Simply stated, tonight
I have looked at my life.
Where there should be
terror and misery, I find instead
the face of peace and
a sliver of beauty,
what Rilke called
a form of terror
located this side of terrible.
Maybe I’m not far enough in
to see the far side tonight
and fall to my knees in fear.
If so, then this is as far
as I care to go right now.
I will allow myself to pretend
for an evening. The horror
in my life can remain beautiful
tonight. Let me sleep till
the broad light of day.
I’ll deal with it all then,
and at least have the memory
of this peace to steel me
as I turn to face
that deadly angel.
Dark Matter 
October 30th, 2020 at 11:04 am
At 83 now alone and cut off from even family by Covid, I have spent many sleepless nights recognizing my blindness and how many chances to be loving I missed. Finally realized that stopping judging others and forgiving is the flip side of forgiving my old self. One doesn’t happen without the other. WTF! I figure I’m still here until I manage this. Change of priorities for sure. But, I’ve recognized how crippled and blind we all are and I’d forgive a blind person knocking me down or being a blind person and knocking someone else down. We all see through the glass darkly and it’s hubris to think we are so intelligent that we aren’t one of the blind. I’ve spent my life needing to be lovable so I would be loved, when the whole point is getting free to love the unlovable by recognizing that means our self..