There’s good news and bad news.
Let’s do the bad news first, so we all have something to look forward to, shall we?
Based on recent events, issues, and medical indications, the consensus is that the new round of medications is probably not working, in that the therapeutic dosage (what stops the bipolar cycling) appears to be too high to allow me to function properly through the resultant side effects, while a reduced dosage is not helping me get over.
This means we’re probably looking at an outright medication change in the near future.
This means, once again, that I’m getting worse. And my therapist refused to say otherwise this morning.
The good news:
Dark Matter 
April 23rd, 2004 at 7:48 pm
Just Keep Hanging In There ….
Even for years, even for months.
We will beat this thing.
And in offerring up…I’ve been on
all the anti-epileptics, most of
the oldies, and some of the newsies.
I did L. for about 10 years, but did
not help. Even with Depakote and
Tegretol added. I’ve spent time under
a blanket and time with my head in a
trash bag. Turns out, I wanted to live.
And like Pete Townsend says in The Best
Cowboys….Somebody Saved Me.
Right now, I’m on Respird. with tons of
minor benzies to help tone down the energy.
I know I’m going to make it, this time.
I insist on it for all time lost.
I would advise anyone who is unhappy with
their current situ. to get a second opinion.
There are lots of new things out there.
Actually, I thought “ableify” was kind of
cool, but everyone’s body is different.
I’m walking on the same road, Tony.
I’m praying you get some break through hours.
I sort of think this all comes on from having
intense feellings. They just sear through you
and your wiring gets burnt. Remember that
Winston Churchill, Theodore Roosevelt and on and
on endured this damnned pain, but for planetary
gain.
Repeat after me: I will Rock Steady.
Pace steadily.
Leave something in
the heart for a
rainy day. Feel and
Find that solid,
steady core and turn
to stone every bit
of static. Keep to
to the core of love
and strength.
You
Are
There.
April 23rd, 2004 at 7:48 pm
Just Keep Hanging In There ….
Even for years, even for months.
We will beat this thing.
And in offerring up…I’ve been on
all the anti-epileptics, most of
the oldies, and some of the newsies.
I did L. for about 10 years, but did
not help. Even with Depakote and
Tegretol added. I’ve spent time under
a blanket and time with my head in a
trash bag. Turns out, I wanted to live.
And like Pete Townsend says in The Best
Cowboys….Somebody Saved Me.
Right now, I’m on Respird. with tons of
minor benzies to help tone down the energy.
I know I’m going to make it, this time.
I insist on it for all time lost.
I would advise anyone who is unhappy with
their current situ. to get a second opinion.
There are lots of new things out there.
Actually, I thought “ableify” was kind of
cool, but everyone’s body is different.
I’m walking on the same road, Tony.
I’m praying you get some break through hours.
I sort of think this all comes on from having
intense feellings. They just sear through you
and your wiring gets burnt. Remember that
Winston Churchill, Theodore Roosevelt and on and
on endured this damnned pain, but for planetary
gain.
Repeat after me: I will Rock Steady.
Pace steadily.
Leave something in
the heart for a
rainy day. Feel and
Find that solid,
steady core and turn
to stone every bit
of static. Keep to
to the core of love
and strength.
You
Are
There.
April 23rd, 2004 at 8:22 am
Hang In There Pumpkin
I just spent the week at the
M. Menders Hotel. Is April
the cruelest month? I kind
of like the weather myself.
The political currents are
really sending me up.
Did you ever see what T.S. Elliot’s
Wife did at the book publishers?
It’s funny, but so tragic.
I’m just walking around
staying cool, cold and colder.
Turning on the A.C. Freezing.
Drumming/Guitar/Singing.
Cold.
Icy.
Dead.
Walking.
Dead.
Been.
Walking.
Dead.
So.
Long.
I’m
More
In
Spirit.
More
Or
Less
Than
Alive
ICE.
E.
