Anniversary

In the middle of cleaning and room-rearranging chores today I came across the program for the memorial service for my friend Terry, who died four years ago on April 28 of an undiagnosed brain tumor.

I think about Terry a lot. Wild woman, good friend, tough as nails, ferociously loyal and in love with life after a hard road coming up.

Her death split open a circle of close friends and we’ve never been the same.

Terry’s death kicked me in the ass, got me out of my reluctance to tour and onto the SlamAmerica tour, as well as being the straw that got me to realize that I couldn’t relegate the poetry in my life to a secondary role forever.

I sit here and think about her now, and wonder about how many things would be different if she’d survived.

I think about Julie this way too; I received an e-mail today from an old friend from high school, someone who was a part of the whole circle of friends that split up in the months following her death in the car accident. What is my reluctance to return the e-mail about? Guilt?

And then I think of Tara, who was on Flight 11 on Sept. 11; my sometime professional (but always well respected) adversary who sent her sister to see me for career help — shocking me no end, as I never would have thought Tara respected me and my skills enough to send her sister to me…and I never had the chance to tell her how profoundly moved I was by that.

All these people gone who left their marks.

It is impossible to measure fully the impact we have on each other, and to ever calculate the turns your life would have taken without the others you’ve known.