Tag Archives: meditations

Listing

The first step is to take the list out of its resting place in an old fashioned desktop tray of dark wood which sits to one side of where one would normally place what they were writing. Writing comes second. Comes after the list. Lists of any sort must come first. 

As one goes over the list, checking off (with small relief) boxes of those items which are complete and fretting over incompletions and forgotten or delayed or avoided ones, one begins to think of what should be next on the desktop; what should be centered after the work of checking items on the list and becoming desperate over that which is left unchecked is complete. 

One begins to make another list of writing needed for one’s ultimate completion. One then goes back and adds the monitoring of this list to the first list. One must be sure to add the second list to the inbox. And now there are two — the list of things to do before writing, and the list of things to write once you begin to write. 

One’s pen has become now empty of ink. One should add getting ink, or choosing new pens, or thinking about pencils over pens (one now needs a new list of pros and cons) and what of using a typewriter versus a computer? Making a new list now: writing instruments, technology…the lists must have formal titles.  One needs the skill of titling to become a writer. Are there tools, are there workshops, are there blog posts and opinions — fountain pen or ball point, Mac or PC? What of using a gerund in the title? What of the capitalization and punctuation wars? 

The second step is to die with lists upon lists to be shoveled into one’s grave. One will lie upon them for eternity. One will be so comfortable at that point. One will sleep very well on the pile of intention — so soft, like feather snow, like words one never pronounced but only dreamed of inventing for others to marvel over and snuggle with.


Toy Chest

Whatever I lose today
will likely end up in my toy chest
from childhood. I don’t know
where that is, either.

It was built like
a bench with a back
so perhaps someone’s sitting on it
and that’s why I can’t find it. 

It was built to be subsequent furniture
so you could stuff it
with items other than toys
when childhood ended.

But I never took the toys out of it
and I suspect that it has been overfilled
with later playthings over time.
Not even a majority

of what’s in my missing toy chest
was put there by me. It was
a vacuum sucking up what I thought I loved,
or should at least cling to for life. 

Whatever I lose or have lost
from words to sensations
to longings will be there. If I find it
I’ll spend some time rummaging through

to see what I want
to keep or can recall
how to play with them, remember
why I wanted to hold onto them.

To see if I recognize them,
can call them by name,
still care for them
if I ever truly did. 


Missing the Funeral

There are cuffs sticking too far out of suit jackets, muted floral print dresses that have not been worn in a short while, and murmuring about causes and effects. Now and then, an out of place laugh.

Someone steps up and speaks to the now-seated mourners. All the well-styled messages, all the bowed heads; then the getting up to go home or to the reception hall to set up the ham sandwiches and coffee, while others go on to the cemetery to check off that detail of obligation.

Somewhere else is someone else who, still ignorant of the event, is working, sleeping, fucking, fighting, or flying home to where they’ll get the news of the Passing once they’ve landed.

They will tell everyone they wish they could have been there.  

In private, once they are alone or flying back, they will be glad they were not. They no longer have the right clothes for that kind of event. The right taste in catering, or in God-talk.


Tunnel Vision

What I see ahead is condensed to a pinpoint. Tunnel vision, but so much more narrow. Bright all around except at the end of the tunnel and there at the end, a massive darkness. Not that I would call what’s all around me now as I head into it is fully lit. More like a haze from a fire. All around the dark point at the end is dim light that is only bright by comparison.  

“Everyone is fighting a battle you cannot see,” says a poster quoting fifteen different people. Everyone’s battle is out there in the haze you cannot penetrate. Light’s useless. Sound matters and everyone’s battle sounds like bad pop music from this end of the tunnel. 

What I see ahead is a gun barrel in the guerrilla night. I’m traveling down through it. Looking forward to roar upon exit, and then silence. Looking forward to full light. The tunnel expanding in a rush to a landscape. Everyone at war but for a few.

I go into the unblinding as if I’m now a stone tumbling in rapids along a hard bed. Who can say how smooth this will make me?  All the polishing, the wearing down until I myself become a point.

A light at a tunnel’s end. Now-brilliant haze all around.

