Revised — thanks, Stefan and Dawn. I read it tonight at my feature and it worked well.
HOME ON LEAVE
The whoosh-snap
of the rifle’s report dissolved
to a fastball’s thud
in my chest.
I only knew it was real
after it had happened.
The only way I knew that sound had been there
was by its immediate absence as I fell back.
This too:
my target
fell without making any sound.
He did not get up again.
Dark Matter 
May 3rd, 2004 at 10:00 pm
I’m not sure I agree with “The moment…was” suggestion. But I do agree with the principle behind the suggestion. Indeed, this needs to be snappy and fast.
May 3rd, 2004 at 10:00 pm
I’m not sure I agree with “The moment…was” suggestion. But I do agree with the principle behind the suggestion. Indeed, this needs to be snappy and fast.
May 3rd, 2004 at 10:00 pm
I’m not sure I agree with “The moment…was” suggestion. But I do agree with the principle behind the suggestion. Indeed, this needs to be snappy and fast.
May 3rd, 2004 at 9:58 pm
Thank you and I am glad i was able to suggest something useful.
I like the rewrites. But I also like something the previous version had but this does not. Two things in fact:
1) I like the pain the previous draft had. I think pain adds force to the 1st stanza. But I would consider dropping some of the verbs from it. Maybe something like this could work:
The whoosh-snap
of the rifle’s report
a fastball’s thud
pain in my chest.
2) I also like a lot these two lines:
the moment I knew everything
would be different forever
Keep them in your scrap-book, for this or maybe other poem, I think.
All the best, friend.
May 3rd, 2004 at 9:58 pm
Thank you and I am glad i was able to suggest something useful.
I like the rewrites. But I also like something the previous version had but this does not. Two things in fact:
1) I like the pain the previous draft had. I think pain adds force to the 1st stanza. But I would consider dropping some of the verbs from it. Maybe something like this could work:
The whoosh-snap
of the rifle’s report
a fastball’s thud
pain in my chest.
2) I also like a lot these two lines:
the moment I knew everything
would be different forever
Keep them in your scrap-book, for this or maybe other poem, I think.
All the best, friend.
May 3rd, 2004 at 8:37 pm
Re: target
Certainly, that’s one interpretation — both literally and figuratively.
The sensory basis for this is simple: I was working with the sensations associated with the recoil and report of a high caliber rifle. Anything else is inferred — as it should be.
And — hi there, Stranger! Nice to see you here.
May 3rd, 2004 at 8:37 pm
Re: target
Certainly, that’s one interpretation — both literally and figuratively.
The sensory basis for this is simple: I was working with the sensations associated with the recoil and report of a high caliber rifle. Anything else is inferred — as it should be.
And — hi there, Stranger! Nice to see you here.
May 3rd, 2004 at 7:43 pm
This is beautiful; I love the straightforward manner of this piece, through which it conveys so much emotion than it would if everything were spelled out.
There are just a few things I think might make it work even better:
If you cut “The moment… was” and start with “When the whoosh-snap”, it might draw the reader/listener more immediately into the piece. Also, I don’t think those two lines add much to the poem, esp. considering how short it is.
The line “There was no sound when it was happening,” isn’t working for me, esp. since the concept is presented so much better in the following two lines. If you cut that line, the meaning would remain intact (I think stronger).
The other words I would be tempted to cut are “of course.” I think starting the second stroph with “And this too:” would be stronger.
In any case, yes. This is very, very good. It works on a multitude of conflicting and interesting levels. I attack everything with shears. Keep me away from yer beard.
May 3rd, 2004 at 7:43 pm
This is beautiful; I love the straightforward manner of this piece, through which it conveys so much emotion than it would if everything were spelled out.
There are just a few things I think might make it work even better:
If you cut “The moment… was” and start with “When the whoosh-snap”, it might draw the reader/listener more immediately into the piece. Also, I don’t think those two lines add much to the poem, esp. considering how short it is.
The line “There was no sound when it was happening,” isn’t working for me, esp. since the concept is presented so much better in the following two lines. If you cut that line, the meaning would remain intact (I think stronger).
The other words I would be tempted to cut are “of course.” I think starting the second stroph with “And this too:” would be stronger.
In any case, yes. This is very, very good. It works on a multitude of conflicting and interesting levels. I attack everything with shears. Keep me away from yer beard.
May 3rd, 2004 at 2:36 pm
target
Am I to think of the shooter as having been bowled over?
May 3rd, 2004 at 2:36 pm
target
Am I to think of the shooter as having been bowled over?