April 23rd, 2004 at 8:22 am
Hang In There Pumpkin
I just spent the week at the
M. Menders Hotel. Is April
the cruelest month? I kind
of like the weather myself.
The political currents are
really sending me up.
Did you ever see what T.S. Elliot’s
Wife did at the book publishers?
It’s funny, but so tragic.
I’m just walking around
staying cool, cold and colder.
Turning on the A.C. Freezing.
Drumming/Guitar/Singing.
Cold.
Icy.
Dead.
Walking.
Dead.
Been.
Walking.
Dead.
So.
Long.
I’m
More
In
Spirit.
More
Or
Less
Than
Alive
ICE.
E.
April 22nd, 2004 at 6:26 am
Meds and THAT feeling.
Tony,
I know I don’t know you very well. However, I think I have a good idea of what your going through. I am now going to tell you something some of my closest friends don’t even know about…right here on live journal. I am epileptic, and I recently went through a medication problem where the medication caused me severe depression, social anxiety, the feeling of things crawling on me, severe cloudiness, thoughts of suicide, and tingling in my hands and feet. It got so bad that I had to make a safety agreement as well. I’m still in therapy and I am not sure if I am going to be able to stop therapy any time soon. It’s difficult to walk away from such a severe downward spiral unscathed.
I am now on a new medication which has improved my situation…at least for the time being. If Brian, my husband, had not looked up the side affects of the first medication I might still be on it and completely unable to function.
I guess what I am getting at is this…a new medication could mean a world of change for the better, it might take time to find the right meds…please be patient. Know that there is a great many people who
are there for you and who care about you.
Take Care of yourself!
April 22nd, 2004 at 6:26 am
Meds and THAT feeling.
Tony,
I know I don’t know you very well. However, I think I have a good idea of what your going through. I am now going to tell you something some of my closest friends don’t even know about…right here on live journal. I am epileptic, and I recently went through a medication problem where the medication caused me severe depression, social anxiety, the feeling of things crawling on me, severe cloudiness, thoughts of suicide, and tingling in my hands and feet. It got so bad that I had to make a safety agreement as well. I’m still in therapy and I am not sure if I am going to be able to stop therapy any time soon. It’s difficult to walk away from such a severe downward spiral unscathed.
I am now on a new medication which has improved my situation…at least for the time being. If Brian, my husband, had not looked up the side affects of the first medication I might still be on it and completely unable to function.
I guess what I am getting at is this…a new medication could mean a world of change for the better, it might take time to find the right meds…please be patient. Know that there is a great many people who
are there for you and who care about you.
Take Care of yourself!
April 21st, 2004 at 10:27 pm
hang on.
*ten times more cyberbearhugs*
Just keep to the agreement. We’re all behind you. You’re stronger than you know, and you’ve got the heart to prove it.
I pray everything works out for you with the meds… with everything. Good Luck.
I’m here if you need me.
April 21st, 2004 at 10:27 pm
hang on.
*ten times more cyberbearhugs*
Just keep to the agreement. We’re all behind you. You’re stronger than you know, and you’ve got the heart to prove it.
I pray everything works out for you with the meds… with everything. Good Luck.
I’m here if you need me.
April 21st, 2004 at 8:29 pm
Acckkk…. your current post doesnt have a place to leave a comment…. I hope that everything works out for you, sweetheart. What exactly is a safety agreement?
April 21st, 2004 at 8:29 pm
Acckkk…. your current post doesnt have a place to leave a comment…. I hope that everything works out for you, sweetheart. What exactly is a safety agreement?
April 21st, 2004 at 4:10 pm
😦
Sending a giant hug from Rego Park to Woosta.
April 21st, 2004 at 4:10 pm
😦
Sending a giant hug from Rego Park to Woosta.
April 21st, 2004 at 2:48 pm
Sushi!
The medication you need is sushi!
My treat, any Tuesday or Thursday after next week that you care to name…. 🙂
Or call me and we can work out another date.
April 21st, 2004 at 2:48 pm
Sushi!
The medication you need is sushi!
