anymore, anyway.
Lately, some folks have found me a little tough to take — being in a blood mood has made me unpopular, and somewhat suspect, to some folks. I want to explain that a bit.
I don’t talk about this a lot, but I used to be a lot more violent than I am now.
Been in my share of schoolyard and barroom fights, was actually a bit of a bully in my one year of prep school (easy to do as I was a townie day student, and we had it ALL over the preps in terms of cred), and (when I was selling dope) familiar with all sorts of concealable weapons. Most folks who know me know that I typically carry at least one knife to this day; a habit I can’t seem to break without feeling totally vulnerable. (My doctor calls it hypervigilance, if that helps.)
In my early twenties, I worked a part time job as concert security at a couple of large local venues at least in part because it gave me a license to hit people. While doing that job at a Motley Crue concert, I got into a fight with a 15 year old kid and won (of course — I outweighed him by 100 lbs or so and beat the snot out of him) and promptly got sick to my stomach because I realized how much I enjoyed it.
Spectaguard, the agency who ran security, covered up the incident as they always did — these were the same guys whose guard killed a kid at a Dead concert in the Meadowlands, and that was never resolved, as far as I know.
All this was going on precisely while I was involved with groups like Amnesty International, CISPES, and the Green Party charter drive in MA. Such a paradox: all that non violence, all that peace, all that understanding in the face of calculated injustice. Maybe it fed my rage; I’m not sure.
Anyway: it was that incident that made me first go into therapy; first got me started on a course of understanding myself enough to try and ease that rage that I never even knew I had.
I’m not like I used to be; but sometimes, the rage gives me a tinge of red when I’m pressed.
This week has pressed me a lot. And I know I’ve come out swinging.
I don’t know that it won’t happen again; I’m not yet even sure there’s not a place for it in the resistance. (Just being honest here.)
But I do apologize for the tinge so far.
Dark Matter 
November 8th, 2004 at 8:28 am
thanks, tony
really.
your sharing this helps me feel better about sharing my own darkness.
this weekend, while moving, M was playing DJ in the car, through her tears about moving. on one of the mix cd’s i made for her (i think i made it for her… either that, or for myself), and a song came on i was really surprised to hear, johnny cash and bonny prince billy singing ‘i see a darkness’. and i remembered that i’ve become a bit of a stranger to my darkness, or i realized that. and that being a stranger is not a good thing.
November 8th, 2004 at 8:28 am
thanks, tony
really.
your sharing this helps me feel better about sharing my own darkness.
this weekend, while moving, M was playing DJ in the car, through her tears about moving. on one of the mix cd’s i made for her (i think i made it for her… either that, or for myself), and a song came on i was really surprised to hear, johnny cash and bonny prince billy singing ‘i see a darkness’. and i remembered that i’ve become a bit of a stranger to my darkness, or i realized that. and that being a stranger is not a good thing.
November 8th, 2004 at 8:28 am
thanks, tony
really.
your sharing this helps me feel better about sharing my own darkness.
this weekend, while moving, M was playing DJ in the car, through her tears about moving. on one of the mix cd’s i made for her (i think i made it for her… either that, or for myself), and a song came on i was really surprised to hear, johnny cash and bonny prince billy singing ‘i see a darkness’. and i remembered that i’ve become a bit of a stranger to my darkness, or i realized that. and that being a stranger is not a good thing.
November 8th, 2004 at 8:28 am
thanks, tony
really.
your sharing this helps me feel better about sharing my own darkness.
this weekend, while moving, M was playing DJ in the car, through her tears about moving. on one of the mix cd’s i made for her (i think i made it for her… either that, or for myself), and a song came on i was really surprised to hear, johnny cash and bonny prince billy singing ‘i see a darkness’. and i remembered that i’ve become a bit of a stranger to my darkness, or i realized that. and that being a stranger is not a good thing.
November 8th, 2004 at 8:28 am
thanks, tony
really.
your sharing this helps me feel better about sharing my own darkness.
this weekend, while moving, M was playing DJ in the car, through her tears about moving. on one of the mix cd’s i made for her (i think i made it for her… either that, or for myself), and a song came on i was really surprised to hear, johnny cash and bonny prince billy singing ‘i see a darkness’. and i remembered that i’ve become a bit of a stranger to my darkness, or i realized that. and that being a stranger is not a good thing.
