Tag Archives: humor

What The Cat Dragged In, or, On The Kitchen Floor Of Madness

Never seen anything like it:
it wasn’t a puppy, not a kitten,
not a frog.  Some kinda baby
tentacled thing, or maybe it wasn’t
a baby at all.  Six inches tall or so,
black I think or dark mud-green —
hard to tell.  But it was PISSED,
snarling and ravening under the table
till I booted it out into the yard…ravening?
Oh, that’s what the next door neighbor
called that noise it was making…yeah, of course,
Howard,
the weird one.  He seemed
fascinated with it; happened to be outside
and watched me brain the thing with a shovel.
“Can you imagine,” he said, “if that thing
was huge, perhaps even larger than the largest
of skyscrapers?”  Yeah, he’s a weird one.
I hear he writes.

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Retort

this is just to say
I read
your note

if you think
poetry excuses theft
you’re wrong

however

I am prepared
to drop the charges if

you’ll replace
the plums

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Me For President (Platform)

I would make a good President
because I would have to be dragged
kicking and screaming to the job
because I am relatively free of the mental defect
that would make me think I could do the job
and that makes me more qualified
than those who usually try and do it

I would make a good President
of these Disunited States
because of all the hot bones in my closet
I’ve been everything at one point or another
and everyone could find in me something to hate
or use to declare me unfit for the office

I would make a good President
because my father’s an Apache right off the rez
and my mother’s an Italian immigrant
(don’t worry, she got here legally —
not so sure about my dad)
I’ve got the whole American Dream covered
in one package, baby —
was here, came here
colonized, colonizer

I’d make a good President
because I have inhaled
snorted popped booted swallowed
all the good national drugs —
money fame and casual cruelty
to my fellow Americans
and while I’m on the wagon now
I still know my way around
a finger flipped in traffic
whether domestic or foreign
(I know my enemies can change
on a dime into allies and back again
from years of merging onto freeways)

I’d make a great President
because I’ve got the allegedly necessary genitalia
for the job
I don’t look biracial
so I can be slotted without too much fuss
and I know how to wink and nudge
and slap a back when a back needs slapping

I’m not running
if nominated will not run
if elected will not serve
but boy howdy I’d be good at it
and man oh man you’ll be kicking yourself
next time the vote comes around
that I wasn’t in the race
in fact
I’m thinking of changing my name
to
None Of The Above
just to test the waters

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Clown Therapy

Clown says,

“C’mon, it’s all copasetic.”

Says,

“If you dare claim you are afraid of me
you can kiss my bagged-out ass.
Both our hearts are costumed;
my pulse is as naked underneath
as yours.”

Clown,
dress-up id,
says,

“Let’s get in that car with
my bosom friends. I’m
looking forward
to getting to know you.”

Open your eyes once inside.
You’re not laughing,
exactly; there’s not enough
room for that. But
you’re not crying exactly,
either.

All these shoes,
for one thing,
seem to have
improved your mood.

Clown says,
“This is called
getting over it,”

and you honk
your surprised assent.

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Zodiac Mindwarp

They’ve changed the Zodiac.
You’re up for grabs.

Your destiny shifts a bit to the right.
You are just a little less the same.

You have to crab-walk through the star tide.
It’s making you see things a little differently.

It’s like finding out you were adopted.
It’s like being a ventriloquist’s dummy.

All the animals in the sky are crying.
Your houses miss you.

Still, you like the mirror well enough.
The night sky doesn’t show up there.

That’s the same old you there.
That’s no cookie.

This wobbly earth is so disconcerting.
Maybe if you sleep it’ll stop.

Maybe in the morning it will have stopped moving.
Maybe you’ll see a Zodiac discarded on your lawn.

Maybe you’ll pick it up and put it in the garage.
Hide it behind the packed up tent till summer.

Maybe you’ll forget about it till the next time you go camping.
You’ll find it and wonder what it is.

You’ll put it aside for when you get home.
When you’re lying under the stars, you won’t even think of it.

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Dim Sum, or, What Would You Recommend?

The sad
and soft-centered
dumpling of my self-esteem
has been oversoftened
by the long low heat
of lazy living.

If you want to eat it,
you can.  A little sauce,
something pungent,
will be required
if you want it
to have any flavor at all,

because it’s been bleached
and drained beyond the point
where it could bear
its own taste. 

Turn the lights down,
please, if you take it;
I don’t want to see
how shapeless
it’s become. 
Dim sum indeed

that’s far less
than its parts — talent
and a stubborn faith in the talent
don’t make up for
the energy I never poured
into using it.

You see?  It tastes like
nothing’s there at all.
It barely filled you. 
I can already see you
poking at the cart looking
for something better.

