imsonshyne mentioned in a recent post the practice of cobbling several poems together into one. “Amalgamated Poetry” — sounds like a multinational concern, eh? But I digress.
We’ve all done this from time to time, but I decided to try something different.
I thought it was an interesting idea to attack my two latest pieces from a fresh angle by simply staggering the stanzas into each other to make a single new “poem”, then editing them into a true new poem with an independent meaning.
I like what I got better than the original versions of either of the other two poems…
Still a draft, but thoughts are welcome.
Braid
The red flat braid
in the pale dust around her head
shakes me whenever
I look at her picture.
She lies on the white road.
She could be asleep, but I know
she isn’t asleep, and I teeter
between the end
of the backward rock of a chair
and the start of the arc of its backward fall
whenever I look
at the picture.
Monday morning
before the light wakes up,
when my sense is bridging the space between
nothing and something – that’s
the only time now I can imagine her smile.
(I know she isn’t asleep. I know I’m
not asleep.) I spin
whenever I look
at the picture where she lies on the
white road, not sleeping,
eyes closed and dusted white, with
the bloodbraids around her head resting
snaky in the dust.
She could have been any young girl anywhere. (But
young girls don’t sleep in the road. ) This is the picture of her
unique, unnamed,
unavoidable, sleeping in the white road’s dust
because
that’s where the mine
bullet bomb RPG caught
her.
It takes a not-inconsiderable patience I do not have
to live in a wholly incomplete way
in this place where we can wake up on a Monday
and have coffee and arguments while
she lies in her bloodbraids there.
I’m spinning around her picture —
the long streaks on my cheeks
writing vapor trails on my skin. I’m safe enough, I guess;
the jets above me
drop nothing on their way into Logan,
and the roads here are black and wet.
Dark Matter 
April 16th, 2004 at 10:08 am
Nice blend
I KNOW I am not qualified to make comments on the work of other poets…especially ones that are so talented my two cents depreciates in comparison.
I am not an expert by any means, and certainly my knowledge of poetic structures are limited.
However, your Braid poem is, from title to end, like a poetry smoothie…nicely blended with all the right ingredients.
However, the sadness and angst felt while reading it becomes almost painful. Yet it would be wonderful if I could hear you read it sometime.
Seems the theme for the day is double edged swords!
April 16th, 2004 at 10:08 am
Nice blend
I KNOW I am not qualified to make comments on the work of other poets…especially ones that are so talented my two cents depreciates in comparison.
I am not an expert by any means, and certainly my knowledge of poetic structures are limited.
However, your Braid poem is, from title to end, like a poetry smoothie…nicely blended with all the right ingredients.
However, the sadness and angst felt while reading it becomes almost painful. Yet it would be wonderful if I could hear you read it sometime.
Seems the theme for the day is double edged swords!
April 15th, 2004 at 1:25 pm
Free is better, but I can live with cheap.
Thanks, Reid.
April 15th, 2004 at 1:25 pm
Free is better, but I can live with cheap.
Thanks, Reid.
April 15th, 2004 at 1:11 pm
Some of your pieces Tony, despite our age difference, I feel we could tell each other stories of “the road they call love” thatwould make us drink for the rest of our lives… wait… we already do that. When it’s free or cheap of course. 😉
April 15th, 2004 at 1:11 pm
Some of your pieces Tony, despite our age difference, I feel we could tell each other stories of “the road they call love” thatwould make us drink for the rest of our lives… wait… we already do that. When it’s free or cheap of course. 😉
April 15th, 2004 at 1:08 pm
Re: I like that…
Thanks. And, I’m glad you saw the thank you first!
April 15th, 2004 at 1:08 pm
Re: I like that…
Thanks. And, I’m glad you saw the thank you first!
April 15th, 2004 at 12:57 pm
I like that…
the title, “Braid” is also basically what you have done. Braided two separate poems together — magnificently actually. I also have to say that I like the separate poems immensely.
‘Spin’ slammed into me pretty hard on the first read and left me feeling a little hopeless about the situation. It makes me angry and I want to hit something for the unnecessary sadness of it all.
‘Between’ was easier to digest because whenever someone writes something with a perspective of how one is living or how they feel they are living I can convince myself that it is based on choices and the optimist in me believes everything can be solved. It makes me want to buy you a cup of coffee and talk to you.
‘Braid’ blows the idea of being able to solve things out of the water because the hopeless situation makes it impossible to fix how you are feeling. It makes me want to hug you and tell you everything will be alright.
I don’t usually comment on people’s poetry because I could care less about form or any technical aspects. I’m more inclined to tell you how it makes me feel. I hope I’ve done that.
…and you’re welcome.
April 15th, 2004 at 12:57 pm
I like that…
the title, “Braid” is also basically what you have done. Braided two separate poems together — magnificently actually. I also have to say that I like the separate poems immensely.
‘Spin’ slammed into me pretty hard on the first read and left me feeling a little hopeless about the situation. It makes me angry and I want to hit something for the unnecessary sadness of it all.
‘Between’ was easier to digest because whenever someone writes something with a perspective of how one is living or how they feel they are living I can convince myself that it is based on choices and the optimist in me believes everything can be solved. It makes me want to buy you a cup of coffee and talk to you.
‘Braid’ blows the idea of being able to solve things out of the water because the hopeless situation makes it impossible to fix how you are feeling. It makes me want to hug you and tell you everything will be alright.
I don’t usually comment on people’s poetry because I could care less about form or any technical aspects. I’m more inclined to tell you how it makes me feel. I hope I’ve done that.
…and you’re welcome.