Sounds of battle becoming dance. 


Immigrants

It took them a long hard time
to get from elsewhere to here.
It could have been from anywhere

but you should ask them 
where it was and
what it was like there.

You should know; 
you should not negate it, diminish it,
or assume they want to forget.

There are differences
between Montevideo, Tegucigalpa,
Talinn, Lviv.

Do not assume
they are interchangeable.
Do not assume they forget

once they arrive. Forgetting 
is up to them, their children,
their grandchildren. 

Look at the state of
the country. You
haven’t forgotten;

your people 
didn’t forget. Haven’t yet.
Built a new world based on

their old world. Now
it’s their turn to do the same,
and all the whining

and gunfire
you can muster
won’t make it stop.


Happy New Year

Once more
around the sun;
please keep
your windows open
to hear
all the shouting.

I promise,
there will be
as much
as last year.

In fact
there will be 
more. If only
you’d stopped
to hear it
even once
this last year,
it might
have been different:
too late now.
This year
might already be
too late. 
We shall see.

So: go
with open windows
into it,
and listen for
the wailing,
the crying out.
Maybe even
commit to getting
out of
the car and
helping once
in a while?

It couldn’t hurt
to step into it
now and again 
and try to help.
To at least
act like we care,

to at least
do something different, anything
other than driving by 
with the windows up
like it doesn’t matter.
to us — 
as we did last year.
As we do.


There’s No Jesus Here, I Swear

Think there’s any Jesus
in the poem? Trust me:
there’s not.

Jesus is staying away from this
the way that once upon a time the fish 
on either side of the Red Sea learned to avoid 

their former space in the divided waters,
no matter how they longed to be
with their loved ones on the other side.

The dry land between them,
the lane of separation and escape,
offered them nothing while it offered others 

everything. But don’t assume
there’s any Moses
in this or any of my poems.

Deliverance is for the future
and this poem
is in the moment.

No Jesus, no Moses.
Just you and the fish
wondering what’s happening.

Me too, friend.  Me too.
All this Biblical stuff,
the walls of water on either side.

Whose poem do you want it to be?
It won’t be the one I wrote.
Whoever you find there sneaked in

when I wasn’t looking, I swear.
You know how water distorts.
Those fish could be anyone.  

Don’t be fooled. 
That’s how I wrote it.
Anyone could be in here.


Clumsy Blues

When the cat
at last stepped out from under
the bed covers,
she came first
to the dry food dishes
in the border land between
pantry and kitchen,

then into the living room
with half-lidded eyes;
sat down smack in the middle
of the grey rug
looking for all the world
like a reluctant barroom audience

as I picked with
recovering skills 
at the Telecaster
not long ago set aside
for my illness,
my wrecked ability;
only recently taken up again
to bat around
as a cat might play with 
doomed prey.

Unimpressed,
she turned back
to the bedcovers to dream
of blues I’ll never play again —

not in this, the eighth
of my alleged nine lives
that is also the sixth
of hers, that is the last one
of someone else’s allotted haul.

All of this is to say
that when I sit back now,
I sit at my leisure
knowing I’ve not much longer to play.
This cat who will outlast
my last poor song 
can stay under the blanket.
I’ll be there as well before too long,
thinking:

Let me sleep for now.
I’ll be satisfied one day soon.
I’ll have had enough of these clumsy blues.
I’ll set the guitar down for good.


Baked

Sometimes
the dough is perfect.

Other times
it is baked broken

without anyone
being able to tell.

And at times it is obvious 
before the oven reaches full heat

that nothing can save 
this one.  

In the first instance,
the bread is perfection.

In the third 
the bread is aborted before baking. 

As for the second?
Think about all of 

the people you’ve met
and you will understand

why sometimes
after a conversation

you find a taste 
of their mold in your mouth.

What do you
bring to the table?  


At A Solstice Party

At a solstice party
we were all asked
if we wanted
to purge ourselves
of last year, manifest
intentions for this year,
or both; invited us
to write these
on slips of paper, fold them,
and cast them into
the fire pit’s flames.

