Some of you know I had a meltdown earlier today that was…well, extreme. And frankly, more extreme than I allowed my self to believe.
Your concerns for my safety were both appreciated and well founded, I am embarrassed to say.
I will promise you all that I will seek immediate and direct in person help if it gets that bad again.
While it’s no secret that I’ve been fighting depression for years, I have to say it’s been a very long time since I got that far into a hole, and was actively thinking about self harm.
And I’m pretty freaked out about it.
In general, I’ve been doing better; but I think that the cycling piece is different, and pretty wearing on me overall. My sleep is also pretty disturbed as a result of the new cocktail, which makes for rough mornings, added time pressure, etc.
I am looking on this afternoon as a warning sign.
You need to understand that I am deeply embarrassed at having frightened my friends this afternoon. Many of you know I’ve carried on a long crusade to erase the perception of mental illness as a necessary part, or even cause, of creative ability; the same kind of mentality that has caused us to lose some great artists.
I think of Chris Branch, from St. Louis, most immediately when I think of this.
So when I find myself in the same trough, it’s hard to reconcile my high minded rhetoric with the truth that I can be as much a wallower as the worst teen angst poets.
At any rate, my apologies if I frightened anyone.
I will be absent from here, I think, for a bit…until I get myself settled and more stable again.
Thanks for your patience and love. It is more than I could hope for.
Dark Matter 
August 19th, 2004 at 3:34 pm
i’m sitting here crying, wishing i knew what the fuck to say.
there are still wonders to behold and share, even after the loss of innocence. there is still beauty, love, and joy in the world, even if it’s currently beyond the reaches of your perception. it IS here, i promise you.
and we want you here with us. let us hold on to you–don’t let go.
August 19th, 2004 at 3:34 pm
i’m sitting here crying, wishing i knew what the fuck to say.
there are still wonders to behold and share, even after the loss of innocence. there is still beauty, love, and joy in the world, even if it’s currently beyond the reaches of your perception. it IS here, i promise you.
and we want you here with us. let us hold on to you–don’t let go.
August 19th, 2004 at 3:34 pm
i’m sitting here crying, wishing i knew what the fuck to say.
there are still wonders to behold and share, even after the loss of innocence. there is still beauty, love, and joy in the world, even if it’s currently beyond the reaches of your perception. it IS here, i promise you.
and we want you here with us. let us hold on to you–don’t let go.
August 19th, 2004 at 3:34 pm
i’m sitting here crying, wishing i knew what the fuck to say.
there are still wonders to behold and share, even after the loss of innocence. there is still beauty, love, and joy in the world, even if it’s currently beyond the reaches of your perception. it IS here, i promise you.
and we want you here with us. let us hold on to you–don’t let go.
August 19th, 2004 at 3:34 pm
i’m sitting here crying, wishing i knew what the fuck to say.
there are still wonders to behold and share, even after the loss of innocence. there is still beauty, love, and joy in the world, even if it’s currently beyond the reaches of your perception. it IS here, i promise you.
and we want you here with us. let us hold on to you–don’t let go.
August 19th, 2004 at 3:34 pm
i’m sitting here crying, wishing i knew what the fuck to say.
there are still wonders to behold and share, even after the loss of innocence. there is still beauty, love, and joy in the world, even if it’s currently beyond the reaches of your perception. it IS here, i promise you.
and we want you here with us. let us hold on to you–don’t let go.
August 19th, 2004 at 1:19 pm
*hugs*
August 19th, 2004 at 1:19 pm
*hugs*
August 19th, 2004 at 1:19 pm
*hugs*
August 19th, 2004 at 1:19 pm
*hugs*
August 19th, 2004 at 1:19 pm
*hugs*
August 19th, 2004 at 1:19 pm
*hugs*
August 19th, 2004 at 10:33 am
#17
I make seventeen people to have posted.
That’s seventeen people, at the very least, who love and can’t live without you. Give yourself permission to let go and roll around in that for a couple minutes.
