Tag Archives: meditations

Stall The Engine

To be fully alive
one must stall the engine

that carries you through
this ossified human stage.

Egg as you are now, indebted
to your job and reputation 

to hold you together
for lack of a being inside,

you must break the engine
with the understanding  

that as messy as you may become,
you are on the verge

of true incarnation at last:
not reincarnation,

for that is your first life
gestating within

the thin tough walls
you have shown the world

while your shell ran on a track
toward the shattering moment

when you will come forth from it
not as human — perhaps as dragonish

snake or armored hawk; smoke 
trailing behind you, the wreck

of the engine piled in your wake, at last 
able to breathe deeply, to fly.


Naptime

Choosing the right bed
for your longest nap
takes a lifetime:

shall it be firm or soft,
wide or narrow?  Or are you
resigned instead

to sleeping wherever
you eventually fall upon 
a flat space 

long enough
to stretch out
and be silent?

No matter how you do this
you live toward your sleep
from your first waking.

Some choice,
some chance, 
same sleep. 


My Role

Understudy to the lead screw up,
bogeyman in the wings
incessantly running lines
to stay ready, so ready to go on stage
and flounder, fall, fail.

A big break is coming
for certain. Small ones
keep happening
and momentum being what it is
all that’s needed is readiness.

For now, maintaining is enough.
Getting the inflection right 
when keening, having the right gestures
to accompany stepping off a cliff
into disappearance. Practice

makes for a perfect disaster, a step by step
breakdown of breakdown. Others
who’ve done this never have the chance
to make it better so first time must be
the last time and that last time had better be

so wrong it’s just right.


The Game Preserve

Revised from 2012.

When some people hear
I’m a poet they expect

that words like
French hummingbirds
will fall from my mouth:
flashing subtleties, gems
suspended on a crimson string
for them to pluck.

I want to say to them,

it’s not going to shimmer like that,
not always, not often.  Sometimes
there are no hummingbirds —
sometimes it’s just
one Worcester robin
doing its drab and wormy job.

Sometimes I’ve got 
a whole game preserve
inside me.  Hosting
a whole wilderness —
apparently that is so important 
it has become my vocation.

If you want to know
what poetry I have in me,
know three things:

one, beyond the
instantly arresting beauties 
I can introduce to you
there will always be some
that are hideous and you will
draw back and some so plain
you will not see them
at first;

two, among the
plain and ugly
will be some that are venomous
and some that will heal —
there will be the same among
the beautiful ones,
of course;

third,
whether peacock or slug,
three-legged dog
or most unexpected unicorn,

understand that I have to live with them
and I am the walls and cages they loathe.  

These aren’t pets.  
They don’t love me.
They all growl, claw, bite.

When people hear I’m a poet and ask to hear more
they need to be prepared for the blood.


Bone

see that bone
that bone that
dry bone

connected to
nothing
for too long

a bone 
long ago pulled 
from its wet nest

lies beside
the road 
leading out of here

it has been drying
forever out there
that bone could tell

some stories I bet
if you are willing
to listen 

imagine it is your bone
imagine you could put it back
it might offer wisdom

as to why
you gave it up 
in the first place

that bone
that bone that
dry bone

like you
connected to
nothing for so long


Fire Sale Artists

Revised from 2014.

I’m down
to my last hundred bucks
waiting for 
a late paycheck
and thinking of Sal Paradise
who (disguised as
Jack Kerouac) used to
wire back east from Denver
for twenty dollars
and consider it
enough money with which
to see the country
traveling across the continent
screwing women over
romanticizing the hustle

I will grant you
it was the 1940s
Money and hustle went farther
back then
but now I can’t even go
to the grocery store 
with less a hundred bucks

I sit at home 
fuming and sobbing
counting pennies
trying to do right by 
the woman I love

The only thing I share with Sal
and his friends 
is the whole suffer for art thing
They claimed more joy and less care
than I do
the feckless bastards

I don’t envy them
They mostly all died
drunks or fossils
They were fire sale artists when alive

EVERYTHING MUST GO GO GO

I’m just the opposite
I wanna hang on to something
but a hundred bucks isn’t enough
in 2022
to buy much that will last

Anyway if poverty
kills so much around me
that I have to hit the road
at some point
I won’t last long because
in 2022
they just shoot the mad ones

 


Calendar

The calendar is a falsehood.
It ought to be as spring in here
as it is outside but in here
winter is sticking around.

Looking out
at soggy old shit
that has been hidden
under the snow: see there

a little man,
a little fat man. Little old fat man
with broken eyes
and self-important whine

who has been stuck inside
for so long he can’t see green
at all. It might be coming but
he turns away and grabs

at the calendar
that he just knows
must be a falsehood.
Tears it down, tosses it

across the room at the 
recycling bin. March?
Give March to someone who
can use the mid-month hope.

