Tag Archives: meditations

Hungry For Light

Hunched before my keyboard, trying.

This is how I live: waking up
hungry for light after swimming
all night through healing dark,
then trying to explain to you 
how that hunger keeps me alive.

When I say “trying to explain
to you…” I am not speaking to “you”
of course, but to a “you” beyond
any of us. You are welcome
to the conversation, but it is not
meant for you specifically…so…

unless I have erred, and you were
there in the dark stream of my night
without my knowing? If it is you
the work is meant for, speak up:
I will raise my eyes from this work
and look to you directly as you
know my core and the words
will likely just obscure it. 

We who wake up hungry for light
understand this: that the words,
the long strings of words we troll out
from our lonely rooms, are just
invitations to a table
that is set for a feast.


The Story Of A Painting

Once upon a time

a painter stole a canvas
from some people he met
and painted over their work
in flat white. 

Forced some other people
to help paint over it,
painted some parts 
himself…and here it is.

It’s not all terrible. Some parts
are sublime in fact. But a lot of it is dreck and
some parts are just OK. How you feel about it
depends on how far back you stand.

Inadvertently, it’s high concept
and interesting. Execution is 
imperfect and inconsistent. It’s
insistent and overdrawn and

it’s all compounded by having 
a terrible frame. Currently it hangs
on a wall that’s on fire. Flames loud 
as a band — some say it sounds like

NWA, some say it sounds like 
Lee Greenwood. It just sounds like 
fire to most who see it, though some
just like closing their ears 

and warming their hands before it
while staring at their favorite parts —
this perfect flower, that lovely flag —
while thinking about 

happily ever after.


An Explanation

Whiny
you say
They’re whiny
Sore losers
They should stop whining 
They lost

You are mistaken
No one’s whining

You don’t understand the difference
because 
your own voice
is all you are used to hearing
and you do
a butt-load of whining
about how precious you are
and about being told you 
no longer should be
so precious considering
your pedestal
rests unsteadily on 
bones

What you are hearing
is not whining

Is keening for
what has died and
for what may yet die

followed by
a war cry


The Blessing, The Way

Pain and Despair
stand face to face
cradling you
between them

until you slip 
from their arms
to the earth 
at their feet
and shed their 
embrace.

This is a blessing:
letting go and falling
into the Way, removing
oneself from them,
even as they try 
to hold you harder.

The Way is to 
drop away from
their hard faces.
Never let them
hold you in their gaze.
Never let them
stare you down. 
Instead, close your eyes —

land soft, feel 
the beating heart
of your Mother.


Slowly Lying Down

Slowly 
lying down as if there were
long unconscious hours ahead and
not such short time
before necessary waking.

Head
upon pillow as if nothing
has changed at all and 
daybreak will bring just another
round of work and play.

Heavy 
eyelids closing as if there were
no fires burning and no one
screaming for rescue as their roof
tumbles in upon them.

You don’t recognize
this slothful self.
You don’t recognize
this frightened, frozen
self who hears and sees
all this yet decides
to crawl into bed
and fall into such 
an evil sleep

that when you wake
you aren’t even sure
that you should
be allowed to continue
to use your own name
in polite company, you’ve
stained it so.


Frogs (Sprung)

When I was a boy I walked often
to a pond near my house that was full with debris
and car parts and dark water and duck weed
and frogs who made a deep “sprung” noise
at intervals.

Later on I built a shelter not far from there
with a small fire-pit and I’d sneak away at night
to drink or smoke by myself when I hated people
and I’d listen to the “sprung” noises of the bullfrogs
going on all night.

I am often afraid as an adult to open my eyes
right before dawn or at any time really 
because I spend so much time listening to those frogs
going “sprung-sprung-sprung” in my head
wherever I am.

It is at its worst when I dwell too long in places
that remind me of the oil-shine and stink of the water
in that little pond, really no more than a drain-off
from who knows what past failed industry, thick with
the “sprung” of poisoned bullfrogs.

I expect one day a frog will leap out of there and into
my hands and take over their function and instead
of writing or kneading bread or making a guitar work
some magic they will turn reeking and oily and from them
will issue a “sprung” sound

as I shove a gun into my mouth.


Our Dragon

Originally posted as “Crisis” in 2009.  

We claimed
we didn’t know anything
about how this would be
right up to the day
the dragon we had been
feeding for ages,
whose back had been
humping up 
the earth
like a monstrous gopher
for as long as we could recall,
the one whose eyes like star sapphires
had dazzled us into long inaction;
until the day the dragon rose into
full view demanding our firstborn,
our second-born, 
demanding to be
slaked and satisfied 
with our legacies;
demanding everything and nothing explicit
because his sheer sudden command
of the common sky 
told us all
we needed to know then and evermore;
and then we ran about like cinders jerking crazily
in the general cloud of destruction, becoming
sparks that vanished even as we flew
lost in the heat of a moment
we’d known was coming for years
and yet had denied as easily as any other god
we’d ever taken on casual terms.
Of course, since we had made this one
ourselves, 
we still believed
we could remake it
right up to the second
that we fell, consumed,
back to the black ground
to enrich the soil for
whatever folly 
would follow us.