August 19th, 2004 at 10:33 am
#17
I make seventeen people to have posted.
That’s seventeen people, at the very least, who love and can’t live without you. Give yourself permission to let go and roll around in that for a couple minutes.
August 19th, 2004 at 10:33 am
#17
I make seventeen people to have posted.
That’s seventeen people, at the very least, who love and can’t live without you. Give yourself permission to let go and roll around in that for a couple minutes.
August 19th, 2004 at 10:33 am
#17
I make seventeen people to have posted.
That’s seventeen people, at the very least, who love and can’t live without you. Give yourself permission to let go and roll around in that for a couple minutes.
August 19th, 2004 at 10:33 am
#17
I make seventeen people to have posted.
That’s seventeen people, at the very least, who love and can’t live without you. Give yourself permission to let go and roll around in that for a couple minutes.
August 19th, 2004 at 10:33 am
#17
I make seventeen people to have posted.
That’s seventeen people, at the very least, who love and can’t live without you. Give yourself permission to let go and roll around in that for a couple minutes.
August 19th, 2004 at 10:29 am
I just want to chime in and second what everyone’s saying here, Tony. I love you, too. Just know that I’m here, also, if you want to talk…
August 19th, 2004 at 10:29 am
I just want to chime in and second what everyone’s saying here, Tony. I love you, too. Just know that I’m here, also, if you want to talk…
August 19th, 2004 at 10:29 am
I just want to chime in and second what everyone’s saying here, Tony. I love you, too. Just know that I’m here, also, if you want to talk…
August 19th, 2004 at 10:29 am
I just want to chime in and second what everyone’s saying here, Tony. I love you, too. Just know that I’m here, also, if you want to talk…
August 19th, 2004 at 10:29 am
I just want to chime in and second what everyone’s saying here, Tony. I love you, too. Just know that I’m here, also, if you want to talk…
August 19th, 2004 at 10:29 am
I just want to chime in and second what everyone’s saying here, Tony. I love you, too. Just know that I’m here, also, if you want to talk…
August 19th, 2004 at 8:28 am
exactly. and, exactly.
August 19th, 2004 at 8:28 am
exactly. and, exactly.
August 19th, 2004 at 8:28 am
exactly. and, exactly.
August 19th, 2004 at 8:28 am
exactly. and, exactly.
August 19th, 2004 at 8:28 am
exactly. and, exactly.
August 19th, 2004 at 8:28 am
exactly. and, exactly.
August 19th, 2004 at 7:37 am
I’ve never met you
I’ve never met you but I appreciate your honest heart-felt posts…my heart goes out to you in your struggle. (My son has BPD and I’ve got anxiety/depression so I know how painful the struggles can be.) Good luck.
August 19th, 2004 at 7:37 am
I’ve never met you
I’ve never met you but I appreciate your honest heart-felt posts…my heart goes out to you in your struggle. (My son has BPD and I’ve got anxiety/depression so I know how painful the struggles can be.) Good luck.
August 19th, 2004 at 7:37 am
I’ve never met you
I’ve never met you but I appreciate your honest heart-felt posts…my heart goes out to you in your struggle. (My son has BPD and I’ve got anxiety/depression so I know how painful the struggles can be.) Good luck.
August 19th, 2004 at 7:37 am
I’ve never met you
I’ve never met you but I appreciate your honest heart-felt posts…my heart goes out to you in your struggle. (My son has BPD and I’ve got anxiety/depression so I know how painful the struggles can be.) Good luck.
August 19th, 2004 at 7:37 am
I’ve never met you
I’ve never met you but I appreciate your honest heart-felt posts…my heart goes out to you in your struggle. (My son has BPD and I’ve got anxiety/depression so I know how painful the struggles can be.) Good luck.
August 19th, 2004 at 7:37 am
I’ve never met you
I’ve never met you but I appreciate your honest heart-felt posts…my heart goes out to you in your struggle. (My son has BPD and I’ve got anxiety/depression so I know how painful the struggles can be.) Good luck.