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Steak Or Chicken

there must be days when george clinton
thinks about giving up the stars
for a steady job in furniture repair
and prince thinks about saying fuck it
i’m going into retail
bruce has to desire a corner barbershop
and mick must occasionally think about financial analysis
as a late career choice

just as
right now
i wanna be a rock star like they are
with a name that projects a complete cosmology
the minute it’s uttered

hearing my name
ought to change the inner monologue
of anyone who hears it

that’d be sweet

instead i’m in the store
looking at frozen fajitas
and i could be just anyone

it’s gotten so bad 
if someone calls my name
i don’t turn around because
they couldn’t possibly
be talking to me

and i am so inured
to being a nobody
that even my own name
doesn’t evoke anything except annoyance
that i’ve been disturbed before i can choose

steak or chicken

most days i don’t feel this way
i just go through motions
i’ve been through before
and i’m ok if not happy
the world around me
isn’t mine
i just live here
and i mean so little to it
that when i stop living here
someone else will be just fine
with my name

but right now
i wanna be a rock star
and i want my name to make the choice
of steak or chicken
for me
with a sense of inevitability
as they magically appear in my cart
they are exactly what i want
they are therefore exactly what everyone wants
and if i change my mind later
so shall change the fajitas
and so shall change everyone else’s mind and taste

so while bowie dreams of truck driving
and jay-z longs for an assembly line
i shall think of steak of chicken
and say
why not both
and why do we not call them
tony fajitas
regardless of what they are made from

why do we not cook them to a sound track of me

why does nobody
seem to have a clue
as to whether or not
i’m in the room

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A Week Of Safe Words

I’d like to be
leashed to silence
tonight

so

the safe word
is simply
a volume level

if I scream
real loud

LET ME GO
then
let me GO

~~~~~~~

tonight

the safe word
is

augury

if I suggest
dire prophecy
may be imminently
fulfilled
then

LET ME GO

~~~~~~~

tonight

the safe word
is

aspiration

if it seems that
I am about to reach
my goal

then
LET ME GO

~~~~~~~

tonight

the safe word
is

ouchies

not ouch, though
as I tend to say that a lot

~~~~~~~

tonight

the safe word
is

syllabus

if you hear that
I’ve learned enough

so

LET ME GO

~~~~~~~~

tonight

the safe word
is

reflective tape on racing bike handlebars

if you hear that
I’m not into it anymore
and am thinking of
the Tour de France

so

you might as well

let me go

~~~~~~~~~

at last we come to
tonight

when the safe word
should be

don’t ever let me go

if you hear that

you know the drill

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Slam Poem To Learn And Sing #2: The Ribcage Epistle

1.
In common medical jargon, the combined bones of the thorax that enclose the heart and lungs are called a “ribcage.”

2.
The ribcage was first described as such in the writings of Henri de Vessallo, a learned butcher of the Middle Ages.

3.
Henri, I wish I was with you now:
we’d break ribcages together, create
new metaphors for the bars of bones
that enclose the freedom of breath and blood;
we’d speak together and maybe share a sandwich
if we could, and I would name that too, stealing thunder
from that yet-to-come insufferable Earl,
another dead white man stealing my thought
before I had the chance to be known for it; then again,
I’d call it a sandwich because that’s how learned it
at my mother’s knee, and here we are again, Henri —
in the prison of the Earl’s naming —
are you getting all this?

4.
Certain hallucinatory drugs, in the hands of an experienced shaman, may melt the ribcage altogether and leave the body so flexible that it can pass through its own third eye.

5.
Shaman, meet Henri
who is munching his sandwich as we speak,
eating the oppression of naming.  Forget him,
he belongs to the stanza before last.  You and I
will now go hungry, swallowing the ayahuasca’s fire
and traveling then into the mouth of the dragon,
plummeting like insult down his throat until we decide
to go into his blazing lungs — and what’s this,
up here, surrounding his coal-hot heart, his furnace
of agony, but the same old bones holding him safe —
is this a ribcage, dammit?  I thought
we’d gotten away from this.

6.
The ribcage of a roasted chicken, when boiled for soup, will dissolve and free the space inside.

7.
So, back at Henri’s place,
we’re sitting around, the three of us
(the shaman having returned with me, demanding
a sandwich, calling it “the meat book of eating”)
and imagining new words for things.  I say I shall call
the dragon’s skeleton “the twin bone ladder of the chest,”
but Henri thinks that’s ridiculous.  “Call it a damn ribcage,
everyone else does, stop being such a damn poet,”
says Henri.  The shaman says, “Is there any soup
to go with this meat book of eating?”  “We call that
a sandwich,” I tell him.  “Like the Earl of Sandwich?”
asks the shaman.  “Yeah, just like that,” I respond.
“Ah, pity — he is going to be such an asshole
once he’s born and grows into it,” he sighs.
And Henri looks around for something else to label
with a perfectly good and logical name,
while I am impaled on the jealousy in my chest
that hides there, imprisoned in my —

dammit.