Turns his back on the window,
his little old fat man back.
If he could see the incipient green
out there, he would be trying

to shout it back underground,
back to brown. There are 
more blizzards to come, he knows,
but not how long before they strike.


Atlantis

Revised. From 1999.

1.   Prelude

breakfast: approved fruits and grains and decaf

they sit and eat accompanied by radio’s easy news
of celebrity quirks
blood tragedy trivia
ripples over an abyss

there are the usual long silences
between two who’ve been together a long time
who once believed they had known each other
long before this life and are no longer sure

he paced his den last night
trying to recall the flavor of civilization

she lay awake upstairs
listening to other insomniacs’
fever fear of UFOs

if there were ever children here
they are not apparent now
so they will spend the day
as they spend every day

absorbed in paperbacks and gossip
never quite grasping the answering machine
if they were ever friends
those bonds have become invisible
in all this mist
that attends the slow closing of their world
as it slips to one side

and they begin to seek
Atlantis

2.  The Husband’s Library

Come into the
shadow of this red rock…

he read that phrase some years ago
it drives him crazy because he can’t place the source 

all he really knows is that as he read them the first time
the words rose out of his center like islands glimpsed from afar

and they are there still

some nights when he is lying in his den
surrounded by fabulous stories
he sees himself on one of those islands
draped in a fine robe
crouched in the cool shade
of an enormous sandstone ledge
he is adored by millions
who flock from the cities to see him

he stares across the crowd
from under the safety of his
natural pulpit 
is beloved
and is wise
and is haunted
by fiction

he knows his imagined wisdom
is all his own creation
there are plenty of other myths

that would have him crushed
or buried
or drowned

while the red rock loomed in the background
as metaphor
as symbol
some kind of doom
meted out by the earth
to those who dream of perfection
in small family rooms surrounded by fantasy

red rock looms
and looms
and looms

he drops his habit
becomes naked
in the presence of red rock

in a waste land
he never allows himself
to reconsider

3.   The Wife’s Radio

she lies down wide awake
as her clock opens the night with 12:47
it’s a good start she thinks
past midnight but not yet one o’clock
still time to get a good night in
barely AM

unlike

the radio that is always AM
and the man on the radio
who is always suspicious

he says

there are stars
that move

there are whiter
lines outside the yellow lines you can’t cross

there are cigars
over your head

there are scoffers
anywhere you look

anywhere you look
there are fools

there are people up
there

and down here too
but not visible

some are friends
and some are alien gray

blending into elf
tales we grew up with

the clock chimes in at 2:13
now we’re getting serious
now we’re speaking for everyone
who never gets out much
now we are talking olympus

he says

there are people
who are taken by the gods

there are stories
that don’t hold water when you pour it on

there are big heads
that won’t admit opinions

there are men in
the halls of power

there are women
under the sidewalks

there are marriages
that act like Kabuki parody

white faces farce
stereotype almost otherworldly

not ever quite
there

still awake at 3:36
way past dream now

is the rain natural this late, or this early

she thinks someone downstairs is tossing stones against
the windows
does she dare go find out
if facts are facts

he says

there are secrets
that look like commercials for mind loss

there are facts and
then there are facts

there are spotters
holding up the constitution for ridicule in the desert

there are old
stories that make ours seem like sequels

there you go when
you do go

when she falls asleep at last
nothing is stable 
except those huge eyes that shine like definitions

paradise has slipped

4.  The Journey to Atlantis

I will never kill
you, my love,

they are both thinking
as they resume their spots at their
breakfast table

breakfast: approved fruits and grains and decaf

they sit and eat
accompanied by radio’s easy news
of celebrity quirks

the usual long silences
between two who’ve been together a long time
who once believed they had known each other
long before this life and are no longer sure

when the news stops
being about the news
and nothing can be done

when the anchors talk and talk
of what the anchors want to talk about
and nothing can be said

they will think of Atlantis
stop dreaming of a temporary sacrifice

they will think of Atlantis
in the western ocean
or the eastern sea

Atlantis
where sabbaths came with no clouds overhead

Atlantis
where braver tales were told in the councils of power

Atlantis
where the highways were long and straight

Atlantis
I loved you then

Atlantis
when the egg you were hatching

Atlantis
was the thing that would drown you

Atlantis
which was solely red rock on soul blue sea

Atlantis
which was dark against the sky every holy peak of it

Atlantis
which is still a name of dreams

Atlantis
every people has you

Atlantis
every school refers to you

Atlantis
isn’t it nice to be remembered by

a couple
who lives forever in silence
whose children are grown

whose every memory is infected with longing
for something
that has always been

Atlantis
a place of such perfection
they know it must have been real once

hear them whisper

please say that
just now it’s only covered over

for God’s sake say it isn’t gone


Footpath

So little new 
to say
once you realize
that you have stopped
being a person and
transformed into
a footpath
now that you have
reached a certain age,
that people
either follow you
or wear you out
or stray from you;