August 19th, 2004 at 7:03 am
Hey Tony it’s Rich…much much love and support from NYC.
Be good, be strong, and remember we all love you.
August 19th, 2004 at 7:03 am
Hey Tony it’s Rich…much much love and support from NYC.
Be good, be strong, and remember we all love you.
August 19th, 2004 at 7:03 am
Hey Tony it’s Rich…much much love and support from NYC.
Be good, be strong, and remember we all love you.
August 19th, 2004 at 7:03 am
Hey Tony it’s Rich…much much love and support from NYC.
Be good, be strong, and remember we all love you.
August 19th, 2004 at 7:03 am
Hey Tony it’s Rich…much much love and support from NYC.
Be good, be strong, and remember we all love you.
August 19th, 2004 at 7:03 am
Hey Tony it’s Rich…much much love and support from NYC.
Be good, be strong, and remember we all love you.
August 19th, 2004 at 6:57 am
I wasn’t around yesterday afternoon, so didn’t see the post. I did worry, however, about the dream I’d had about you the other night. Don’t know if you need or want one more person saying to get in touch if you need or want to, but the sentiment remains. Not sure if you have my email address, know you don’t have my phone number; let me know if you want either.
August 19th, 2004 at 6:57 am
I wasn’t around yesterday afternoon, so didn’t see the post. I did worry, however, about the dream I’d had about you the other night. Don’t know if you need or want one more person saying to get in touch if you need or want to, but the sentiment remains. Not sure if you have my email address, know you don’t have my phone number; let me know if you want either.
August 19th, 2004 at 6:57 am
I wasn’t around yesterday afternoon, so didn’t see the post. I did worry, however, about the dream I’d had about you the other night. Don’t know if you need or want one more person saying to get in touch if you need or want to, but the sentiment remains. Not sure if you have my email address, know you don’t have my phone number; let me know if you want either.
August 19th, 2004 at 6:57 am
I wasn’t around yesterday afternoon, so didn’t see the post. I did worry, however, about the dream I’d had about you the other night. Don’t know if you need or want one more person saying to get in touch if you need or want to, but the sentiment remains. Not sure if you have my email address, know you don’t have my phone number; let me know if you want either.
August 19th, 2004 at 6:57 am
I wasn’t around yesterday afternoon, so didn’t see the post. I did worry, however, about the dream I’d had about you the other night. Don’t know if you need or want one more person saying to get in touch if you need or want to, but the sentiment remains. Not sure if you have my email address, know you don’t have my phone number; let me know if you want either.
August 19th, 2004 at 6:57 am
I wasn’t around yesterday afternoon, so didn’t see the post. I did worry, however, about the dream I’d had about you the other night. Don’t know if you need or want one more person saying to get in touch if you need or want to, but the sentiment remains. Not sure if you have my email address, know you don’t have my phone number; let me know if you want either.
August 19th, 2004 at 6:30 am
I’m glad to know you’re a little better. I was very worried yesterday after your post…
August 19th, 2004 at 6:30 am
I’m glad to know you’re a little better. I was very worried yesterday after your post…
August 19th, 2004 at 6:30 am
I’m glad to know you’re a little better. I was very worried yesterday after your post…
August 19th, 2004 at 6:30 am
I’m glad to know you’re a little better. I was very worried yesterday after your post…
August 19th, 2004 at 6:30 am
I’m glad to know you’re a little better. I was very worried yesterday after your post…
August 19th, 2004 at 6:30 am
I’m glad to know you’re a little better. I was very worried yesterday after your post…
August 19th, 2004 at 3:49 am
Just back from California…
Tony, I’m just back from California, but I’d be among the first to chime in if I’d had internet access. I love you, and your words just keep hitting me over the head… make a life, make a living, make love, etc. If it were possible to achieve satori in a slam venue, you’ve done it to me more than once. Stay with us, please. We love you.
