the length of time
it takes for me
to explain again
to yet another person
the pain of all the generations
(indigenous and not)
that have preceded me and 
settled in me

shortens my life
by decades

thinking of all
the decades I’ve lost
in which
I could have done
so many trivial things
that would have made me
unremarkable

in truth all I wanted
was an armchair
solid food
a beverage and
a little love
from loved ones
along with a little respect from
those I meet

but here I am
and the long
and the short of it  
is that I’m either
ten feet tall and looming
as a learning experience
for some or
microscopic
beyond the vision
of others

I’d just like to be
five foot eight
thick and graying
and left alone

Am not D and D
Am neither Magic nor Minecraft
nor even Pokemon Go
Not anime
Cannot speak in manga
Cannot read emoji
Am not EDM
Am no Internet troubadour
When new songs are mentioned
I am bewildered by them all
From behind these changes
I am asking

what is
the world now

Cannot stand in cipher
or freestyle
Words slip by
faster than I can hear
Though never shy to stage myself
As heads turn from what I do and am
I puzzle over how and why and

what is
the world now

I squint to see gray today
Was born to black or white
I strain to see gradation
from pole to pole
Was born to see either heat or ice
It turns faster
than I was raised to move
Was born to claim either here or there
Male or female
Right or left

I am being changed but

what is 
the world now

Stood so long
where ground seemed strong
So little need
to shift my weight
Footing changes below me
I maintain
but not without fear
Mind unclear as scramble
becomes routine
Body sore and incomplete
as pace rises and

what is
the world now

Am not made for this
Was made for a slower climb
In fact was not built to climb at all
Was expected to float and rise
by nature over nurture

What is
the world now 

A rock shuddering through changes
impersonal and fatal

People who are proudly not
what they were long forced to seem

And as for
shrunken, straggling, uncomfortable me

Am not D and D, am not shibari
Am not EMD, am not Fall Out Boy
Am lost old man
Zigging in panic to try and keep up
Increasingly unsure if I want to or should

for what is the world now

but a growing rejection
of all I was built for

Ready for my self-demolition
of which it will take little notice

as it moves in another direction
from where I shall rest in its dust

Where you come from
the people speak the language
of eyelids: all messages, direction,
and mission revealed
in hints of motion visible
behind shuttered faces. 

You can usually 
get past the noise level here,
but some days, you come home
and lie in the dark wishing
for someone to read
what you’re thinking.

Such a loud land
you’ve landed in: news
a broken set of bells
echoing every minute, opinion
half screaming angry,
half screaming in sorrow.
You wonder if it will ever
fall silent, then fear that moment
is coming soon and no one
will know what to do, 
except explode.

World outside is greasy
with nonsense today; that wind
has some throat to it.
Had to get up early; no sleep

to be had with that voice
slipping around corners, 
through windows, along eaves.
Anyone would prefer

to stay in bed with that
chaos blowing so hard; rather
keep sleeping, keep screwing, 
keep blank and dark and quiet

pretending it’s going to end
as quickly and silently as it began,
but it doesn’t work that way; this same
scouring windstorm has blown

from first day to this one
and all that changes is who is here
to confront it and build new shelters
among its teeth. No matter how slippery

life gets, someone always finds a footing.
No matter how loud and dirty life gets,
someone always whispers
something clean enough 

to break through it. It might well
be you: uncomfortable you,
frightened you, present 
and dawning and perfect,

born in this time for this time.

He’s feeding the birds
before putting out the trash —
making sure they’re fed,
making sure the recycling’s done
right, making sure of his own little circle.

He will not watch television this morning
because they’ll be showing the funeral
of a villain, and after all the funerals he’s wept at
he does not want to see 
the weeping at this one.

He’s feeding the birds
before putting out the trash,
before anything else he might do
to avoid the prattle and rattle
of ceremony.

He will not stop thinking
“rot in hell” today
because it’s the only way he can assuage
the horror of knowing the funeral means
the bastard got away with everything.