November 8th, 2004 at 8:28 am
thanks, tony
really.
your sharing this helps me feel better about sharing my own darkness.
this weekend, while moving, M was playing DJ in the car, through her tears about moving. on one of the mix cd’s i made for her (i think i made it for her… either that, or for myself), and a song came on i was really surprised to hear, johnny cash and bonny prince billy singing ‘i see a darkness’. and i remembered that i’ve become a bit of a stranger to my darkness, or i realized that. and that being a stranger is not a good thing.
November 8th, 2004 at 8:28 am
thanks, tony
really.
your sharing this helps me feel better about sharing my own darkness.
this weekend, while moving, M was playing DJ in the car, through her tears about moving. on one of the mix cd’s i made for her (i think i made it for her… either that, or for myself), and a song came on i was really surprised to hear, johnny cash and bonny prince billy singing ‘i see a darkness’. and i remembered that i’ve become a bit of a stranger to my darkness, or i realized that. and that being a stranger is not a good thing.
November 8th, 2004 at 8:28 am
thanks, tony
really.
your sharing this helps me feel better about sharing my own darkness.
this weekend, while moving, M was playing DJ in the car, through her tears about moving. on one of the mix cd’s i made for her (i think i made it for her… either that, or for myself), and a song came on i was really surprised to hear, johnny cash and bonny prince billy singing ‘i see a darkness’. and i remembered that i’ve become a bit of a stranger to my darkness, or i realized that. and that being a stranger is not a good thing.
November 8th, 2004 at 7:00 am
This will come off sounding flippant, but it isn’t. All people have a dark side and the struggle to come to grips with it is what makes them great. By come to grips I mean live with it and deal with it, not sock it away in a corner and try to pretend it isn’t there.
November 8th, 2004 at 7:00 am
This will come off sounding flippant, but it isn’t. All people have a dark side and the struggle to come to grips with it is what makes them great. By come to grips I mean live with it and deal with it, not sock it away in a corner and try to pretend it isn’t there.
November 8th, 2004 at 7:00 am
This will come off sounding flippant, but it isn’t. All people have a dark side and the struggle to come to grips with it is what makes them great. By come to grips I mean live with it and deal with it, not sock it away in a corner and try to pretend it isn’t there.
November 8th, 2004 at 7:00 am
This will come off sounding flippant, but it isn’t. All people have a dark side and the struggle to come to grips with it is what makes them great. By come to grips I mean live with it and deal with it, not sock it away in a corner and try to pretend it isn’t there.
November 8th, 2004 at 7:00 am
This will come off sounding flippant, but it isn’t. All people have a dark side and the struggle to come to grips with it is what makes them great. By come to grips I mean live with it and deal with it, not sock it away in a corner and try to pretend it isn’t there.
November 8th, 2004 at 7:00 am
This will come off sounding flippant, but it isn’t. All people have a dark side and the struggle to come to grips with it is what makes them great. By come to grips I mean live with it and deal with it, not sock it away in a corner and try to pretend it isn’t there.
November 8th, 2004 at 7:00 am
This will come off sounding flippant, but it isn’t. All people have a dark side and the struggle to come to grips with it is what makes them great. By come to grips I mean live with it and deal with it, not sock it away in a corner and try to pretend it isn’t there.
November 8th, 2004 at 7:00 am
This will come off sounding flippant, but it isn’t. All people have a dark side and the struggle to come to grips with it is what makes them great. By come to grips I mean live with it and deal with it, not sock it away in a corner and try to pretend it isn’t there.
November 8th, 2004 at 6:54 am
so i gather, but
you’re either strong enough or wise enough to keep ’em in check, and that’s no small thing.
November 8th, 2004 at 6:54 am
so i gather, but
you’re either strong enough or wise enough to keep ’em in check, and that’s no small thing.
November 8th, 2004 at 6:54 am
so i gather, but
you’re either strong enough or wise enough to keep ’em in check, and that’s no small thing.
November 8th, 2004 at 6:54 am
so i gather, but
you’re either strong enough or wise enough to keep ’em in check, and that’s no small thing.
November 8th, 2004 at 6:54 am
so i gather, but
you’re either strong enough or wise enough to keep ’em in check, and that’s no small thing.