August 19th, 2004 at 3:49 am
Just back from California…
Tony, I’m just back from California, but I’d be among the first to chime in if I’d had internet access. I love you, and your words just keep hitting me over the head… make a life, make a living, make love, etc. If it were possible to achieve satori in a slam venue, you’ve done it to me more than once. Stay with us, please. We love you.
August 19th, 2004 at 3:49 am
Just back from California…
Tony, I’m just back from California, but I’d be among the first to chime in if I’d had internet access. I love you, and your words just keep hitting me over the head… make a life, make a living, make love, etc. If it were possible to achieve satori in a slam venue, you’ve done it to me more than once. Stay with us, please. We love you.
August 19th, 2004 at 3:49 am
Just back from California…
Tony, I’m just back from California, but I’d be among the first to chime in if I’d had internet access. I love you, and your words just keep hitting me over the head… make a life, make a living, make love, etc. If it were possible to achieve satori in a slam venue, you’ve done it to me more than once. Stay with us, please. We love you.
August 19th, 2004 at 3:49 am
Just back from California…
Tony, I’m just back from California, but I’d be among the first to chime in if I’d had internet access. I love you, and your words just keep hitting me over the head… make a life, make a living, make love, etc. If it were possible to achieve satori in a slam venue, you’ve done it to me more than once. Stay with us, please. We love you.
August 19th, 2004 at 3:49 am
Just back from California…
Tony, I’m just back from California, but I’d be among the first to chime in if I’d had internet access. I love you, and your words just keep hitting me over the head… make a life, make a living, make love, etc. If it were possible to achieve satori in a slam venue, you’ve done it to me more than once. Stay with us, please. We love you.
August 19th, 2004 at 2:37 am
Tony:
We need you around. If it gets bad, check in with one of us. Please.
August 19th, 2004 at 2:37 am
Tony:
We need you around. If it gets bad, check in with one of us. Please.
August 19th, 2004 at 2:37 am
Tony:
We need you around. If it gets bad, check in with one of us. Please.
August 19th, 2004 at 2:37 am
Tony:
We need you around. If it gets bad, check in with one of us. Please.
August 19th, 2004 at 2:37 am
Tony:
We need you around. If it gets bad, check in with one of us. Please.
August 19th, 2004 at 2:37 am
Tony:
We need you around. If it gets bad, check in with one of us. Please.
August 18th, 2004 at 11:05 pm
Hey, Sweet Pea,
I’ve been off the board for a while and thought I’d come back.
What the hell is going on?
I’m just kidding.
You know, I understand.
I’m sure by the time you get this, you will have gone to see who you need to. If you haven’t, time’s up…GO. Because, I tell you are so loved as a person, a friend and a talent. You must not leave this planet by choice. You are needed here!
Keep surfing until you get to still water.
Love,
Shel
August 18th, 2004 at 11:05 pm
Hey, Sweet Pea,
I’ve been off the board for a while and thought I’d come back.
What the hell is going on?
I’m just kidding.
You know, I understand.
I’m sure by the time you get this, you will have gone to see who you need to. If you haven’t, time’s up…GO. Because, I tell you are so loved as a person, a friend and a talent. You must not leave this planet by choice. You are needed here!
Keep surfing until you get to still water.
Love,
Shel
August 18th, 2004 at 11:05 pm
Hey, Sweet Pea,
I’ve been off the board for a while and thought I’d come back.
What the hell is going on?
I’m just kidding.
You know, I understand.
I’m sure by the time you get this, you will have gone to see who you need to. If you haven’t, time’s up…GO. Because, I tell you are so loved as a person, a friend and a talent. You must not leave this planet by choice. You are needed here!
Keep surfing until you get to still water.
Love,
Shel
August 18th, 2004 at 11:05 pm
Hey, Sweet Pea,
I’ve been off the board for a while and thought I’d come back.
What the hell is going on?
I’m just kidding.
You know, I understand.
