Tag Archives: poems

Candid

When I saw
the photo of myself
I squirmed
for only a moment
then looked straight at it.

I saw a gray man
with a crooked smile,
my father’s face looking back at me,
sporting a half-mouth grin
I’d only ever seen in one photograph
from Korea, green before first combat
in his uniform,
his whole platoon around him,
his hair short, his eyes bright,
nine years before my birth.

In the picture he’s smirking
as if he knew even then
that his son would someday come
to a similar moment of recognition
and amused resignation,
a moment of humor
before a terrifying future,
that my face
would inevitably become his
in spite of all my years of being certain
that if I just kept my head down
and did everything he never did,
I could keep such a thing
from ever happening.

I wonder if he knew
that it would take this long.

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The Story Of An Unsaid Thing

We fought all the time.
Two strong heads butting up
against different world views.
Work was like that, a lot.

When she sent her sister to me
for career advice, I was shocked.  Her sister
told me she’d said
how much she respected me and that I’d help,
anyway I could.

Feeling guilty, I called her
and we made plans
for lunch the following week.

I had a lot to say,

and the next day she got on a plane
and it flew into a building
and she became —
what?  Icon, symbol, memory,
martyr, victim —

She was none of those.  A huge smile
and a sharp tongue.  A quick word
and a deep thought.  A boss, a mother,
an adversary and a thorn.  Yes, those —

but I don’t know what to call her now.
She was a colleague, less than a friend,
but she looms in me now
below my heart, nudging it with her strong head,
reminding me:

I have left things unsaid
in so many places.
I have misjudged and will again.
I have held grudges and still do,

and I don’t know where her sister is today.

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Ritual

After dusk
but before the sun is completely forgotten,

find the growth that is strangling
the fruit tree.

Split it down its horny middle
with your shaman’s nail;

pulp out the translucent flesh
on your sky finger.

Hold it up
and see the moon, rising, out of round

and pink, through the mess.
Spit twice to the east and wipe your hand

on the moving ground.  Leave nothing,
not even a stain, upon yourself;

see it there before you waiting to be abandoned.
Walk away. Find the nearest spring and wash naked

no matter how cold the source.  This is enough,
you should tell yourself three times.  Enough

to make the fruit tree whole again, to make its seeds
edible and fresh

wherever they eventually fall.  Do not speak of this to anyone!
Let them think it was magic.    Let them live unaware

of how it was: the cry of the tree upon being pierced,
the gross shudder of the earth upon receiving the pulp.

It is enough to live.  Enough that you lived through it.
Enough that the knowledge exists, and that you will remember it.

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Morality

Whatever
“the good” turns out to be,
I imagine it will be
more of a recovered memory
than a new discovery.

We seek it
everywhere, seek it
in piles of filth, seek it
in a reason for bloodshed,
seek it in the eyes
of those we’ve rejected.

Though sometimes we defend ourselves
into some misdirection, some blurred view
of its nature, we know it somehow
when we see it:  “the good”

is recognizable, a dawning
remembered for its warm presence.
We seek it
knowing it already; duck and cover
before it, ashamed of our long distance
from it, abashed in knowing
it’s never been far,
always near by and always sensed,
if not always
conveniently placed.

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A Labor Day Prayer For Worcester

Scared, lonely,
a little too close to death,
I leave the apartment
on a Labor Day for a ride
to anywhere, elsewhere,
somewhere not here.

A sign outside a church on Greenwood Street
proclaims:

“GOD DOESN’T PROMISE YOU
A CALM JOURNEY
ONLY A SAFE LANDING”

I drive to Elm Park.

I choose a bench
and sprawl there, arms outstretched
along the back, legs crossed before me.

Round, brown teenage girls
stroll by arm in arm, giggling
(I suspect) at my belly.  A Frisbee
clips my leg, grinds into the gravel
at my feet, and a shaggy blond boy rushes up,
stops just before plowing into me,
apologizes; I acknowledge him
from behind my shades.

I walk up Highland
to the Boynton for a beer
and a slice.  The Red Sox
are playing the White Sox
and losing, but the beer is cold
and the pizza is warm enough;

one regular throws up his hands
at a lost opportunity, bases loaded
and no one scores.  Starts talking about
the early season, “remember that first sweep
of the Yanks? These guys always
break my heart, but I always come back,”
talking to no one, for everyone,
and we all nod, me still in my shades
as I finish and go back to the car.

