Daily Archives: August 12, 2016

The Mistake Artist

I’ve begun advertising myself on
classified message boards
as a mistake for hire:

call me,
for a small fee
I’ll screw up in your place
and take the blame
and the punishment.

My experience?
I’ve made a life from
being present at events
that shouldn’t have happened,
running the gamut
from spilled milk
to genocide, and
I’ve never cried
at a single one,

though I’ve always felt guilty, often
without a good reason for feeling that.

I draw the line
at subbing for you
on your most intimate errors,
those made from love
or its stand-ins, not from
fear or reticence
but because
I’m still no good
at those myself, though
I can provide referrals
if that’s your need (put simply,
I know a guy…)

Anything else, though —
lost data, financial ruin,
blunders of road
or home, social disasters
in person or on line,
evil political decisions,
callous disregard, neglect
leading to injuries physical
or spiritual — call.  I’ll step up

on what you won’t and take
every last bit of pain for you
so you can go on
your merrier way unencumbered
by consequence.

They say do what you love
and the money will follow,
but I’ve never believed that.
I did what I loved
and the money got swallowed.
So I struck on this: do what you’re good at,
what you’ve shown a talent for,
see what happens. It may be

the biggest mistake I’ve ever made
but if I don’t make it I’ll never know.

So call now.  Give me a sad story
to work with. Let’s make this happen.

Note: I require

payment up front. That’s
one mistake I won’t make