I’m sure by the time you get this, you will have gone to see who you need to. If you haven’t, time’s up…GO. Because, I tell you are so loved as a person, a friend and a talent. You must not leave this planet by choice. You are needed here!
Keep surfing until you get to still water.
Love,
Shel
August 18th, 2004 at 11:05 pm
Hey, Sweet Pea,
I’ve been off the board for a while and thought I’d come back.
What the hell is going on?
I’m just kidding.
You know, I understand.
I’m sure by the time you get this, you will have gone to see who you need to. If you haven’t, time’s up…GO. Because, I tell you are so loved as a person, a friend and a talent. You must not leave this planet by choice. You are needed here!
Keep surfing until you get to still water.
Love,
Shel
August 18th, 2004 at 11:05 pm
Hey, Sweet Pea,
I’ve been off the board for a while and thought I’d come back.
What the hell is going on?
I’m just kidding.
You know, I understand.
I’m sure by the time you get this, you will have gone to see who you need to. If you haven’t, time’s up…GO. Because, I tell you are so loved as a person, a friend and a talent. You must not leave this planet by choice. You are needed here!
Keep surfing until you get to still water.
Love,
Shel
August 18th, 2004 at 10:55 pm
I love you.
and you mean more to me than I can adequately explain.
Please Tony, whenever you need anything, I don’t care what time it is, I will be there.
Take care of you. And once again. I love you.
August 18th, 2004 at 10:55 pm
I love you.
and you mean more to me than I can adequately explain.
Please Tony, whenever you need anything, I don’t care what time it is, I will be there.
Take care of you. And once again. I love you.
August 18th, 2004 at 10:55 pm
I love you.
and you mean more to me than I can adequately explain.
Please Tony, whenever you need anything, I don’t care what time it is, I will be there.
Take care of you. And once again. I love you.
August 18th, 2004 at 10:55 pm
I love you.
and you mean more to me than I can adequately explain.
Please Tony, whenever you need anything, I don’t care what time it is, I will be there.
Take care of you. And once again. I love you.
August 18th, 2004 at 10:55 pm
I love you.
and you mean more to me than I can adequately explain.
Please Tony, whenever you need anything, I don’t care what time it is, I will be there.
Take care of you. And once again. I love you.
August 18th, 2004 at 10:55 pm
I love you.
and you mean more to me than I can adequately explain.
Please Tony, whenever you need anything, I don’t care what time it is, I will be there.
Take care of you. And once again. I love you.
August 18th, 2004 at 9:58 pm
no need to apologize for who you are
love ya
August 18th, 2004 at 9:58 pm
no need to apologize for who you are
love ya
August 18th, 2004 at 9:58 pm
no need to apologize for who you are
love ya
August 18th, 2004 at 9:58 pm
no need to apologize for who you are
love ya
August 18th, 2004 at 9:58 pm
no need to apologize for who you are
love ya
August 18th, 2004 at 9:58 pm
no need to apologize for who you are
love ya
August 18th, 2004 at 9:54 pm
I’m just glad to see you still with us.
Love you
August 18th, 2004 at 9:54 pm
I’m just glad to see you still with us.
Love you
August 18th, 2004 at 9:54 pm
I’m just glad to see you still with us.
Love you
August 18th, 2004 at 9:54 pm
I’m just glad to see you still with us.
Love you
August 18th, 2004 at 9:54 pm
I’m just glad to see you still with us.
Love you
August 18th, 2004 at 9:54 pm
I’m just glad to see you still with us.
Love you
August 18th, 2004 at 9:13 pm
I understand.
You’re loved very much, so please take care of yourself. You’re not alone.
August 18th, 2004 at 9:13 pm
I understand.
You’re loved very much, so please take care of yourself. You’re not alone.
August 18th, 2004 at 9:13 pm
I understand.
You’re loved very much, so please take care of yourself. You’re not alone.
August 18th, 2004 at 9:13 pm
I understand.
You’re loved very much, so please take care of yourself. You’re not alone.
August 18th, 2004 at 9:13 pm
I understand.
