like you, always thinking,
inventing machines that run on
the combustion of dusty artificial flowers,
developing new ways
to control traffic in Minas Tirith,
pissing on your own garden to keep it bare
and sterile and free of weeds.

You don’t have to be in control
of everything.  Let Death be Death,
coming to you unexpected
at an inconvenient time.  You can call out
your rage then.  You can cry all you want then.
Maybe you’ll gain enough substance by then
for people to note your passage
and not brush you off when you’re gone.

 


The Guy Who Doesn’t Dance

What I’m here for I’m sure
is to be the guy who doesn’t dance

Not the guy who wants to but can’t
Who can’t get out of his seat

But the guy who could but won’t
because it’s not the right moment

When it is the right moment
I have no problem dancing

Get my ass up and swing it
Stomp a mudhole in rhythm’s ass

But it’s gotta be right and righteous
Gotta make the move special when I move

Because not every juxtaposition
of time and song and mood is perfect

I prefer to wait until all three are close
and have some faith that I can only add to it

Not every poem is beautiful
except in the larger sense that all human effort

is beautiful — not every song
is worth hearing except to honor the singer

for trying — I have learned to only dance
when I feel the honest need to honor

what I’m hearing and feeling so
if you see me dancing (and let’s be sure

to say that I do not care
who sees me dancing)

that’s saying something
about something

I am on earth to be the guy
who shocks you when he dances

Make a moment of it
Tell someone you saw it

no matter how bad it was
The magic is in retelling

It won’t be magic
unless someone makes a spell of it


Pipewielder, Domino

It’s a Saturday night fight outside a bar
and let’s name the participants,
let’s call out

PIPEWIELDER:
going back to Beowulf
to explain how he is swinging 
the black iron like honor
at the head of the 

DOMINO:
this guy falls
cracked open,
looks like fatality

So much else
is left to happen to both

The death of 
DOMINO 
almost seems unavoidable if
PIPEWIELDER
is to have the future
he deserves

o, bright light of the bar
flowing over the scene
from the open door

o, bright blood of the wounded
flowing into the sidewalk

o, is he really down? down
for good? has the new day
already thus begun?

PIPEWIELDER has tossed aside
his stout arm and is being held
by patrons and maybe there’s a kick applied
by some worthy friend of DOMINO
to PIPEWIELDER’s treasure sack

o, the sirens call
DOMINOOOOOOOOO

to romanticize
what happens in dirt and drunk crazing

 


Max Roach, Greg Corso, And Me

Stop listening
to Max Roach,
I was telling myself;
stop reading Greg Corso.

Stop it, you are never
going to have 
Max’s rhythm or
Corso’s gift of mad
flow, so stop
torturing yourself —

I said, shut up
and stop yourself, 
Self.
 
You’ve been chattering at me
about this forever,
and I’m beyond sick about it.

Stop making this 
about utilitarian needs —

maybe the joy of hearing
Freddie Hubbard cozying up
to Max’s silky beat trumps
my clumsiness and maybe
reading Corso just turns me on.

I know who I am —
I’ve worn out my slight talent at 53,
written a handful of known poems,
am already in the “where are they now’ file,
am already winding down —
and as for music 
I never could figure out
one end of a drum stick from another —

I know who I am and
suddenly, 
just this morning,

I recognize
that maybe hearing Max Roach
without envy
and reading Greg Corso
with no lust to best him

is what I 
was meant to do all along

but I couldn’t have done it
until now,
until after all
the ambition and strain
fell completely
at last
away.