Ruined, I am ruined
by the progress of years.
Each day starts with a token try —
I can’t get out of bed without
great effort which I’d rather be turning
to making love, if I was not alone;
to making art, since I am. What
would I be making? Since you asked,

maybe I’d take up painting, maybe
my old guitar would call me;
maybe I’d just sit and think and write
fantastic thoughts of dragons or something;
of the end of the current
administration at the hands
of the electorate — maybe.

Instead I struggle to the bathroom
and weigh myself, cheering my
tiny poundage loss; I make coffee
on the way to my measurements —
blood sugar, blood pressure — then I dress
and come out to here, to the computer,
to address the world as I see it.

It’s a relief to puzzle
over this dilemma: I’m a mess
of conflicting huge desires and
mundane needs. To wonder
about making love — there it is
again — or rising from bed
at all; why do I bother? Does
making room on the page
do a damn bit of good for
any fantasy I might harbor
for my healed self; does any vision
of my healed self include
any other — or am I lost, lost
alone amid my fantasies?

I don’t know. I sit here
with a cup of coffee and
my dream of self-sustenance.

I don’t know. I sit here
blank inside and nondescript
outside; ruined face, muscles
not firm, most of all
my old eyes — sunken ships.

They look out and see the ocean
as the end of things. They look out
and see no fish, no shells,
nothing but waves overhead
driven by winds unseen
while I sit calmly
at the bottom of the dark ocean
and think of anything at all
that differs from this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
onward,
T

I pour a large cup
of bitter coffee. I go
sit in the living room,
pull out this computer,
and I write after I sit for a bit.
Sip the coffee now and then;
mostly, I just sit.

Sitting is the aspect of living
I enjoy the most, hate the most,
am spending the most time in.
Sometimes a cat sits with me;
mostly, I just sit alone.

Turn on the radio
and don’t groove along
to any song, really, at all.
If I recognize anyone
I’m happy for a second, then I go back
to sitting, alone, in my worn chair;
I mostly just sit.

The window behind me
holds back the cars, the wind
and the rain, the definite articles
that pin down this earth to a case study
(and there are people who prefer it)
they can review, and study, and ponder
like it matters that you think of it,
think of anything at all; mostly,
though, I just sit.

Sitting is what I do
and sitting is the most I can do,
the least I can do. Mostly
I just sit, and think, pet the cat,
drink coffee, sit some more.

I’d get up and do something else
but what is there to do anyway
that will change this world
the way I want? After all

I am a cripple in despair,
I am a hero waiting for my chance,
I am temporarily snapped to a mold;
you can accept it, say “there, there…”
and pat my head, shake yours
as you turn from me, just sitting there,
a permanently lonely memory perhaps;

but really, I’m just sitting here with my coffee,
my cat on my lap.
and this whole damnable,
lovable world surging behind
my tightly shut eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
onward,
T

Appropriate for nothing
is what they say about
these facts:

marvelous birds
can chirp or sing or make
noise of any sort in time
with music played below them;
frogs climb trees and play games
within them, games like
poker and hopscotch; leaves
themselves can speak languages
unknown to humans, to any animal
really;

they sniff at all of this
and turn back to books
on business writing, accounting,
and scientific health care
while around them this world
whispers and serenely ignores them
as being superfluous, extra,
and not worth their time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
onward,
T

I am sorry
I have been a miss
for you. I’m so
sorry.

I turn
and begin to turn
again and again. I’m
sorry, more sorry

than I have ever been.
The trees are bare, all
the flowers are gone too;
I’m so sorry for that.

The lawn that never existed
outside of our vision,
the river we can’t see from here —
ah, I’m so sorry for them

and the lack of attention
I’ve paid them. Same with
the birds, the wind, the rain
and the sun. I am sorry

there’s no recourse for them,
no penance I can do, no penalty
I could serve. I am sorry
for all of that —

forever and a day, forever
until the wounds come forth
on my skin, until the scars
begin to form and leave me

trapped within them, like
a cage. I apologize
formally now and at once
more intensely

than I have ever said a thing
before now — may the wind
take me, may the rain soak me
if I fail at this. Apologies

all around for this;
I am one with the rain
and sun on this — part of
the weather; part of fading away.

