Daily Archives: November 16, 2020


When after the fact
you say out loud, “I should
have known” or “Why didn’t they
say anything, why didn’t they
reach out,”

you must consider
the possibilities:

that they did not want
anyone to know,

that they did not want
you to know,

or that they did let you know
and someday you will look back
and see the moment you were told
staring back at you in the mirror,
looking as you should have
when it first happened.

How long do you think
you will be able
to hold your own gaze?


These junky feet
suck. Neither big nor small,
invisibly broken since I was young
and now the damage is catching up —

I’ve been places with them, I admit,
some places I do not regret,
but now I can’t stay upright on them for long.
The long stumble of the past few years

led me here to a seat on a broken couch
and here my ass is going to stay.
I’m looking at my feet, good only now
for kicking — buckets, rocks, myself.

I’d cut them off — but then, why stop there,
and if I dulled the blade while cutting them off
I might be unable to get to the sharpener
and continue up the body. I suppose I could

bring all my knives out
and have them close so I didn’t have to waste
time sharpening this one? I’m glad I thought of it
before I started sawing away, before drowning

the carpet with blood and the air with screams.
Glad I can put these feet to a productive use
one last time. One last journey ahead of me:
a short one but one I should have taken sooner.

But it’s so nice here on the couch
that I might wait a bit longer. See if things
change. See if I change. See if the pain fades.
See if anything at all presents itself anytime soon.