At a solstice party
I thought long and hard
and I wrote something on
a slip of paper, folded it,
thought long and hard after I did;
then I did as I was told
and cast it into the flames.

I will not tell you
which I wrote.
I barely told myself
and I really can’t remember
and it isn’t that important,
at any rate.  

What is important — 
something about such rituals;

something about
erasure and creation
hand in hand
jumping over coals, about
prayers tunneling into smoke
and coming out into clean air.

At a solstice party — 
freezing, burning,
then freezing again;
how we move in the world,
how it moves in us.


In The Hills Above The Village In A Dream

Woke up — perhaps I dreamed this?
I found myself outside at daybreak
in a village I did not know.

I asked a woman I met
carrying her daily water back
from a fountain,

tell me: who is shooting at us
from the hills above this village?
I know I heard the guns.

Before the shooting gets much closer;
before you have to drop your water;
before they spill your blood

let me take you by the hand.
You could flee this angry land
and go to where there are no guns.

Do you know this place, she asked?
Can you name it, offer a map?
I will go there myself when I am able.

Just tell me
where it is — 
and then I woke up

having said nothing
of such a place
to her.

Perhaps I dreamed the name too?
Perhaps I never knew. Perhaps
there is no place like that. 

It seems that I’ve had
this dream before,
and more than once.

It may be
that I have forever offered
such false hope.


Homecoming

You are late. You are not.
Call this hour what you want.
Either way, you must be on time.

This is how it has always felt
when you know you have come home.
It’s been too long, or not nearly long enough.

It was just long enough for you
to miss the taste of this tap water.
To have forgotten how old the pipes are

in this city, in this place.
You were thirsty enough to hope
rust and scale could quench your thirst.

One gulp from the same old tumbler
you’ve always used, taken down
from the faded cabinet where it rests

between visits, is enough
for you, this time. Rinse 
the glass, turn your back,

turn the knob, and go back
to the road. To wherever
is next.

Perhaps this is the last time
you will ever come home. Perhaps not.
You don’t get to know

now. You can only know that
by going. By going out
to other places. By going

anywhere else.
You do understand
the thirst you feel at once

upon leaving but
you do have to go to feel it
and you know

you are one of those
who were born
to feel it, so off you must go.


Prediction

Imagine yourself
among white sparks
coming off a grinding wheel.

You fly off, then vanish.
Just a byproduct
of loss in the name

of honing an edge.
What do you think
will be left behind?

It can cut. It can
let blood. I suppose 
it has its own gleam of 

beauty and a sheen
of crafter’s skill. You 
will be gone by the time

it is finished
and you feel
you deserve 

neither honor nor blame
for what comes next — so,
based on how quickly

you escape consequences,
you are probably
American through and through.


Untouched

What you claimed to feel
was empathy.
What you truly felt
was irritation. 

How dare the news intrude
with bombs and othered misery
upon that safety you’ve
been building? 

You do feel a little ashamed
at this self-interest,
but you are pleased 
that you have stopped briefly

to consider others
you will never meet.
People you will never 
be. Lives you are certain

will not touch yours.
This is why your people
migrated here, after all:
to be untouched by others.


Still Life With Cat And Blanket

Morning work:
cat kneading on
its daily blanket,
now and then
anguished or delighted
but finally completed
work from me.

If no one ever
sees any of this I know
at least one cat
is happy.  The blanket 
might not know it
but it has played its part
as well as it always has.

As for me: what do I call
the feeling when some work 
of mine is complete
and it was misery,
it was ecstasy or outrage
or all three and more beside:
or more to the point
what do I call the feeling
of it possibly being
the Last or nearly
the Last One?

The cat is content,
and the blanket just is.
I’m driven to keep going
into their space and then
getting up and going
elsewhere into the day
without ever knowing if tomorrow
will be the same. 

Who will read this poem of blanket and cat,
anyway? Why should such compulsion
drive me? Am I the cat, 
simply assuming each day will be the same?
Or am I the blanket,
there when the routine is not my own?
Are all of us just the means
to a still-unknown end?