Some reasons added up. Careful; some nastiness therein.
Needless to say, this makes it to the top of the list. While I’m relatively under control at the moment, it’s hard to maintain the status quo; I feel like I’m always fighting, all the time. Side effects hurt; my sleep cycle is a mess (add that to the Apnea and you’ve got real fun) and while I’m losing weight, my reaction to the stuff is shifting as well. I’m 35 pounds lighter than I was this time last year.
The meds are working, but I’m more conscious of them than I ever have been; I know they’re there, y’know? I know they are working because I can feel them working, which is not the same as feeling normal. And this is how it will be till the next time this ratchets up.
Because it will ratchet up. My meds manager is already saying this; that he is surprised that the Lithium is still working since he was sure it was beginning to lose its efficacy. Starting to discuss other drugs. Put me back on Seroquel after making it optional or as needed.
This is the natural course of this; if it doesn’t level off in middle age, it gets worse. Far worse, over time. It’s likely that the rest of life will be a holding action.
It gets old. I’m game, of course; but it gets old. Acknowledging that is
allowed from time to time.
I don’t talk often about this one because I honestly don’t feel publicly credible. I’ve only very rarely been confronted by the issues that people of visible difference face (although it has happened a couple of times), so to speak of the issues I’ve faced seems like whining to many, and I keep silent for the sake of peace. I seethe, but I shut up.
That, right there, is an issue — that because I don’t “look Indian” (quotes added for magnified sarcasm), I can’t have had a legitimate experience of being biracial.
Lately, my reading and therapy and reflection on my life have led me to a deeper understanding of how my parents’ interracial marriage made a profound difference in my life — my lack of relationship with cousins, our insular nature as a family, etc.
I grew up in a family where my grandmother refused to allow my dad in her house (the house I now live in) because she was sure he’d steal things.
I grew up in a family where my dad’s favorite expression for intense pain was, “This hurts enough to kill a white man.”
How could you hear things like this all your life and not be changed, charged, roiled up inside over race and identity? I do not know.
I do know that some folks will say it shouldn’t matter, and that some folks will say it doesn’t matter, and others will say I’m too invested in the issue.
I suspect they will be, for the most part, white. Sorry, but there it is. Maybe I’m bitter, crazy (see above), but there it is. It needed saying.
And there are struggles with balancing school, work, and poetry, all of which I’ve covered in depth here and elsewhere.
I’m in it up to my eyeballs.
I know I’ve seemed curmudgeonly, or cranky, or just plain ornery lately. But I’m tired of not being up front about the things I’m feeling.
I have always been the diplomatic one in my family, my workplace, and even among friends. I am tired of the job. I’m sorting out the next phase.
I am sorry if the sorting out is rough on you.
Dark Matter 
March 8th, 2005 at 2:22 am
niether here nor there
multi racial….
I realized when I was about 8, that all thier prejudices, all thier religus diffrances, all their classisims, all bullshit.
And I started absorbing all of them in. And rejecting the parts of them that was tainted by hatred. Hatred they could not see.
I listened to the wise ones, and let the other ones fall away.
There is a movie… a book before, KIM. Kipling. Kim is have English half Indian… when asked which he is… he says he is Kim.
I saw that when i was young too. I learned to be me. And that was the sum of all my parts, to respect them all, diffrently… not mix them like some sort of ugly green brown that comes from mixing all the colours when you are painting, But septrate.
I learned to walk in diffrent worlds. And people see me as diffrent things depending where I stand.
And in return, i have the ablity to understand many many diffrent peoples and cultures.
But the hardest thing I have is those who say “pick one, you can;t be all”.
Fuck them!
I am Kim! Both English and Indian. nothing more nothing less.
Being mixed gives you an understanding that others don;t have. But it shows you from a young age… all the shit humanity throws at each other.
Peace!
isis
March 8th, 2005 at 2:22 am
niether here nor there
multi racial….
I realized when I was about 8, that all thier prejudices, all thier religus diffrances, all their classisims, all bullshit.
And I started absorbing all of them in. And rejecting the parts of them that was tainted by hatred. Hatred they could not see.
I listened to the wise ones, and let the other ones fall away.
There is a movie… a book before, KIM. Kipling. Kim is have English half Indian… when asked which he is… he says he is Kim.
I saw that when i was young too. I learned to be me. And that was the sum of all my parts, to respect them all, diffrently… not mix them like some sort of ugly green brown that comes from mixing all the colours when you are painting, But septrate.
I learned to walk in diffrent worlds. And people see me as diffrent things depending where I stand.