He’s feeding the birds. He’s putting out the trash.
He’s amazed he made it this far
and after all the funerals he’s been to,
he’s glad he lived to see this one although
he’s sorry it took this long.

Dear settler, dear pioneer spirit:

once the log is freed
from the rest of the trunk,
look at the grain, look at 
the potentially stubborn 
knots.  Pick your

spots, set the first
wedge, tap it in lightly
with your sledgehammer
till it’s upright and ready.

Step back.

Raise that hammer high –
your hands sliding apart,
then together, letting the natural
gravity bring it down

onto the hard, mashed-up
flat of the wedge, driving it
into the natural faults of the grain,
tearing it open until that piece falls away.

Reset, repeat

until it’s done,
until it’s all 
stacked and waiting
for its time to burn.

Dear settler, dear
pioneer spirit. Dear 
all-American sense of destiny
made manifest in brawny moves:

this has nothing to do with the wedge
and everything to do with the fire.

I have fretted
over not recalling my dreams 
until tonight
when I had one in which

two magazine-handsome white boys
laughed as they told me
they were going to steal the trailer
I was dragging up from the ditch
where it had rolled after detaching from the car
when I took that too-fast turn
up the hill;

this after I’d done all the work
of searching for it in the autumn brush
of the ruined industrial park
where it had rolled long ago
into near-invisibility
among the bittersweet
and wild grape vines
whose color almost matched
its rust and dents;

I had not yet decided how to use it
or even to scrap it or sell it but
I had had a small vision of it becoming 
the basis for a small side business to help me
survive, no clear plan really, just an inkling
that something this usable and abandoned
shouldn’t be left to rot;

so when the laughing little men
in polos and good jeans from some
ungodly expensive store laughed at me
and said they were going to take it, and what
could I do about it against them, and how did I think
this was going to end, I did not bother to ask them
why they were doing it;

they were doing it because they could, because 
they had money, because they had family to back them,
because they were whitely empowered, because nothing
had prepared them to hear no, to believe in no, 
to even understand no; this was just a game to them —
to steal the most broken thing they could from someone
as broken as the thing they were going to steal
and to laugh as they were doing it;

and as American
and as low-down
and as modern
as all this was,
as much as I wanted
to walk away
from the trailer and the boys
and maybe even my car
and go drop my shame
into the nearby river
and drown with their laughter
in my dying ears,

I could not.

The knife from my pocket
was now in my strong hand.
The pepper gel from my pocket
was now in my other hand.
I had enough, enough, and I sprayed first
intending to slash right after —

and then I woke up
wringing wet, lying with the covers
kicked off as if this were still
the Fourth Of July, as if this were still
August the sixteenth

when it was still warm in the outside world,
when I wasn’t yet fighting for scraps,
when it seemed like I might yet win.

I have often had the dream
of falling and the startling snap
of finding myself awake, 
panting, just before
hitting the ground.

There are those who say
falling in a dream
is only fatal if you 
hit the ground in the dream,

which must mean you’ll be dead
when you wake up after impact
and not before,

which only makes sense
if you don’t think about
how anyone knows all this

if those who struck bottom
died and did not come back to tell
the rest of us.

Sleep disorder researchers
claim that instead
of it being a just-missed death
that jerks you awake 

it is instead
a sudden oxygen deprivation 
in random muscles
causing a sleep twitch
called a hypnic jerk

and that is how the startled waking
at the bottom of the fall
is created.

Hypnic jerk or narrow escape:
either way, in the aftermath
of the dream I find myself 
awake with fading memory:
rushing air around my ears.
Face up, falling from a great height.
Anticipation dashed. A longing
to slip back into sleep, just to see
where I might have landed,
what that country 
would have been like.

Perhaps the myth of it being fatal 
not to wake up from the falling dream
was created and spread by those
who feared the masses’ discovery

of solid ground waiting
to catch and cradle and exalt 
those who fly in dreams
in spite of the fear of falling;
after all, who could say 
what might come from people
with no fear of their own dreams.