November 8th, 2004 at 6:54 am
so i gather, but
you’re either strong enough or wise enough to keep ’em in check, and that’s no small thing.
November 8th, 2004 at 6:54 am
so i gather, but
you’re either strong enough or wise enough to keep ’em in check, and that’s no small thing.
November 8th, 2004 at 6:54 am
so i gather, but
you’re either strong enough or wise enough to keep ’em in check, and that’s no small thing.
November 8th, 2004 at 6:50 am
They come close, from time to time.
November 8th, 2004 at 6:50 am
They come close, from time to time.
November 8th, 2004 at 6:50 am
They come close, from time to time.
November 8th, 2004 at 6:50 am
They come close, from time to time.
November 8th, 2004 at 6:50 am
They come close, from time to time.
November 8th, 2004 at 6:50 am
They come close, from time to time.
November 8th, 2004 at 6:50 am
They come close, from time to time.
November 8th, 2004 at 6:50 am
They come close, from time to time.
November 8th, 2004 at 6:43 am
it’s smart and good to shine that light into the shadows from time to time, given that demons thrive in darkness. this way you keep ’em from getting strong enough to take over the joint…
November 8th, 2004 at 6:43 am
it’s smart and good to shine that light into the shadows from time to time, given that demons thrive in darkness. this way you keep ’em from getting strong enough to take over the joint…
November 8th, 2004 at 6:43 am
it’s smart and good to shine that light into the shadows from time to time, given that demons thrive in darkness. this way you keep ’em from getting strong enough to take over the joint…
November 8th, 2004 at 6:43 am
it’s smart and good to shine that light into the shadows from time to time, given that demons thrive in darkness. this way you keep ’em from getting strong enough to take over the joint…
November 8th, 2004 at 6:43 am
it’s smart and good to shine that light into the shadows from time to time, given that demons thrive in darkness. this way you keep ’em from getting strong enough to take over the joint…
November 8th, 2004 at 6:43 am
it’s smart and good to shine that light into the shadows from time to time, given that demons thrive in darkness. this way you keep ’em from getting strong enough to take over the joint…
November 8th, 2004 at 6:43 am
it’s smart and good to shine that light into the shadows from time to time, given that demons thrive in darkness. this way you keep ’em from getting strong enough to take over the joint…
November 8th, 2004 at 6:43 am
it’s smart and good to shine that light into the shadows from time to time, given that demons thrive in darkness. this way you keep ’em from getting strong enough to take over the joint…
November 7th, 2004 at 8:43 pm
HAha! You seriously almost made eggnog spray out of my nose! 🙂
November 7th, 2004 at 8:43 pm
HAha! You seriously almost made eggnog spray out of my nose! 🙂
November 7th, 2004 at 8:43 pm
HAha! You seriously almost made eggnog spray out of my nose! 🙂
November 7th, 2004 at 8:43 pm
HAha! You seriously almost made eggnog spray out of my nose! 🙂
November 7th, 2004 at 8:43 pm
HAha! You seriously almost made eggnog spray out of my nose! 🙂
November 7th, 2004 at 8:43 pm
HAha! You seriously almost made eggnog spray out of my nose! 🙂
November 7th, 2004 at 8:43 pm
HAha! You seriously almost made eggnog spray out of my nose! 🙂
November 7th, 2004 at 8:43 pm
HAha! You seriously almost made eggnog spray out of my nose! 🙂
November 7th, 2004 at 8:40 pm
I thank you, and Dan Rather thanks you.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:40 pm
I thank you, and Dan Rather thanks you.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:40 pm
I thank you, and Dan Rather thanks you.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:40 pm
I thank you, and Dan Rather thanks you.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:40 pm
I thank you, and Dan Rather thanks you.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:40 pm
I thank you, and Dan Rather thanks you.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:40 pm
I thank you, and Dan Rather thanks you.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:40 pm
I thank you, and Dan Rather thanks you.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:36 pm
Thanks for this post. Obviously, I don’t know you that well, but we did once have a slight tiff in this forum, and even then I didn’t think badly of you. I have noticed this “dark side” to you, but you don’t strike me a violent person, you strike me as rather a jaded person, which is typical of all of us from time to time, and I’m sure the recent election didn’t do anything to curb those feelings. I always appreciate and admire your posts because a lot of people tend to glorify the positive aspects of their lives here and ignore the negative ones, which seems rather counter-productive. Now I must stop because I have used the word “rather” rather one too many times.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:36 pm