And in return, i have the ablity to understand many many diffrent peoples and cultures.
But the hardest thing I have is those who say “pick one, you can;t be all”.
Fuck them!
I am Kim! Both English and Indian. nothing more nothing less.
Being mixed gives you an understanding that others don;t have. But it shows you from a young age… all the shit humanity throws at each other.
Peace!
isis
March 8th, 2005 at 2:22 am
niether here nor there
multi racial….
I realized when I was about 8, that all thier prejudices, all thier religus diffrances, all their classisims, all bullshit.
And I started absorbing all of them in. And rejecting the parts of them that was tainted by hatred. Hatred they could not see.
I listened to the wise ones, and let the other ones fall away.
There is a movie… a book before, KIM. Kipling. Kim is have English half Indian… when asked which he is… he says he is Kim.
I saw that when i was young too. I learned to be me. And that was the sum of all my parts, to respect them all, diffrently… not mix them like some sort of ugly green brown that comes from mixing all the colours when you are painting, But septrate.
I learned to walk in diffrent worlds. And people see me as diffrent things depending where I stand.
And in return, i have the ablity to understand many many diffrent peoples and cultures.
But the hardest thing I have is those who say “pick one, you can;t be all”.
Fuck them!
I am Kim! Both English and Indian. nothing more nothing less.
Being mixed gives you an understanding that others don;t have. But it shows you from a young age… all the shit humanity throws at each other.
Peace!
isis
March 8th, 2005 at 2:22 am
niether here nor there
multi racial….
I realized when I was about 8, that all thier prejudices, all thier religus diffrances, all their classisims, all bullshit.
And I started absorbing all of them in. And rejecting the parts of them that was tainted by hatred. Hatred they could not see.
I listened to the wise ones, and let the other ones fall away.
There is a movie… a book before, KIM. Kipling. Kim is have English half Indian… when asked which he is… he says he is Kim.
I saw that when i was young too. I learned to be me. And that was the sum of all my parts, to respect them all, diffrently… not mix them like some sort of ugly green brown that comes from mixing all the colours when you are painting, But septrate.
I learned to walk in diffrent worlds. And people see me as diffrent things depending where I stand.
And in return, i have the ablity to understand many many diffrent peoples and cultures.
But the hardest thing I have is those who say “pick one, you can;t be all”.
Fuck them!
I am Kim! Both English and Indian. nothing more nothing less.
Being mixed gives you an understanding that others don;t have. But it shows you from a young age… all the shit humanity throws at each other.
Peace!
isis
March 8th, 2005 at 2:22 am
niether here nor there
multi racial….
I realized when I was about 8, that all thier prejudices, all thier religus diffrances, all their classisims, all bullshit.
And I started absorbing all of them in. And rejecting the parts of them that was tainted by hatred. Hatred they could not see.
I listened to the wise ones, and let the other ones fall away.
There is a movie… a book before, KIM. Kipling. Kim is have English half Indian… when asked which he is… he says he is Kim.
I saw that when i was young too. I learned to be me. And that was the sum of all my parts, to respect them all, diffrently… not mix them like some sort of ugly green brown that comes from mixing all the colours when you are painting, But septrate.
I learned to walk in diffrent worlds. And people see me as diffrent things depending where I stand.
And in return, i have the ablity to understand many many diffrent peoples and cultures.
But the hardest thing I have is those who say “pick one, you can;t be all”.
Fuck them!
I am Kim! Both English and Indian. nothing more nothing less.
Being mixed gives you an understanding that others don;t have. But it shows you from a young age… all the shit humanity throws at each other.
Peace!
isis
March 8th, 2005 at 2:22 am
niether here nor there
multi racial….
I realized when I was about 8, that all thier prejudices, all thier religus diffrances, all their classisims, all bullshit.
And I started absorbing all of them in. And rejecting the parts of them that was tainted by hatred. Hatred they could not see.
I listened to the wise ones, and let the other ones fall away.
There is a movie… a book before, KIM. Kipling. Kim is have English half Indian… when asked which he is… he says he is Kim.
I saw that when i was young too. I learned to be me. And that was the sum of all my parts, to respect them all, diffrently… not mix them like some sort of ugly green brown that comes from mixing all the colours when you are painting, But septrate.
I learned to walk in diffrent worlds. And people see me as diffrent things depending where I stand.
And in return, i have the ablity to understand many many diffrent peoples and cultures.
But the hardest thing I have is those who say “pick one, you can;t be all”.
Fuck them!