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The Secret Life Of Your Elementary Education

The quick brown fox
steers clear
of the lazy dog.

Sick of this, says the fox to the dog
on the way by.
Jumping over you
is so played out.
You’ve been lying there
for many years,
I’ve jumped reliably over you
literally hundreds of thousands
of times, and you never seem to notice
my grace and poise as I do.
Why waste the effort?
All this jumping is murder
on my joints.  I’ve got better
things to do: a goose to steal
and more energetic hounds
to trick.  An actual challenge
to my cunning.  Something
that represents me better.

The dog says, hey,
no skin off my oft-hurdled back.
Whether or not you jump
seems academic.  After all,

who writes in longhand anymore?

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Poet Profile

He says
“cunt” the same way
an eager little boy
says “mommy, look at me.”
Says “vagina”
the same way
he might once have said
“ain’t I smart?”
Says “pussy”
as if it were a key
and some locked door
might open if he turns it
the right way, exposing
fresh, exciting toys. 

Keep it up,
we tell him,
you’ll tire of it some day,
although at this point,
none of us are sure of that
anymore.

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A Few Words About The Poems

Don’t ask them
if they’re telling the truth.
They will always answer,
“Of course,” and they might be,
but really,
you shouldn’t trust them.

Don’t try to bother them
for their life stories
because chances are good
that they don’t even know
how they got started.

If you’re attracted to their metaphors
try not to show it too much,
because they’re notorious
for pressing any small advantage
and then, next thing you know,
they’ll be moving in
and staying
for a long time,

and that’s damnably inconvenient —
because as mentioned earlier,
they are not assuredly honest.
You may find yourself missing things:
settled opinions, firm perspectives,
a sense of security,
the good silver.  (Did I mention
how hungry they are, how they steal
to pay for their appetites?)

The poems, you see, are brats
born to raise hell, diddle and screw
around.  Sure, some of them,
the love poems especially,
are downright adorable — but beware:

the love poems are the worst. 
Love one of them too much,
put your trust in their preternatural beauty,
confuse that loveliness for truth (regardless
of what Emily had to say about that)
and you could end up letting them
do your work for you when you ought to be
speaking for yourself.

I think we’ve covered the critical stuff:
untrustworthy, cynical, plastic pretty
little monsters, blah blah blah…

and hell,
we haven’t even talked about the poets yet.

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The Grand Scheme Of Party Talk

Two conversations going on,
one in each ear, neither making sense
by itself but put them together
and behold the emergence of
new thoughts.

I will go now
back to a dead corner far away
from the actual talk
and come to some decision
as to how to use the energy
I feel now; I will begin
by eating scraps of cheese and crackers
and finishing a half-empty beer,

and when I fall asleep on an unfamiliar couch
and wake up several hours later,

I’ll have forgotten everything
and that will be at once a crushing blow
and a reason to attend another party
where, if I am lucky,
I’ll have it happen to me again —

except this time,
I’ll get it all down on paper
before I lose it completely.

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Punk Rock Song #2

sarah on the cover of another magazine
saying stupid things she really really means
calls herself a grizzly bear and dresses like a queen

why are we so happy

abercrombie model talking fratboy rapist shit
with a head that’s barely bigger than a fucking cherry pit
and a brain stuffed inside it that has lots of room to fit

why are we so happy

it seems that the dumber they come
the wider we grin
it seems that the louder they talk
the bigger the pain

senator ridiculous opens up his mouth
water turns to burning oil and rivers all dry out
they put money in his pocket to buy a little clout

why are we so happy

it seems that the poison we take
keeps us amused
it seems that the poison we make
is never refused

abercrombie model and a frozen lizard queen
always keep us laughing we don’t question what it means
senator ridiculous is riding limousines

why are we so happy

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Good Night Ferret, Good Night Cat

Good night,
says the ferret in the couch;

it’s been a good night
here in the seat cushions.

Good night,
says the cat in the closet;

it’s been a good night
here on the T-shirts.

Good night,
says the man on the couch in a T-shirt. 

It’s been a good night
watching you both figure out new ways

to be here, using the same things
I do in new ways, turning the house

I see as a coop
into a grand palace,

a playground full of possibilities.
I’m the worst animal here, I guess,

except I can write this
while you’re sleeping, make

a Himalaya
out of a dust bunny

while telling myself
it’s OK that my ass

hasn’t left this couch all night
because I wrote this.

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