Thanks for this post. Obviously, I don’t know you that well, but we did once have a slight tiff in this forum, and even then I didn’t think badly of you. I have noticed this “dark side” to you, but you don’t strike me a violent person, you strike me as rather a jaded person, which is typical of all of us from time to time, and I’m sure the recent election didn’t do anything to curb those feelings. I always appreciate and admire your posts because a lot of people tend to glorify the positive aspects of their lives here and ignore the negative ones, which seems rather counter-productive. Now I must stop because I have used the word “rather” rather one too many times.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:36 pm
Thanks for this post. Obviously, I don’t know you that well, but we did once have a slight tiff in this forum, and even then I didn’t think badly of you. I have noticed this “dark side” to you, but you don’t strike me a violent person, you strike me as rather a jaded person, which is typical of all of us from time to time, and I’m sure the recent election didn’t do anything to curb those feelings. I always appreciate and admire your posts because a lot of people tend to glorify the positive aspects of their lives here and ignore the negative ones, which seems rather counter-productive. Now I must stop because I have used the word “rather” rather one too many times.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:36 pm
Thanks for this post. Obviously, I don’t know you that well, but we did once have a slight tiff in this forum, and even then I didn’t think badly of you. I have noticed this “dark side” to you, but you don’t strike me a violent person, you strike me as rather a jaded person, which is typical of all of us from time to time, and I’m sure the recent election didn’t do anything to curb those feelings. I always appreciate and admire your posts because a lot of people tend to glorify the positive aspects of their lives here and ignore the negative ones, which seems rather counter-productive. Now I must stop because I have used the word “rather” rather one too many times.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:36 pm
Thanks for this post. Obviously, I don’t know you that well, but we did once have a slight tiff in this forum, and even then I didn’t think badly of you. I have noticed this “dark side” to you, but you don’t strike me a violent person, you strike me as rather a jaded person, which is typical of all of us from time to time, and I’m sure the recent election didn’t do anything to curb those feelings. I always appreciate and admire your posts because a lot of people tend to glorify the positive aspects of their lives here and ignore the negative ones, which seems rather counter-productive. Now I must stop because I have used the word “rather” rather one too many times.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:36 pm
Thanks for this post. Obviously, I don’t know you that well, but we did once have a slight tiff in this forum, and even then I didn’t think badly of you. I have noticed this “dark side” to you, but you don’t strike me a violent person, you strike me as rather a jaded person, which is typical of all of us from time to time, and I’m sure the recent election didn’t do anything to curb those feelings. I always appreciate and admire your posts because a lot of people tend to glorify the positive aspects of their lives here and ignore the negative ones, which seems rather counter-productive. Now I must stop because I have used the word “rather” rather one too many times.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:36 pm
Thanks for this post. Obviously, I don’t know you that well, but we did once have a slight tiff in this forum, and even then I didn’t think badly of you. I have noticed this “dark side” to you, but you don’t strike me a violent person, you strike me as rather a jaded person, which is typical of all of us from time to time, and I’m sure the recent election didn’t do anything to curb those feelings. I always appreciate and admire your posts because a lot of people tend to glorify the positive aspects of their lives here and ignore the negative ones, which seems rather counter-productive. Now I must stop because I have used the word “rather” rather one too many times.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:36 pm
Thanks for this post. Obviously, I don’t know you that well, but we did once have a slight tiff in this forum, and even then I didn’t think badly of you. I have noticed this “dark side” to you, but you don’t strike me a violent person, you strike me as rather a jaded person, which is typical of all of us from time to time, and I’m sure the recent election didn’t do anything to curb those feelings. I always appreciate and admire your posts because a lot of people tend to glorify the positive aspects of their lives here and ignore the negative ones, which seems rather counter-productive. Now I must stop because I have used the word “rather” rather one too many times.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:26 pm
Re: um. alls i can say is, um, me too.
You sound like a typical mom to me, Rach.
On the other hand, maybe we shouldn’t hang out near each other when we’re like this…someone (else) might get hurt. 😉
November 7th, 2004 at 8:26 pm
Re: um. alls i can say is, um, me too.
You sound like a typical mom to me, Rach.