I am Kim! Both English and Indian. nothing more nothing less.
Being mixed gives you an understanding that others don;t have. But it shows you from a young age… all the shit humanity throws at each other.
Peace!
isis
March 7th, 2005 at 10:16 pm
Re: It definitely matters.
I’ve heard of it. I’ll check for a copy in the store tomorrow.
March 7th, 2005 at 10:16 pm
Re: It definitely matters.
I’ve heard of it. I’ll check for a copy in the store tomorrow.
March 7th, 2005 at 10:16 pm
Re: It definitely matters.
I’ve heard of it. I’ll check for a copy in the store tomorrow.
March 7th, 2005 at 10:16 pm
Re: It definitely matters.
I’ve heard of it. I’ll check for a copy in the store tomorrow.
March 7th, 2005 at 10:16 pm
Re: It definitely matters.
I’ve heard of it. I’ll check for a copy in the store tomorrow.
March 7th, 2005 at 10:16 pm
Re: It definitely matters.
I’ve heard of it. I’ll check for a copy in the store tomorrow.
March 7th, 2005 at 10:09 pm
Re: It definitely matters.
Thanks, Laura. I suspected you’d understand this.
Have you read “Half and Half?” Great book of essays by a whole bunch of biracial/bicultural writers, some of whom defy any sort of classifications at all.
March 7th, 2005 at 10:09 pm
Re: It definitely matters.
Thanks, Laura. I suspected you’d understand this.
Have you read “Half and Half?” Great book of essays by a whole bunch of biracial/bicultural writers, some of whom defy any sort of classifications at all.
March 7th, 2005 at 10:09 pm
Re: It definitely matters.
Thanks, Laura. I suspected you’d understand this.
Have you read “Half and Half?” Great book of essays by a whole bunch of biracial/bicultural writers, some of whom defy any sort of classifications at all.
March 7th, 2005 at 10:09 pm
Re: It definitely matters.
Thanks, Laura. I suspected you’d understand this.
Have you read “Half and Half?” Great book of essays by a whole bunch of biracial/bicultural writers, some of whom defy any sort of classifications at all.
March 7th, 2005 at 10:09 pm
Re: It definitely matters.
Thanks, Laura. I suspected you’d understand this.
Have you read “Half and Half?” Great book of essays by a whole bunch of biracial/bicultural writers, some of whom defy any sort of classifications at all.
March 7th, 2005 at 10:09 pm
Re: It definitely matters.
Thanks, Laura. I suspected you’d understand this.
Have you read “Half and Half?” Great book of essays by a whole bunch of biracial/bicultural writers, some of whom defy any sort of classifications at all.
March 7th, 2005 at 10:05 pm
It definitely matters.
Whether or not it should is irrelevant.
I’m mixed, too. I have this level of racial insanity that most folks don’t have to deal with. Split consciousness, self-hatred, all the lovely side effects that surface from time to time. They’re a part of it. They’re not your fault or mine; they exist by virtue of the fact that we live in a society where people hate each other. Lucky we, to be the haters and the hated all in one go.
The union of your parents and mine is a triumph is some respects, but our experiences are also fundamentally broken from theirs. Whatever discrimination they face on their own, or while walking down the street together, they still have some kind of security of self: they can state, definitively, that they are something. We don’t have that.
I read a great book on race in my younger teen years called Caucasia. In it, the author uses the metaphor of a canary in a coal mine to explain the role we play in the problem of race in this country: by ascertaining a mixed population’s well-being, an observer can get a clear sense of the state of racial relations in this country. You’re definitely not alone in this one, Tony.
March 7th, 2005 at 10:05 pm
It definitely matters.
Whether or not it should is irrelevant.
I’m mixed, too. I have this level of racial insanity that most folks don’t have to deal with. Split consciousness, self-hatred, all the lovely side effects that surface from time to time. They’re a part of it. They’re not your fault or mine; they exist by virtue of the fact that we live in a society where people hate each other. Lucky we, to be the haters and the hated all in one go.
The union of your parents and mine is a triumph is some respects, but our experiences are also fundamentally broken from theirs. Whatever discrimination they face on their own, or while walking down the street together, they still have some kind of security of self: they can state, definitively, that they are something. We don’t have that.
I read a great book on race in my younger teen years called Caucasia. In it, the author uses the metaphor of a canary in a coal mine to explain the role we play in the problem of race in this country: by ascertaining a mixed population’s well-being, an observer can get a clear sense of the state of racial relations in this country. You’re definitely not alone in this one, Tony.