It is what it is, it is
ashes and dust
and broken blooms.
I am sorry and I go now

as do the rain, the snow,
the lost leaves of the willow,
rays of sunlight, the night
as it falls.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
onward,
T

…and I start to speak…a dream
speech, oration from a place
deep within, and to be honest
it makes little sense in my head:

Weather: rain,
limited sunshine;
leftover clouds.
Gray sky like veins
in granite;
pink glimpses,
a response to gray.
Red-tinged snowflakes
at night in a darkness
nothing could break…

When I speak of
of this strange nonsense
it makes little, frightening sense,
and the horizon feels so distant.

So how do I proceed? Shall I speak,
put air behind it,
form words to make it plain
and clear that I’m speaking
plainly in a language
that should be clear
even when it is not?

I try it out
and say it to you:

Weather: rain,
limited sunshine;
leftover clouds.
Gray sky like veins
in granite;
pink glimpses,
a response to gray.
Red-tinged snowflakes
at night in a darkness
nothing could break…

If I speak like that
of the weather, of the sky full
of portents, if I use words
that meant little till right now
and you are puzzled,
hoping I’d reveal an explanation,
the unvarnished truth
of it would be held within
a series of questions —
is it meaningful? does it
speak to you? will you ask more
of me, ask me to explain it?
will you stay with me
until it’s clear?

Say it again, though you haven’t
spoken yet; say it
out loud:

Weather: rain,
limited sunshine;
leftover clouds.
Gray sky like veins
in granite;
pink glimpses,
a response to gray.
Red-tinged snowflakes
at night in a darkness
nothing could break…

You must understand that these are lines
from a poem I will try to write.
I don’t even know the poem yet
and I won’t until it’s written.
Someday, maybe when I’m gone
and all but forgotten, these words will be clear
and will appear before you one day
when storm or driving rain
comes forth in darkened sky
with that moon somehow
breaking through
a small slit in gathered clouds.

You will sit down and write this poem
and take it for your own, of course,
of course.

After all, I’m just a ghost,
just a ghost…
a ghost in soaking rain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
onward,
T

Saturday night:
the cat padding past the bed,
each footfall near noiseless, then
leaps onto the bed; a brief bit
of unwelcome clawing at the spread,
followed by curling up for sleep.

I lie awake a long time
counting all the medications I took
with a sigh. Thinking of everything
I didn’t do today, thinking of everything
I can’t do anymore. Wondering
what the cat thinks as she falls asleep.
Wondering when I will fall asleep,
and finally doing so.

Waking up: the cat leaps down
yelling for me to get up
and feed her. I stumble out
and do so; take my morning meds
with a sigh; measure my pressure
and sugar; dress, make coffee,
pour myself a cup, sit down,
listen to the radio.

Listen to the radio and think about
what I have to do today. Listen
to the radio and think about
what the people are saying: a man talks
about having lupus, a woman talks
about losing a boy to heroin.

The cat sprawls in my lap,
I scratch the cat, I listen to
the radio. Sundays
are like this. Tales of random grief
by strangers, disembodied strangers;
my own sighs thinking about them
while the cat
sleeps through them oblivious
and happy.

Goodbye, I tell
myself. Goodbye,
I tell them.

I turn the radio off
to start this day
of dreading the intrusion
of the real world into
my version of it — quiet,
uncomplicated, punctuated
by a cat snoring softly,
each of us peaceful for once,
for a precious few minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
onward,
T

With music on a radio
which is on a bookcase
which is in a living room
which is in an apartment
on a hilly street in a city
in a country on a planet
in a galaxy
in a universe
that is more or less
empty

worried
for my own recovery
from a stroke
from a second stroke
from a third stroke
from a tumor
within my chest
from glaucoma
within my eyes
from chronic weight imbalances
from aging
from embracing an end
from falling into
empty

worried
for my own recovery
from depression
from guilt
from sadness multiplied by guilt
from rage disguised as
empty

knowing there is
another world
out there
another world only
a razor blade away
another world only
a fistful of pills away
another world only
this one will be
empty

I have not been this
empty
before
Never seen my way so clear
Never seen my way so perfectly
lined against a ocean
neither stormy nor calm
I am neither stormy nor calm
myself
I am resigned
I will have resigned
from a job
I did not ask for
from a career
that tugged me and nudged me this way and that
from a life
as full of joy and pain as this one has brought me
from this life
of opposing forces
I surrender to
one final
hearing of this song
one final
toe tap imperfectly rendered
one final
nodding ragged and timely to its rhythm
I shut the radio down after uttering
in English
an imperfect rendering
of Nunc Dimittis
after looking it up
and getting it
still uncertainly enough
with no confidence that I got it right
much as my heart looses its last load
into me and
becomes
empty

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
T