you are so carved
into your surroundings
that you cannot help 
but stay in your groove, 
ground into the landscape
until the last person
who remembers you 
as a person has passed,
and that will be all,

but still you keep
doing this Work

because there’s always a chance 
of you becoming one path
to that which is still out there,
beyond your view, a destination
everlasting and pure enough
that even if no one ever
says your name again 
you will have helped,
you will have mattered.


Since You’re Up

Unloved head
engorged
with refusals.

Rejected body
flaking, sugared up,
hurtling toward blindness.

Severed connection to earth,
air, water, and all else. 
No true belonging, no safe relations.

Profoundly diseased,
immersed in delusion;
cats don’t care,

demand feeding
and attention. To offer
those things to them is

a purpose. Mechanical,
disconnected purpose;
means to an end. 

Been here before.
Unsustainable.
Enough for now. 


Cassandra And I

I’d like to be prairie
but am forced to be war.

Grind and not ocean.
Hustle, not canyon.

I once had a voice
of forest and meadow

but am now distant murmur
of ending on fire.

You prefer my former.
How could you not?

My latter leads nowhere.
I don’t want to see.

I’d rather be alone
with sunset on a mesa

or before me a sunrise
over endless blue water

but that’s not the place
for me now, or hereafter.

Instead I’m the singer
of gears full up with gravel,

chosen and forced to stare
into the sparks

that may ignite a prairie.
Remember the prairie

that is ready to burn?
I keep watch. Alarms

in my voice, are my name,
are my all. You sing of the ocean,

you hover above it. I will warn
of what’s coming. Cassandra

and I understand
who we are.


Tied Down

Tied down
like a fresh shot buck
to a roof rack
(future meals for a family)

Or like a tarp
over a roof under repair
Coverage against
sudden blue sky wind storms

What looks like carnage
or restraint
is sometimes
just protection

as a future sometimes requires
a good rope to bind its past
tightly down until it is at last
transformed into present


Material

Just now one arrow
or sharpened word
landing in an arrow’s place

Bandaged hand holding either
pen or sword but either way
struggling with grip

A face so common
no one feels any need
to  put a name to it

Did someone stutter
or was that a
mechanical noise

A voice made of
ground down gears
and silt still in its teeth

Can anyone dance
to a song first sung
by stones falling

from a ledge to
a highway below
and then a car

falling from there and
in this car was a child and 
no one dared to climb down

and see what happened
An adult climbed out
years later with

a broken grip 
weapons and 
a quest 

Never mind a dance
There’s a whole book in there
somewhere 

says someone 
who really doesn’t know
anything about these things


Regarding The Recent Unpleasantries

among us:  there is no time 
to fully explain
how things have come to this pass
but whether because of

a fear of differences,
an unresolved history of slights,
a record of injuries sustained by parties
brightly recalled or dimly suggested;

a daily microcosm replicating
galactic collisions of culture
alloyed with equal parts suffering
and misunderstanding of the Other;

small unending matters of rape upon rape,
murder for entertainment, mayhem
as amusement, enslavement and subjugation,
genocide on behalf of profit motive,

and the reimagination of Creator
as Personal Injury Attorney seeking to pull
whatever it can from Creation itself
until it implodes, or all of the above, here we are.

Regarding the recent unpleasantness:
we endure and shake our heads as if
this can go on forever because of how long
this has gone on, because of how

we have built our home upon this 
as if it were a foundation and not
a pile of sharp rocks soaked in old blood
and new flesh — but oh, the stench of it.

How it burns the head from inside out.
How it chokes our children.
How this decay has become
our banner. How we have died away

from each other. How leaves shrivel
as roots loosen. The sun and moon
turning from us. The earth and ocean
say: Together now, or pass from us.


Disintegration

Why I am unimaginable
these days —

appearing whole to myself in no mirrors,
neither literal nor figurative;

merely an apparition when in person,
an uncertain wisp to some, dismissed

entirely by others.
All I can think of, really,

is the discomfort I feel
in various parts of the body,

the structure I used to feel
was a grand little house.

The creaking these days
from the corners and the eaves

drowns out any clear being
in the decay. Somehow I’m still here

but undiscoverable right now.
Disintegration; not showing as whole.