March 7th, 2005 at 10:05 pm
It definitely matters.
Whether or not it should is irrelevant.
I’m mixed, too. I have this level of racial insanity that most folks don’t have to deal with. Split consciousness, self-hatred, all the lovely side effects that surface from time to time. They’re a part of it. They’re not your fault or mine; they exist by virtue of the fact that we live in a society where people hate each other. Lucky we, to be the haters and the hated all in one go.
The union of your parents and mine is a triumph is some respects, but our experiences are also fundamentally broken from theirs. Whatever discrimination they face on their own, or while walking down the street together, they still have some kind of security of self: they can state, definitively, that they are something. We don’t have that.
I read a great book on race in my younger teen years called Caucasia. In it, the author uses the metaphor of a canary in a coal mine to explain the role we play in the problem of race in this country: by ascertaining a mixed population’s well-being, an observer can get a clear sense of the state of racial relations in this country. You’re definitely not alone in this one, Tony.
March 7th, 2005 at 10:05 pm
It definitely matters.
Whether or not it should is irrelevant.
I’m mixed, too. I have this level of racial insanity that most folks don’t have to deal with. Split consciousness, self-hatred, all the lovely side effects that surface from time to time. They’re a part of it. They’re not your fault or mine; they exist by virtue of the fact that we live in a society where people hate each other. Lucky we, to be the haters and the hated all in one go.
The union of your parents and mine is a triumph is some respects, but our experiences are also fundamentally broken from theirs. Whatever discrimination they face on their own, or while walking down the street together, they still have some kind of security of self: they can state, definitively, that they are something. We don’t have that.
I read a great book on race in my younger teen years called Caucasia. In it, the author uses the metaphor of a canary in a coal mine to explain the role we play in the problem of race in this country: by ascertaining a mixed population’s well-being, an observer can get a clear sense of the state of racial relations in this country. You’re definitely not alone in this one, Tony.
March 7th, 2005 at 10:05 pm
It definitely matters.
Whether or not it should is irrelevant.
I’m mixed, too. I have this level of racial insanity that most folks don’t have to deal with. Split consciousness, self-hatred, all the lovely side effects that surface from time to time. They’re a part of it. They’re not your fault or mine; they exist by virtue of the fact that we live in a society where people hate each other. Lucky we, to be the haters and the hated all in one go.
The union of your parents and mine is a triumph is some respects, but our experiences are also fundamentally broken from theirs. Whatever discrimination they face on their own, or while walking down the street together, they still have some kind of security of self: they can state, definitively, that they are something. We don’t have that.
I read a great book on race in my younger teen years called Caucasia. In it, the author uses the metaphor of a canary in a coal mine to explain the role we play in the problem of race in this country: by ascertaining a mixed population’s well-being, an observer can get a clear sense of the state of racial relations in this country. You’re definitely not alone in this one, Tony.
March 7th, 2005 at 10:05 pm
It definitely matters.
Whether or not it should is irrelevant.
I’m mixed, too. I have this level of racial insanity that most folks don’t have to deal with. Split consciousness, self-hatred, all the lovely side effects that surface from time to time. They’re a part of it. They’re not your fault or mine; they exist by virtue of the fact that we live in a society where people hate each other. Lucky we, to be the haters and the hated all in one go.
The union of your parents and mine is a triumph is some respects, but our experiences are also fundamentally broken from theirs. Whatever discrimination they face on their own, or while walking down the street together, they still have some kind of security of self: they can state, definitively, that they are something. We don’t have that.
I read a great book on race in my younger teen years called Caucasia. In it, the author uses the metaphor of a canary in a coal mine to explain the role we play in the problem of race in this country: by ascertaining a mixed population’s well-being, an observer can get a clear sense of the state of racial relations in this country. You’re definitely not alone in this one, Tony.
March 7th, 2005 at 6:58 pm
I like it rough.
Post away.
March 7th, 2005 at 6:58 pm
I like it rough.
Post away.
March 7th, 2005 at 6:58 pm
I like it rough.
Post away.
March 7th, 2005 at 6:58 pm
I like it rough.
Post away.
March 7th, 2005 at 6:58 pm
I like it rough.
Post away.
March 7th, 2005 at 6:58 pm
I like it rough.
Post away.
March 7th, 2005 at 5:37 pm
Re: biracial identity
I don’t worry AT ALL about how people perceive me.
I simply own the parts of situations I am responsible for.
This wasn’t an apology as much as it was a warning.