On the other hand, maybe we shouldn’t hang out near each other when we’re like this…someone (else) might get hurt. 😉
November 7th, 2004 at 8:26 pm
Re: um. alls i can say is, um, me too.
You sound like a typical mom to me, Rach.
On the other hand, maybe we shouldn’t hang out near each other when we’re like this…someone (else) might get hurt. 😉
November 7th, 2004 at 8:26 pm
Re: um. alls i can say is, um, me too.
You sound like a typical mom to me, Rach.
On the other hand, maybe we shouldn’t hang out near each other when we’re like this…someone (else) might get hurt. 😉
November 7th, 2004 at 8:26 pm
Re: um. alls i can say is, um, me too.
You sound like a typical mom to me, Rach.
On the other hand, maybe we shouldn’t hang out near each other when we’re like this…someone (else) might get hurt. 😉
November 7th, 2004 at 8:26 pm
Re: um. alls i can say is, um, me too.
You sound like a typical mom to me, Rach.
On the other hand, maybe we shouldn’t hang out near each other when we’re like this…someone (else) might get hurt. 😉
November 7th, 2004 at 8:26 pm
Re: um. alls i can say is, um, me too.
You sound like a typical mom to me, Rach.
On the other hand, maybe we shouldn’t hang out near each other when we’re like this…someone (else) might get hurt. 😉
November 7th, 2004 at 8:26 pm
Re: um. alls i can say is, um, me too.
You sound like a typical mom to me, Rach.
On the other hand, maybe we shouldn’t hang out near each other when we’re like this…someone (else) might get hurt. 😉
November 7th, 2004 at 8:19 pm
um. alls i can say is, um, me too.
which is why i get real hermit-like at times. there are moments when i know it is not safe for me to be near people.
thanks for sharing this, t. i thought i was the only one.
last week, some four-year old scratched Holden’s neck when he wouldn’t give her his toy (at the park.)i saw her do it, so i jumped up and scolded her. the mother of the child did nothing. and holden just looked at the little girl like “i’m sorry i upset you enough to hurt me.”
oh.
later i found three more of those scratches beneath the neckline of his shirt. they were deep and bleeding. i kept thinking how she must’ve waited when I wasn’t looking to do it again. it took George his entire 6’7 frame and 235 lbs. to stop me from going back to the park and breaking that child’s fingers. and i wanted to smash the mother. a lot. in the face. with my feet.
jesus, that’s bad to write. keep this post locked for good, ‘kay?
what i’ve always found interesting is that every fight i’ve ever been in has been in defense of a friend or family member. i’ve never fought back when it had something to do with me, personally.
i had to take a court-appointed anger management class several years ago, but that’s the extent of my “counselling.” to be honest, i don’t think there’s anything anyone can tell me. i know when i’m feeling irrationally violent, but i can’t stop myself. i’ll say really outlandish shit under my breath to george about somebody (like “I’ll punch that cunt in his fucking brain) then go on smiling, pushing the stroller.
i worry i’m going to morph into Serial Mom.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:19 pm
um. alls i can say is, um, me too.
which is why i get real hermit-like at times. there are moments when i know it is not safe for me to be near people.
thanks for sharing this, t. i thought i was the only one.
last week, some four-year old scratched Holden’s neck when he wouldn’t give her his toy (at the park.)i saw her do it, so i jumped up and scolded her. the mother of the child did nothing. and holden just looked at the little girl like “i’m sorry i upset you enough to hurt me.”
oh.
later i found three more of those scratches beneath the neckline of his shirt. they were deep and bleeding. i kept thinking how she must’ve waited when I wasn’t looking to do it again. it took George his entire 6’7 frame and 235 lbs. to stop me from going back to the park and breaking that child’s fingers. and i wanted to smash the mother. a lot. in the face. with my feet.
jesus, that’s bad to write. keep this post locked for good, ‘kay?
what i’ve always found interesting is that every fight i’ve ever been in has been in defense of a friend or family member. i’ve never fought back when it had something to do with me, personally.
i had to take a court-appointed anger management class several years ago, but that’s the extent of my “counselling.” to be honest, i don’t think there’s anything anyone can tell me. i know when i’m feeling irrationally violent, but i can’t stop myself. i’ll say really outlandish shit under my breath to george about somebody (like “I’ll punch that cunt in his fucking brain) then go on smiling, pushing the stroller.