My treat, any Tuesday or Thursday after next week that you care to name…. 🙂
Or call me and we can work out another date.
April 21st, 2004 at 12:47 pm
What more can I say…
…but second this wholeheartedly, Tony. Count me in the circle of those keeping you close through thoughts, prayers, words, and in any other way we can. We’re here even when you can’t see us for the dark.
April 21st, 2004 at 12:47 pm
What more can I say…
…but second this wholeheartedly, Tony. Count me in the circle of those keeping you close through thoughts, prayers, words, and in any other way we can. We’re here even when you can’t see us for the dark.
April 21st, 2004 at 11:20 am
Oh dear…
*giant hugs*
That’s rougher than steel wool on the palm of your hand.
If there’s anything at all I can do to help, drop me a line. I know how tough it is to hold onto yourself through side effects and medical humbug. You’ll get through, I have faith in you. Just keep moving. Don’t let yourself stop. You’ve got us behind you, and I’ve got jumper cables if you need them.
April 21st, 2004 at 11:20 am
Oh dear…
*giant hugs*
That’s rougher than steel wool on the palm of your hand.
If there’s anything at all I can do to help, drop me a line. I know how tough it is to hold onto yourself through side effects and medical humbug. You’ll get through, I have faith in you. Just keep moving. Don’t let yourself stop. You’ve got us behind you, and I’ve got jumper cables if you need them.
April 21st, 2004 at 11:16 am
[expletive deleted]
I wish I could hand you a pillow to help bolster your spirits.
April 21st, 2004 at 11:16 am
[expletive deleted]
I wish I could hand you a pillow to help bolster your spirits.
April 21st, 2004 at 10:36 am
This means we’re probably looking at an outright medication change in the near future.
aw, hell. know we’re here for ya, pal…
April 21st, 2004 at 10:36 am
This means we’re probably looking at an outright medication change in the near future.
aw, hell. know we’re here for ya, pal…
April 21st, 2004 at 10:29 am
The good news is that you are a really decent person with a big heart.
More good news is your support group of friends, all of whom will help in any way we can.
Love, Isaac
April 21st, 2004 at 10:29 am
The good news is that you are a really decent person with a big heart.
More good news is your support group of friends, all of whom will help in any way we can.
Love, Isaac
April 21st, 2004 at 10:14 am
Re: the good news
RC, thank you.
it’s not easy being me at the moment. I would not wish it on anyone.
April 21st, 2004 at 10:14 am
Re: the good news
RC, thank you.
it’s not easy being me at the moment. I would not wish it on anyone.
April 21st, 2004 at 10:06 am
the good news
you get to be tony brown. many people like you. probably more love you.
i can’t tell you what to do or how to feel but the support is coast to coastal.
rcw
April 21st, 2004 at 10:06 am
the good news
you get to be tony brown. many people like you. probably more love you.
i can’t tell you what to do or how to feel but the support is coast to coastal.
rcw
April 21st, 2004 at 10:01 am
Re: Yes, I did.
Jason’s one of our best. We’re lucky to have him. Oddly, he also writes about sex for Salon.
April 21st, 2004 at 10:01 am
Re: Yes, I did.
Jason’s one of our best. We’re lucky to have him. Oddly, he also writes about sex for Salon.
April 21st, 2004 at 9:57 am
Re: aw shit, Tony.
I will try.
I keep repeating that.
The strange thing is…I can still write. Not as much, but I can focus long enough to take things through to completion. Odd.
April 21st, 2004 at 9:57 am
Re: aw shit, Tony.
I will try.
I keep repeating that.
The strange thing is…I can still write. Not as much, but I can focus long enough to take things through to completion. Odd.
April 21st, 2004 at 9:55 am
Re: aw shit, Tony.
it’s not so much lapses as aphasia — i can’t remember things from the day before — and sometimes things like phone conversations from 10 minutes ago.
and sometimes it’s fine.
it’s pretty wild.
you know, there really are a lot of meds out there. i’m sure you’ll find a better match. i have to.
