BETWEEN
between flirt and affair
between laughter and terror
between the end of the backward rock of the chair
and the start of the backward fall
lies the land you live in
on a Monday morning
before the light wakes up
when your sense is bridging the space between
nothing and something – that’s
the only time
it takes a not-inconsiderable patience
to live this wholly incomplete way
to hang on the day’s pendulum without falling
off into
what?
what some call a great unknown
is just a marigold’s prayer
an antelope’s last thought before hitting
the wall
it is only
the way things are in
this vast continent between the poles
of being and not being
of static and
alive
if you are alive
you cannot win
you are dying in the moment
as fast as you can and
though the wind sleeps
in the blue trance before dawn
something is always moving
at once toward and away
back and forth and up and down
it only appears to be something other than you
Dark Matter 
April 14th, 2004 at 1:40 pm
Thanks for this.
I always welcome feedback…never feel worried about offering it!
Good call outs. This is a first draft. More to follow.
April 14th, 2004 at 1:40 pm
Thanks for this.
I always welcome feedback…never feel worried about offering it!
Good call outs. This is a first draft. More to follow.
April 14th, 2004 at 1:39 pm
Re: Nice
I forgot about that line. Thanks for reminding me.
April 14th, 2004 at 1:39 pm
Re: Nice
I forgot about that line. Thanks for reminding me.
April 14th, 2004 at 1:03 pm
I know you’ve said in the past that you appreciate feedback. I liked the start of this one so much that I felt moved to offer some, if that’s okay.
Strong beginning. It captures that moment of dramatic caesura – that calm place when everything seems to be all right for just a moment before falling apart.
At this point: it takes a not-inconsiderable patience/to live this wholly incomplete way, the language changes flow, and I was abruptly pulled out of the spell you were weaving.
You started to bring me back with: to hang on the day’s pendulum without falling, but off into/what? broke it again, and then what some call a great unknown/is just a marigold’s prayer/an antelope’s last thought before hitting/the wall completely lost me.
you are dying in the moment caught my attention again, brought me back in, and held me through: in the blue trance before dawn.
The language changes flow again at: something is always moving/at once toward and away/back and forth and up and down, and dampened the effect of the final line for me.
I like what you’re trying to do with this – that sense you’re trying to capture. You’ve got a great beginning, and some really nice lines throughout. I was glad to get to read it.
April 14th, 2004 at 1:03 pm
I know you’ve said in the past that you appreciate feedback. I liked the start of this one so much that I felt moved to offer some, if that’s okay.
Strong beginning. It captures that moment of dramatic caesura – that calm place when everything seems to be all right for just a moment before falling apart.
At this point: it takes a not-inconsiderable patience/to live this wholly incomplete way, the language changes flow, and I was abruptly pulled out of the spell you were weaving.
You started to bring me back with: to hang on the day’s pendulum without falling, but off into/what? broke it again, and then what some call a great unknown/is just a marigold’s prayer/an antelope’s last thought before hitting/the wall completely lost me.
you are dying in the moment caught my attention again, brought me back in, and held me through: in the blue trance before dawn.
The language changes flow again at: something is always moving/at once toward and away/back and forth and up and down, and dampened the effect of the final line for me.
I like what you’re trying to do with this – that sense you’re trying to capture. You’ve got a great beginning, and some really nice lines throughout. I was glad to get to read it.
April 14th, 2004 at 12:48 pm
Nice
between the end of the backward rock of the chair
and the start of the backward fall
reminds me of the Steven Wright line, something like, “You know that feeling you get when you lean back in a chair and almost fall, but just catch yourself? That’s the way I feel all the time.”
April 14th, 2004 at 12:48 pm
Nice
between the end of the backward rock of the chair
and the start of the backward fall
reminds me of the Steven Wright line, something like, “You know that feeling you get when you lean back in a chair and almost fall, but just catch yourself? That’s the way I feel all the time.”