i worry i’m going to morph into Serial Mom.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:19 pm
um. alls i can say is, um, me too.
which is why i get real hermit-like at times. there are moments when i know it is not safe for me to be near people.
thanks for sharing this, t. i thought i was the only one.
last week, some four-year old scratched Holden’s neck when he wouldn’t give her his toy (at the park.)i saw her do it, so i jumped up and scolded her. the mother of the child did nothing. and holden just looked at the little girl like “i’m sorry i upset you enough to hurt me.”
oh.
later i found three more of those scratches beneath the neckline of his shirt. they were deep and bleeding. i kept thinking how she must’ve waited when I wasn’t looking to do it again. it took George his entire 6’7 frame and 235 lbs. to stop me from going back to the park and breaking that child’s fingers. and i wanted to smash the mother. a lot. in the face. with my feet.
jesus, that’s bad to write. keep this post locked for good, ‘kay?
what i’ve always found interesting is that every fight i’ve ever been in has been in defense of a friend or family member. i’ve never fought back when it had something to do with me, personally.
i had to take a court-appointed anger management class several years ago, but that’s the extent of my “counselling.” to be honest, i don’t think there’s anything anyone can tell me. i know when i’m feeling irrationally violent, but i can’t stop myself. i’ll say really outlandish shit under my breath to george about somebody (like “I’ll punch that cunt in his fucking brain) then go on smiling, pushing the stroller.
i worry i’m going to morph into Serial Mom.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:19 pm
um. alls i can say is, um, me too.
which is why i get real hermit-like at times. there are moments when i know it is not safe for me to be near people.
thanks for sharing this, t. i thought i was the only one.
last week, some four-year old scratched Holden’s neck when he wouldn’t give her his toy (at the park.)i saw her do it, so i jumped up and scolded her. the mother of the child did nothing. and holden just looked at the little girl like “i’m sorry i upset you enough to hurt me.”
oh.
later i found three more of those scratches beneath the neckline of his shirt. they were deep and bleeding. i kept thinking how she must’ve waited when I wasn’t looking to do it again. it took George his entire 6’7 frame and 235 lbs. to stop me from going back to the park and breaking that child’s fingers. and i wanted to smash the mother. a lot. in the face. with my feet.
jesus, that’s bad to write. keep this post locked for good, ‘kay?
what i’ve always found interesting is that every fight i’ve ever been in has been in defense of a friend or family member. i’ve never fought back when it had something to do with me, personally.
i had to take a court-appointed anger management class several years ago, but that’s the extent of my “counselling.” to be honest, i don’t think there’s anything anyone can tell me. i know when i’m feeling irrationally violent, but i can’t stop myself. i’ll say really outlandish shit under my breath to george about somebody (like “I’ll punch that cunt in his fucking brain) then go on smiling, pushing the stroller.
i worry i’m going to morph into Serial Mom.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:19 pm
um. alls i can say is, um, me too.
which is why i get real hermit-like at times. there are moments when i know it is not safe for me to be near people.
thanks for sharing this, t. i thought i was the only one.
last week, some four-year old scratched Holden’s neck when he wouldn’t give her his toy (at the park.)i saw her do it, so i jumped up and scolded her. the mother of the child did nothing. and holden just looked at the little girl like “i’m sorry i upset you enough to hurt me.”
oh.
later i found three more of those scratches beneath the neckline of his shirt. they were deep and bleeding. i kept thinking how she must’ve waited when I wasn’t looking to do it again. it took George his entire 6’7 frame and 235 lbs. to stop me from going back to the park and breaking that child’s fingers. and i wanted to smash the mother. a lot. in the face. with my feet.
jesus, that’s bad to write. keep this post locked for good, ‘kay?
what i’ve always found interesting is that every fight i’ve ever been in has been in defense of a friend or family member. i’ve never fought back when it had something to do with me, personally.
i had to take a court-appointed anger management class several years ago, but that’s the extent of my “counselling.” to be honest, i don’t think there’s anything anyone can tell me. i know when i’m feeling irrationally violent, but i can’t stop myself. i’ll say really outlandish shit under my breath to george about somebody (like “I’ll punch that cunt in his fucking brain) then go on smiling, pushing the stroller.