You’re loved very much, so please take care of yourself. You’re not alone.
August 18th, 2004 at 9:13 pm
I understand.
You’re loved very much, so please take care of yourself. You’re not alone.
August 18th, 2004 at 9:07 pm
never forget that we are your friends for the good times & the bad.
hell, we survived Exit 13, we can get through anything 😉
sending lots of love your way
August 18th, 2004 at 9:07 pm
never forget that we are your friends for the good times & the bad.
hell, we survived Exit 13, we can get through anything 😉
sending lots of love your way
August 18th, 2004 at 9:07 pm
never forget that we are your friends for the good times & the bad.
hell, we survived Exit 13, we can get through anything 😉
sending lots of love your way
August 18th, 2004 at 9:07 pm
never forget that we are your friends for the good times & the bad.
hell, we survived Exit 13, we can get through anything 😉
sending lots of love your way
August 18th, 2004 at 9:07 pm
never forget that we are your friends for the good times & the bad.
hell, we survived Exit 13, we can get through anything 😉
sending lots of love your way
August 18th, 2004 at 9:07 pm
never forget that we are your friends for the good times & the bad.
hell, we survived Exit 13, we can get through anything 😉
sending lots of love your way
August 18th, 2004 at 8:31 pm
love you, Bunny. regardless of troubles. love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you…
August 18th, 2004 at 8:31 pm
love you, Bunny. regardless of troubles. love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you…
August 18th, 2004 at 8:31 pm
love you, Bunny. regardless of troubles. love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you…
August 18th, 2004 at 8:31 pm
love you, Bunny. regardless of troubles. love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you…
August 18th, 2004 at 8:31 pm
love you, Bunny. regardless of troubles. love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you…
August 18th, 2004 at 8:31 pm
love you, Bunny. regardless of troubles. love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you love you, love you, love you…
August 18th, 2004 at 8:30 pm
one last thing: i understand needing not to live on line at a time like this, but consider that there may be some support here that you might miss.
please just let us know you’re okay once in a while, okay?
not because i’ll be worried, but because you’ll be missed.
August 18th, 2004 at 8:30 pm
one last thing: i understand needing not to live on line at a time like this, but consider that there may be some support here that you might miss.
please just let us know you’re okay once in a while, okay?
not because i’ll be worried, but because you’ll be missed.
August 18th, 2004 at 8:30 pm
one last thing: i understand needing not to live on line at a time like this, but consider that there may be some support here that you might miss.
please just let us know you’re okay once in a while, okay?
not because i’ll be worried, but because you’ll be missed.
August 18th, 2004 at 8:30 pm
one last thing: i understand needing not to live on line at a time like this, but consider that there may be some support here that you might miss.
please just let us know you’re okay once in a while, okay?
not because i’ll be worried, but because you’ll be missed.
August 18th, 2004 at 8:30 pm
one last thing: i understand needing not to live on line at a time like this, but consider that there may be some support here that you might miss.
please just let us know you’re okay once in a while, okay?
not because i’ll be worried, but because you’ll be missed.
August 18th, 2004 at 8:30 pm
one last thing: i understand needing not to live on line at a time like this, but consider that there may be some support here that you might miss.
please just let us know you’re okay once in a while, okay?
not because i’ll be worried, but because you’ll be missed.
August 18th, 2004 at 8:28 pm
and if you have any doubt, you are very, very loved. because you give so much, i think.
August 18th, 2004 at 8:28 pm
and if you have any doubt, you are very, very loved. because you give so much, i think.
August 18th, 2004 at 8:28 pm
and if you have any doubt, you are very, very loved. because you give so much, i think.
August 18th, 2004 at 8:28 pm
and if you have any doubt, you are very, very loved. because you give so much, i think.
August 18th, 2004 at 8:28 pm
and if you have any doubt, you are very, very loved. because you give so much, i think.
August 18th, 2004 at 8:28 pm
and if you have any doubt, you are very, very loved. because you give so much, i think.