March 7th, 2005 at 5:37 pm
Re: biracial identity
I don’t worry AT ALL about how people perceive me.
I simply own the parts of situations I am responsible for.
This wasn’t an apology as much as it was a warning.
March 7th, 2005 at 5:37 pm
Re: biracial identity
I don’t worry AT ALL about how people perceive me.
I simply own the parts of situations I am responsible for.
This wasn’t an apology as much as it was a warning.
March 7th, 2005 at 5:37 pm
Re: biracial identity
I don’t worry AT ALL about how people perceive me.
I simply own the parts of situations I am responsible for.
This wasn’t an apology as much as it was a warning.
March 7th, 2005 at 5:37 pm
Re: biracial identity
I don’t worry AT ALL about how people perceive me.
I simply own the parts of situations I am responsible for.
This wasn’t an apology as much as it was a warning.
March 7th, 2005 at 5:37 pm
Re: biracial identity
I don’t worry AT ALL about how people perceive me.
I simply own the parts of situations I am responsible for.
This wasn’t an apology as much as it was a warning.
March 7th, 2005 at 5:33 pm
Re: biracial identity
My take on this is: if it affects you (which it clearly does) no one – and I mean no one has the right to belittle that. You shouldn’t feel that you have no right to discuss your feelings because (a) not everyone (or no one?) in your circle of friends has experienced what you have experience or (b) you don’t feel as if your experience is credible (what is that? come on). You have the right to think, feel, talk about, write about whatever is affecting you. And if you’re not getting a response that you feel is appropriate, maybe that says a lot more about your audience than about you.
I wish you wouldn’t worry so much about how other people perceive you. 😦
March 7th, 2005 at 5:33 pm
Re: biracial identity
My take on this is: if it affects you (which it clearly does) no one – and I mean no one has the right to belittle that. You shouldn’t feel that you have no right to discuss your feelings because (a) not everyone (or no one?) in your circle of friends has experienced what you have experience or (b) you don’t feel as if your experience is credible (what is that? come on). You have the right to think, feel, talk about, write about whatever is affecting you. And if you’re not getting a response that you feel is appropriate, maybe that says a lot more about your audience than about you.
I wish you wouldn’t worry so much about how other people perceive you. 😦
March 7th, 2005 at 5:33 pm
Re: biracial identity
My take on this is: if it affects you (which it clearly does) no one – and I mean no one has the right to belittle that. You shouldn’t feel that you have no right to discuss your feelings because (a) not everyone (or no one?) in your circle of friends has experienced what you have experience or (b) you don’t feel as if your experience is credible (what is that? come on). You have the right to think, feel, talk about, write about whatever is affecting you. And if you’re not getting a response that you feel is appropriate, maybe that says a lot more about your audience than about you.
I wish you wouldn’t worry so much about how other people perceive you. 😦
March 7th, 2005 at 5:33 pm
Re: biracial identity
My take on this is: if it affects you (which it clearly does) no one – and I mean no one has the right to belittle that. You shouldn’t feel that you have no right to discuss your feelings because (a) not everyone (or no one?) in your circle of friends has experienced what you have experience or (b) you don’t feel as if your experience is credible (what is that? come on). You have the right to think, feel, talk about, write about whatever is affecting you. And if you’re not getting a response that you feel is appropriate, maybe that says a lot more about your audience than about you.
I wish you wouldn’t worry so much about how other people perceive you. 😦
March 7th, 2005 at 5:33 pm
Re: biracial identity
My take on this is: if it affects you (which it clearly does) no one – and I mean no one has the right to belittle that. You shouldn’t feel that you have no right to discuss your feelings because (a) not everyone (or no one?) in your circle of friends has experienced what you have experience or (b) you don’t feel as if your experience is credible (what is that? come on). You have the right to think, feel, talk about, write about whatever is affecting you. And if you’re not getting a response that you feel is appropriate, maybe that says a lot more about your audience than about you.
I wish you wouldn’t worry so much about how other people perceive you. 😦
March 7th, 2005 at 5:33 pm
Re: biracial identity
My take on this is: if it affects you (which it clearly does) no one – and I mean no one has the right to belittle that. You shouldn’t feel that you have no right to discuss your feelings because (a) not everyone (or no one?) in your circle of friends has experienced what you have experience or (b) you don’t feel as if your experience is credible (what is that? come on). You have the right to think, feel, talk about, write about whatever is affecting you. And if you’re not getting a response that you feel is appropriate, maybe that says a lot more about your audience than about you.
I wish you wouldn’t worry so much about how other people perceive you. 😦