i worry i’m going to morph into Serial Mom.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:19 pm
um. alls i can say is, um, me too.
which is why i get real hermit-like at times. there are moments when i know it is not safe for me to be near people.
thanks for sharing this, t. i thought i was the only one.
last week, some four-year old scratched Holden’s neck when he wouldn’t give her his toy (at the park.)i saw her do it, so i jumped up and scolded her. the mother of the child did nothing. and holden just looked at the little girl like “i’m sorry i upset you enough to hurt me.”
oh.
later i found three more of those scratches beneath the neckline of his shirt. they were deep and bleeding. i kept thinking how she must’ve waited when I wasn’t looking to do it again. it took George his entire 6’7 frame and 235 lbs. to stop me from going back to the park and breaking that child’s fingers. and i wanted to smash the mother. a lot. in the face. with my feet.
jesus, that’s bad to write. keep this post locked for good, ‘kay?
what i’ve always found interesting is that every fight i’ve ever been in has been in defense of a friend or family member. i’ve never fought back when it had something to do with me, personally.
i had to take a court-appointed anger management class several years ago, but that’s the extent of my “counselling.” to be honest, i don’t think there’s anything anyone can tell me. i know when i’m feeling irrationally violent, but i can’t stop myself. i’ll say really outlandish shit under my breath to george about somebody (like “I’ll punch that cunt in his fucking brain) then go on smiling, pushing the stroller.
i worry i’m going to morph into Serial Mom.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:19 pm
um. alls i can say is, um, me too.
which is why i get real hermit-like at times. there are moments when i know it is not safe for me to be near people.
thanks for sharing this, t. i thought i was the only one.
last week, some four-year old scratched Holden’s neck when he wouldn’t give her his toy (at the park.)i saw her do it, so i jumped up and scolded her. the mother of the child did nothing. and holden just looked at the little girl like “i’m sorry i upset you enough to hurt me.”
oh.
later i found three more of those scratches beneath the neckline of his shirt. they were deep and bleeding. i kept thinking how she must’ve waited when I wasn’t looking to do it again. it took George his entire 6’7 frame and 235 lbs. to stop me from going back to the park and breaking that child’s fingers. and i wanted to smash the mother. a lot. in the face. with my feet.
jesus, that’s bad to write. keep this post locked for good, ‘kay?
what i’ve always found interesting is that every fight i’ve ever been in has been in defense of a friend or family member. i’ve never fought back when it had something to do with me, personally.
i had to take a court-appointed anger management class several years ago, but that’s the extent of my “counselling.” to be honest, i don’t think there’s anything anyone can tell me. i know when i’m feeling irrationally violent, but i can’t stop myself. i’ll say really outlandish shit under my breath to george about somebody (like “I’ll punch that cunt in his fucking brain) then go on smiling, pushing the stroller.
i worry i’m going to morph into Serial Mom.
November 7th, 2004 at 8:19 pm
um. alls i can say is, um, me too.
which is why i get real hermit-like at times. there are moments when i know it is not safe for me to be near people.
thanks for sharing this, t. i thought i was the only one.
last week, some four-year old scratched Holden’s neck when he wouldn’t give her his toy (at the park.)i saw her do it, so i jumped up and scolded her. the mother of the child did nothing. and holden just looked at the little girl like “i’m sorry i upset you enough to hurt me.”
oh.
later i found three more of those scratches beneath the neckline of his shirt. they were deep and bleeding. i kept thinking how she must’ve waited when I wasn’t looking to do it again. it took George his entire 6’7 frame and 235 lbs. to stop me from going back to the park and breaking that child’s fingers. and i wanted to smash the mother. a lot. in the face. with my feet.
jesus, that’s bad to write. keep this post locked for good, ‘kay?
what i’ve always found interesting is that every fight i’ve ever been in has been in defense of a friend or family member. i’ve never fought back when it had something to do with me, personally.
i had to take a court-appointed anger management class several years ago, but that’s the extent of my “counselling.” to be honest, i don’t think there’s anything anyone can tell me. i know when i’m feeling irrationally violent, but i can’t stop myself. i’ll say really outlandish shit under my breath to george about somebody (like “I’ll punch that cunt in his fucking brain) then go on smiling, pushing the stroller.
i worry i’m going to morph into Serial Mom.