Here’s a quickie/first draft, based on a writing exercise developed by Lynne Procope.
HOME ON LEAVE
It can best be described
this way:
the moment I knew everything
would be different forever was when the whoosh-snap
of the rifle’s report dissolved
into a fastball’s thud of pain in my chest,
and I realized that the sound of it and the feeling of it
were one and the same, and that
the only way I knew any of it was real
was after it had happened –
there was no sound while it was happening,
and the only way I knew the sound had been there
was by its immediate absence as I fell back. All that –
and of course
this too: my target
fell without making a sound of his own,
and he did not get up again.
Dark Matter 
May 3rd, 2004 at 9:46 am
very cool – might just try that…
May 3rd, 2004 at 9:46 am
very cool – might just try that…
May 3rd, 2004 at 8:50 am
Re: stunning.
I was just getting offa work. I always stay up later than I need to on Sunday nights because I’ve worked all day and I feel like I missed out.
Well that and I’ve been having another go round with insomnia as of late. Haven’t been to bed before 330 am in a few weeks.
but now it’s morning and I’m up again.
May 3rd, 2004 at 8:50 am
Re: stunning.
I was just getting offa work. I always stay up later than I need to on Sunday nights because I’ve worked all day and I feel like I missed out.
Well that and I’ve been having another go round with insomnia as of late. Haven’t been to bed before 330 am in a few weeks.
but now it’s morning and I’m up again.
May 3rd, 2004 at 7:44 am
Briefly: to pursue a meditation on a point of view for thirteen lines, considering a change that is taking place — and then to close with an abrupt change from that point of view at the end for no more than four lines.
May 3rd, 2004 at 7:44 am
Briefly: to pursue a meditation on a point of view for thirteen lines, considering a change that is taking place — and then to close with an abrupt change from that point of view at the end for no more than four lines.
May 3rd, 2004 at 5:31 am
best line for me:
there was no sound while it was happening,
sometimes memories sound like a vacuum. i forget that sometimes.
so what is the exercize?
May 3rd, 2004 at 5:31 am
best line for me:
there was no sound while it was happening,
sometimes memories sound like a vacuum. i forget that sometimes.
so what is the exercize?
May 3rd, 2004 at 12:48 am
Re: stunning.
Thanks, hon.
I repeat my question to Stefan: What are you doing up?
May 3rd, 2004 at 12:48 am
Re: stunning.
Thanks, hon.
I repeat my question to Stefan: What are you doing up?
May 3rd, 2004 at 12:47 am
Thanks, man.
Couple of thoughts:
I agree with you regarding going minimal. And your changes are pretty spot on with the ones I was considering.
The exercise included a line count, so I was definitely padding to meet the requirements the first time out. 😉 The second draft will be ALL MINE. (hee hee)
As for this though:
Also, do you need these:
“All that –
and of course
this too:”
Actually, I think I do — the point here is not to just include the death as part of the narrative, but also to drive home the point that the narrator is primarily seeing the incident as having been about him; the fact that he killed someone is an afterthought. That locution gives it a sort of “oh, by the way” quality, to me anyway.
What are you doing up?
May 3rd, 2004 at 12:47 am
Thanks, man.
Couple of thoughts:
I agree with you regarding going minimal. And your changes are pretty spot on with the ones I was considering.
The exercise included a line count, so I was definitely padding to meet the requirements the first time out. 😉 The second draft will be ALL MINE. (hee hee)
As for this though:
Also, do you need these:
“All that –
and of course
this too:”
Actually, I think I do — the point here is not to just include the death as part of the narrative, but also to drive home the point that the narrator is primarily seeing the incident as having been about him; the fact that he killed someone is an afterthought. That locution gives it a sort of “oh, by the way” quality, to me anyway.
What are you doing up?
May 3rd, 2004 at 12:31 am
stunning.
intense. is. all.
May 3rd, 2004 at 12:31 am
stunning.
intense. is. all.
May 3rd, 2004 at 12:26 am
Damn, this has power.
Do you need comments?
Well, I would try to make it more minimal. Do you need the first two lines? Why not to start with the third. Also, see whether you can eliminate some of the stuff fom the narrator. For example, instead:
“and I realized that the sound of it and the feeling of it
were one and the same, and that”
maybe
the sound of it and the feeling of it
were one and the same.
Also, do you need these:
“All that –
and of course
this too:”
I think it would read well if you just cut to the chase:
my target fell too
without making a sound
and he did not get up again.
May 3rd, 2004 at 12:26 am
Damn, this has power.
Do you need comments?
Well, I would try to make it more minimal. Do you need the first two lines? Why not to start with the third. Also, see whether you can eliminate some of the stuff fom the narrator. For example, instead:
“and I realized that the sound of it and the feeling of it
were one and the same, and that”
maybe
the sound of it and the feeling of it
were one and the same.
Also, do you need these:
“All that –
and of course
this too:”
I think it would read well if you just cut to the chase:
my target fell too
without making a sound
and he did not get up again.