I take the long way home, pass
that sign again:

“GOD DOESN’T PROMISE YOU
A CALM JOURNEY
ONLY A SAFE LANDING”

and from somewhere,
maybe from the torn-up blacktop
under my protesting tires,
maybe from inside me,
comes The Voice:

round and amused as a brown girl laughing at a fat man,
smooth and amazed as Jacoby Ellsbury stealing home in April
while Andy Petitte isn’t looking,
clocking me as hard as an errant Frisbee:

“I NEVER PROMISE ANYTHING
IT’S ALWAYS THERE FOR THE TAKING
DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ”

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Mary Celeste

Blistered and marooned
by the heat of my divided spirit,
stalled on a spit far from solid land,
I’ve become the wreck I’ve always expected.

But if I founder here, after all this time
wondering when it would happen and what moment
would put me over the edge at last,
it will not be without a gentle, bitter laugh

at how quietly I’ve ended up here now:
no huge explosion of pain, no rejection
of my being, no shattering revelation
of my own tiny nature.  No:

I end here thinking of nothing but fatigue,
the heavy silence in my hold, beams apparently solid
but straining to hold themselves to one another
ad ready to give out.  I have become

a Mary Celeste of a man, all the contents
intact, only the driving force absent, and when I’m found
they’ll see the mystery of me:
no one aboard and the ship still ready,

its sails vacant in the still, hot air;
a line trailing behind, attached to nothing;
cries of seabirds falling flat, the beams answering
as they grind themselves apart on this sliver of sand.

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After The Conversation

I went to the riverbank
and tossed a cigarette
onto the pool at the base of the dam.

In the dusk, it arced,
red star smooth, then winked out.
I think I heard a fish strike on it.

I don’t like to think about
what happened to that fish.
Fire, poison,

cold water, a body slipping along
until it lodged in the rocks. 
I refuse to imagine it.

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Machine Gun

How do we know
we are modern?  Because
the song of the machine gun
so often answers our morning sun.

It’s not a hymn, we tell ourselves,
but some god must adore it,

its rattlejack melody
and simple chatter so commonplace
we don’t look up when we hear it
on a television show, in a movie,

but let the chorus start before us,
in person,
let our days threaten to end with this
before we have begun them

and we understand so much,
feel a kinship with millions
who’ve heard it through the years,
begin to imagine ourselves
at Wounded Knee, in the Ardennes,
San Juan Hill, countless villages.

Maybe it is a hymn we’re hearing.
Maybe this is our true religion:

a faith born of duck and cover,
cower and hide.  This god
brings us together with shared whispers
and screams, making us
equals
under the clouds of lead.

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Epiphany: Crown Peak. 1987

When it is time to stop

When it is time to stop
doing
and begin being

When it is mountain time
and you are at the base
and you are at the peak
all at once

When you climb with no exertion
When you are still

When a hawk is in your eye
you see the hawk
and see
from the hawk’s eye how small you seem
from where the hawk is
from where you are

Time to be washed out
Time to blend neutral into
where you are
Perfected camouflage
Transparent instead of
disguised

As you were
before
you were the fragile jumbled man
you are now
It is time for that again
When it is time to begin
When it is time to stop

All the gold of the Old and New Worlds
All the Conquest dreams
All the fever of wars fought for greed

explained then forgotten in this moment
of settling in
ceasing to resist
no longer treating existence
as adversary
as resource
but Source

When it is time to begin to stop
to begin being and stop doing

say it:

Time —
Stop

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Starches

Suckin’ em down —
bagels, English muffins,
half loaves of bread —

better than Prozac, better than
therapy,
hell, they are therapy —

“scientists theorize that
the craving for carbohydrates
is a symptom of clinical depression –”

of course it is.  I’ve breakfasted and lunched
my way through a lot of clinical depression.
My waistline is my safety agreement —

tells me, “keep me fat on hearty breads,
loaves, no fishes, no greens, no fruits —
I’ll make sure you’re too heavy for the rope,
too fat to reach for the gun under the mattress –”

It’s working.  It’s working!
I’ll have a cigarette and keep to the couch,
keep writing, keep at it,
crumb king, face full of baguette
for that existentialist atmosphere —

Goddamn,
I’m happy! 

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Prayer

Nothing poetic about this:

doesn’t matter what I’ve said,
written, blurted, spat, or spewed before:

no reason to parse this, scan this,
I’ll admit it’s no poem worthy of the name:

no rapper, slammer, academic voice
worth its breath here:

don’t care.

What I say now is just said
for its naked meaning:

live.  Live.  The art will come
from that, but later.  For now,

just live.

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Modern Apocalypse Rag (1976)

Note:  Found this in old notes; apparently, written in 1976.  I was 16 years old, and obviously in love with Allen Ginsberg and Gwendolyn Brooks at this point of my life.  Offered as a historical note, mostly for myself.