April 21st, 2004 at 9:55 am
Re: aw shit, Tony.
it’s not so much lapses as aphasia — i can’t remember things from the day before — and sometimes things like phone conversations from 10 minutes ago.
and sometimes it’s fine.
it’s pretty wild.
you know, there really are a lot of meds out there. i’m sure you’ll find a better match. i have to.
April 21st, 2004 at 9:48 am
Yes, I did.
Strangely, I just received another copy from someone here at work. It’s sitting right here.
Nice article; I like that he didn’t feature me as much in the text. Wish there were pictures of at least one other poet, though.
April 21st, 2004 at 9:48 am
Yes, I did.
Strangely, I just received another copy from someone here at work. It’s sitting right here.
Nice article; I like that he didn’t feature me as much in the text. Wish there were pictures of at least one other poet, though.
April 21st, 2004 at 9:46 am
Thanks.
I will call you later.
April 21st, 2004 at 9:46 am
Thanks.
I will call you later.
April 21st, 2004 at 9:46 am
Re: aw shit, Tony.
Oh, the memory lapses. That’s the biggest one for me…losing the ability to speak in the middle of sentences…not a good thing for a trainer, or a performance poet.
Thank you. I will try…but honestly, I’m not real hopeful right now.
April 21st, 2004 at 9:46 am
Re: aw shit, Tony.
Oh, the memory lapses. That’s the biggest one for me…losing the ability to speak in the middle of sentences…not a good thing for a trainer, or a performance poet.
Thank you. I will try…but honestly, I’m not real hopeful right now.
April 21st, 2004 at 9:27 am
Hang in there, kid. *Sending lots of hugs and wishes your way*
April 21st, 2004 at 9:27 am
Hang in there, kid. *Sending lots of hugs and wishes your way*
April 21st, 2004 at 9:23 am
Man. Much love your way Tony. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.
And on a complete nonsequitor, did you see your picture in the Blackstone Valley T&G Sunday?
April 21st, 2004 at 9:23 am
Man. Much love your way Tony. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.
And on a complete nonsequitor, did you see your picture in the Blackstone Valley T&G Sunday?
April 21st, 2004 at 9:19 am
Re: aw shit, Tony.
it IS, and it asks you to be patient and have faith at a time when you probably don’t have it. but hang in. there are still options. there is still help.
and you have my empathy; i’m having memory problems from the lithium, and there’s no WAY i can tolerate adjustments right now. i’ll just go with the alzheimer’s for the moment.
hang in there. hang in.
April 21st, 2004 at 9:19 am
Re: aw shit, Tony.
it IS, and it asks you to be patient and have faith at a time when you probably don’t have it. but hang in. there are still options. there is still help.
and you have my empathy; i’m having memory problems from the lithium, and there’s no WAY i can tolerate adjustments right now. i’ll just go with the alzheimer’s for the moment.
hang in there. hang in.
April 21st, 2004 at 8:52 am
Well, fuck.
Let me know if there’s any way to be useful, distracting, or at least entertaining.
April 21st, 2004 at 8:52 am
Well, fuck.
Let me know if there’s any way to be useful, distracting, or at least entertaining.
April 21st, 2004 at 8:39 am
Re: aw shit, Tony.
Thanks, Jeff.
This is so devastating…not entirely unexpected, but still.
April 21st, 2004 at 8:39 am
Re: aw shit, Tony.
Thanks, Jeff.
This is so devastating…not entirely unexpected, but still.
April 21st, 2004 at 8:34 am
aw shit, Tony.
sorry to hear it; i know a meds change will be tough and jarring. you’ll plow through it, i know, but it sucks when the going it’s this rocky.
peace and poetry.
April 21st, 2004 at 8:34 am
aw shit, Tony.
sorry to hear it; i know a meds change will be tough and jarring. you’ll plow through it, i know, but it sucks when the going it’s this rocky.
peace and poetry.