Monthly Archives: June 2020

Praise For Tomorrow’s Memories

Love and honor
for the days
behind me;

a deep sorrow
for the days before me
that I will see;
hope for those
I will not see.

Trying to imagine
happiness, to call up
unalloyed memories
I can feel in the moment —
and though I am failing

I am at least reassured 
that I know I felt it more than once
and that there will someday
be people
who will feel it again,

who will fall to their knees
in praise of life and living
and beauty. 

Tomorrow, I will see
if that’s enough
to lift tomorrow’s darkness
when it comes. Today,

though, I just
sit.


Charts

Over here we have a chart
explaining how the System
self-regulates and does its work.

Over there we have a chart
explaining how the people
who run the System are in fact
part of another, Deeper System
underneath and behind the System.

Over there — a different there —
there’s a chart explaining
how the Systems one can see
are not the True Systems. How 
another Ultimate System entirely is running
and no other System exists at all
and we cannot know the Ultimate System
because, because…

And there we are, pointing
at our preferred charts, screaming
at the adherents of systems 
other than our own:

Jeffrey Epstein killed himself.
Jeffrey Epstein didn’t
kill himself. Jeffrey Epstein isn’t dead.
Jeffrey Epstein’s moldy body was used
to breed the coronavirus. 
It’s China. It’s Russia.
It must be reptilians. No,
that’s silly. it’s gotta be the Grays.
Follow the golden
showers, the money,
the long game.

Follow it all
at the same time, spinning
and pointing at charts
until you’re dizzy — 

all the while
someone’s picking your pockets
and chuckles while putting up
chart upon chart upon chart
for you to argue over.
Charts,
they tell themselves,
are our business, and business 
is good,
while all we ever say in return is,

which chart do we put them on?


Incident On R Street

Third floor neighbors
call the cops
because one floor down from them
a crowd of people
we don’t recognize
are smoking crack,
and one floor down from that
all I can hear is the noise
of heavy stumbling on
the kitchen floor, bedroom floors,
bathroom floor, living room floor
above me…

Third floor has a newborn
and they’re a little bit upset
at second floor’s disarray and clamor,
how we all had roaches for a few months
because no one there took out the trash
and now we’ve cleared that up —
but who are all these people
anyway?

Third floor wonders
why the cops don’t come
to see to the second floor.

I know they won’t.

They didn’t come for my break in,
and when they came later on
for the one next door
they told me it was my fault
for living in 
this neighborhood.

The only time they’ve ever come
to rattle our doors
was in the deep of the night
when a roommate died
from a fentanyl kiss
on the second floor 
years ago.

So I sit and wonder
about the limited potential
for there ever to be
a big blue knock
on the building door,

badges and flashlights
and guns asking me
to let them in
to the hallway to
the floors above me,

fat chance of anything at all
unless someone dies

or is about to die…

What answer should I make
to a knock in the night
from someone who thinks
any pain on this street
is well-deserved?

No idea, but

we need something 
that doesn’t look like this,
like any of this. 


Will Never Be

Am not and will never be
a pleased citizen of a displeasing culture

where life has been tuned to enforced dissatisfaction
and to wanting so much more than is good for you

Where all cues are taken from the long-ago dead
and to freestyle beyond them is anathema-death

Am not and will never be traditional
in the sense of the word that means toe-the-line

where there are different lines for different people
and we are backed up snarling across them at others

Where we drown in the smarmy the snark and the witless
and stare at the sun till we burn out our TV-dulled eyes

Am not and will never be pure at my center
in this place where percentage and quota are God

If you are more of this more of that
Or less than required in all of your portions

they set you aside and remand you to hell
Where the fire’s burned out and you shiver to pieces

Am not and will never accept this as normal
Am not and will never lie down and sleep well

in this place that might have been something at one time
Maybe for ten minutes or maybe fifteen

a long time ago in the head of a child
who lay down and drifted through patriot dreams

then awoke in this place and once they could see it
have never had rest for a whole night since then


Bluejay

Amazed that the world
bothers to be beautiful
before our eyes, continues
to thrive as it can, until I recall

that even as we are part of it,
it was not made
for our comfort and joy

and it would fall back into
a serenity of balance without us. 

If there were no
walls or screens between us
that bluejay would not likely stay 
for as long as he does
so close to me. 

That falls
on me and mine and while
I mourn it, I accept it —

though I make my life
on the possibility
of change, though I work
for change, I accept that

whatever beings feel 
they must remain wary of me
are right to do so,
and if they are willing to draw closer
someday, it will be on me
to make that possible.


Steel

I wasn’t born
to be a sword,

to be the thrust point
of any fight;

I’ve lived a whole life
of blunted regret over that.

I was asked
to be a shovel,

to dig deep,
put in unsung work;

instead I lay there 
dissatisfied, a waste of steel.

It’s not too late
to shrug off self pity of course,

but now instead of
turning my own soil,

I should help dig others’ gardens,
load them with compost

I’ve been hoarding
for a lifetime,

provide some hope
that what will grow there

will fuel the next generation
of steel.


Song Of My True Self

Just as I was
the stupid child, wearing
slippers out into the snow;

just as I was
the lying child, hiding
report cards and failure notices;

just as I was
the teenage fake sensitive, wanting
only to jump someone’s bones;

just as I was
the heedless young drunk, waving
a knife at the local bar;

just as I was
the swollen ego, chasing
grandeur with a pen on a stage;

just as I was
the frightened adult, scrambling,
mystified by the future.

Just as I am
now — what I am now,
with so little grip

on possibility, so much
weight dragging behind;
I lean, I loafe, I invite old words

to explain just
who I was, who I am.
They are never enough.

Just as I am now
is how I have always been — cold feet,
lies, weapons, drunkenness,

inexplicable pools
of lust, ego overriding fear;
a citizen of this place and time,

as I always
have been; like my country
I am stopped
, waiting.


After Death

After death

may I find myself 
in a red 1966 International pickup

on Taos Canyon Road 
endlessly making my way
toward Quinta

never arriving

Or maybe I’ll find myself
in Venice again

strolling through Castello
my presence no longer shouting
“tourist” and “American” to all

because I’ll be invisible
just a good breeze

After death
if there is nothing
then I shall want nothing

but if there is to be something

let it be something
that lets me be
what I wanted to be

grounded in some place
where in life I found myself

longing to belong


Dear America

Dear America,

I can’t with you today
and I’m lucky I don’t have to.

You smell, for one thing. Like
sweat, fear, death mixed in.

It’s unpleasant. 
I shouldn’t have to

smell that just to call myself
a citizen. You cheat

at duck-duck-goose
and granted it’s usually in 

my favor but it’s still not easy for me
to see how you strike the geese

almost at random, almost. And
you’re so damn loud — louder

than electric blues these days,
louder than rock and roll — I knew

how to deal with loud
back in the day but this

new racket, I can’t hear
myself in there at all. It leaves me

a little bit upset.
I’m sorrowing a bit

over the way the night’s fallen
on you, on me. 

Dear America,

I can’t with you today
and lucky for me I can 

work from home and leave
the news off. I think it’s

terrible, how they show
these things and give people

ideas. I think
and I think, I really do, but

sometimes I’m in my feelings
and then I get lonely and reminisce

about how we used to be
together when you never

looked over my shoulder
to notice anyone else. How I long

for a return to your exclusive embrace,
America. How I yearn for

the sweet old smell of myself
on your collar,

the once-clean stripes
on our flag.