We all stomp round and round.  We rage at sky,
at ground.  We hunt and peck
and scream.  We hate, we fear,
we dream.  Corpses love their names.
We rip ourselves with games.
We hope, but hope’s a lie.  We live,
we wait to die.  The trees
don’t know we care.  The sea,
the fish, the air.  We strike at those
we loathe.  We sleep we those we love.
We can’t tell them apart.  We give up making
art.  We drink our salty tears.  We do this
all our years.  We spend our time on pain.
Our children do the same.  We lie down,
glad to sleep.  When we die,
no one will weep.

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Detour

Instead of my common heart,
my overworked soul, I give you my feet:
unsteady, crawdaddy-rough chargers
upon which I pace
and stroll and run when chased;

I give you my fat-educated
and expanded belly, ready to bounce
and shake and heave with emotion
or digestion, establishment of my place
on the path I walk, going always before me;

I offer you my unmowed head
and my aging ears, the ringed and studded
captives obscured by the overgrowth
above.  I give you my dimmed and unfocused
eyes.  My staggered teeth.  My flaked lips

that pronounce well enough but rarely say anything
well-considered, preferring to be ruled
by the blurt of the moment that may be truth,
may be nonsense, may not be either just yet —
but you should listen for it to settle on one or the other

in midair.  I give you my tattoos, blue words
stretched and softening as they age, now mellow
declarations that once were strident and loud
with clean edges and obvious, blocky contrast
to the pale and blubbery hide they rest on.

Take me:  furred chest, small nipples, creased abdomen,
flattened and spreading ass, stick-figure manhood,
take every dear deficiency on a worn anatomy.
I am a body made of stories, I can tell them all,
and failure and addiction and weakness led me to them;

they’re nothing I can recommend, but they’re all that I can offer,
outer suit of the common heart,
the overworked soul,
the simple jungle I’ve made of my life. 
You can take it all.

Read me by reading the unfortunate shape I’m in.
Beauty is too easy when you do not take a detour
to the unveiling.  Follow the signs,
come out at the destination you desire: I am waiting
there, magnificent, if only by being here still.

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The Suicide Machine Speaks (revised)

— from a writing prompt by Curtis Meyer

Let me start by just saying it:  I love this guy.  Sure,
the music is always too loud, but I do my best
to keep the exhaust screaming, to drown it out,
but he just turns it up. He’s a man
and he needs that noise, I guess.

Even when he loads me up for a night
with friends and guitars,
I know he’s secretly lonely,
just like me.  A muscle car,
no matter how big, is really made for two;

no matter how I try,
he never sees me as his better half.
I’m just a way to help get to what he imagines
will make him whole:
a permanent passenger.

In the meantime, while he’s yearning,
he’s got a good (but randy) heart.
Always talking to lost women, trying to get them to ride.
I’m OK with that; having to carry just him on those empty runs
down Route 88 always seems a little sad, so

I can tolerate every groupie he pulls in,
him always thinking this one will do it for him,
though she never does.  Afterwards, he writes songs
about someone else. I like to think I’m the great love
he’ll never openly acknowledge, the denied Other he pines for

on those shore drives, those trips to Madam Marie’s.
Once, cruising from Freehold to the Shore,
I tried to express what I was feeling. 
“Boss,” I said (working his ego), “Boss,
you know you’ll never get anyone who purrs for you like me.

We’ll take it on the road together.
Open us up and let’s just go. Forget Wendy
or whoever else you’re thinking of right now. 
We’re born to run, baby,
you and I…”

I don’t care that he stole the line.  I don’t even care
about him calling me a “suicide machine.”  He knows
any death we might find together
would be an accident and I’d never hurt him, no matter
how I hurt. No, if there’s anything I resent,

it’s not the girls — it’s that guitar. 
I think he loves it more
than I could ever love him,
and I know it’s not the same for her:
snarly little bitch, ingrate,

making him work for it,
always taking credit for his fame —
lemme tell you: I think we all know
which Fender really
made his name.

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Weepy

It’s silly of me
to be weepy
when the talk show host
gives a luxury car
to a needy audience member,

really.  I know the reality —
that the car was provided
for promotional consideration,
will be hugely expensive to insure
and drive.  That the applause
for the gesture
is bait for the ratings beast.

But here I am,
weeping
at the weeping.  Happy
in a passing moment
to feel something beyond cynicism
about a good thing happening
to someone.

Don’t worry,
or do,
because this, too,
will surely pass.

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