Crisis

I want most right now to stroll
within my own stopped life
and examine what’s in it.
I want my life to become
a museum of itself. Put all 
my relations and friends
in it and think about them 
as they magically stand
absolutely still and still alive.
And do not think for one second
that I consider myself exempt
from such exhibition. I want
to stare at me seated there
in my diorama on my couch
or in my bed and ask every 
grand question I can think of
until I figure me out. This is 
how a near death experience
or astral travel is sometimes
described of course. I do not
believe in astral travel and 
as for being near death that is
nothing new. I have been living
near death for a long time and
this has never happened. It has
always been a fast jumble
with no time to look at anything
very long. What I want is
suspended animation as it is
in science fiction movies where
living simply stops for a second.
Everyone stopped. Everything 
stopped but me while I decide
whether or not I am going 
to step out of frame and not
return to this exhibit and instead
slip at last past death and 
keep going to whatever kinetic
wilderness beckons beyond.


Predation

Predation is 
a lovely thing.

Efficient and
sweet on the tongue.

If a predator
becomes prey, 

no matter as the meat 
is no less sweet.

You aren’t used to it,
at all — this sense 

of being stalked.
This sense of 

teeth behind you
glistening. 

Welcome to 
how it is

for most. As it has been
for those who’ve long lived

ahead of you and
your teeth.  You never

thought of yourself
as a predator and

thinking like prey
doesn’t come any easier —

those have never been
your terms. Welcome, then,

to the new dictionary
of how you are going to have

to survive. Learn 
predator, prey, consumer,

consumption, product, 
commodity. Learn

escape, camouflage, 
resistance, flight,

fight, fight or flight.
Learn or die. Remember

that you started this
and were oblivious

to how it worked
for a long time. Try to forget

how sweet it tasted.
Try to taste, instead, the fear

in the meat you used to savor.
Taste it on your own lips.


The Sickness

How many of us — 
sick as bees,
ill defenders of our rumpled peace,
remotely disordered dancers on the edge
of our doctors’ scalpels —

how many of us there must be 
who’ve learned to take our diseases as
strictly personal, all our own doing;

how many there must be 
who cannot see how we
are obvious medals
on a bad society’s lapels.

No one wants us to know —
they tell us to hide
and drug us into exile —
they paint us into
suicide corners
and fictionalize us into
television monsters —
they keep us from each other —

because of 
what we could tell
them about themselves
and how we got here
with their help, with their
God’s help, with their
permission and
their need for us —

first as
steam valves
hissing off pressure,
then as
spillways for their junk,
finally as
scapegoats turned loose
in their parched deserts

to ramble.
Don’t we ramble, though;
don’t we wander
outside their walls.
Their walls that
hold them in so
tightly.  We might be sick

but we’re free. It counts
for something
as long as they don’t kill us
while discounting it.


The Couch

“I’m beginning to lose faith 
in this nation,” they said. 

I am struck by the word
“beginning.”  Tells me much

about how comfortable it has been
for some to keep the faith.

Conjures up a couch made of 
faith, upholstered in red, white, and blue.

As for me: I’ve long had no solid faith
in the nation.  It’s a nation,

after all. It does what they all do
and it’s never been more than half

on my side to begin with. 
I was never comfortable on that couch.

Always felt it was garish and scratchy.
It’s not large enough

for everyone who wants on, either:
too easy to lose your seat 

if you get off for even a second, 
and sitting on that couch, holding your place,

sinking in, it’s been easy for some
to fall asleep. Some folks never get off,

even if there’s a fire. Maybe beginning
to lose faith isn’t so bad

if it gets them off the couch. Maybe
they could come outside for a bit.  

It’s cold right now but from here,
after all, you get the view.

 


A Question For My Body

My body:

ever-unsleeping
mess of errors and glory; 
my arms slippery from wiping tears;
my legs exposed rebar
in ruined walls.

This body:

physical manifestation of
my urge to look away;
millstone around my proud neck;
refuse, reclamation, refusal.

Any body at all would probably be
a problem for anyone who dwells
as much in their head as I do
but this one, this aged one
I cannot exchange,
this downward slope,
this case study?

I stare into its luminous interior,
a fire consuming me
with minute pains and suspicious
failures too small to treat
and too large to ignore, and say:

fine.  Fine, body:
you are the game piece
I play with and you say
there are rules to be strictly followed now?
Fine, body, fine.

One question though: body,

would it have been different
in any way
if I had been touched
more often
during times when I craved touch
so much I almost wept
without it, or

would it have been different 
in any way
if I had simply loved you more
myself during
those solitary times?

Would we still
be here, burning,
resigned, and 
far too often
awake and aware
of the coming End
in the middle

of the night?


Freedom Highway

Do you think
it’s really OK to sing
the old songs
of revolution

Won’t we just get
discouraged
that they still 
ring true 

Maybe
it would be better
to write and sing
new songs

although
the old ones
still do the job
pretty well

Maybe it is better
that we learn again
what we thought
we’d gotten past

Remind ourselves 
the Enemy
never really died
It just rolled over

Lay there
playing dead
right next to us
in our own beds

Maybe we mix it up
New songs and old ones
Remake a few
for how we sing today

Maybe we rise up
from this poisoned bed
singing whatever we’ve got
As long as we rise

we got this
As long as we sing our way
down Freedom Highway
we got this


It Used To Be Summer

I thought all day about summer
If it were only summer again
Thought about summer and not about work
Grabbed just enough hope to live on

I thought all day about summer sunset
How sunset opens the door to night
I like nighttime as it hides what scares me
All my terrors look worse in daylight

That fear of being part of the crowd
Nameless, faceless, brainless and numb
Stuck thinking all day how it used to be summer
Looking busy and staring at the clock

I keep thinking, if I were only eighteen again
When I knew nothing and everything too
To be eighteen in summer with sunset approaching
Was heaven until I blinked and it passed

No lie, adulthood has been terrible
Traded passion for wisdom and I surely regret it
I keep waiting for sunset to swallow it all
But damned if dawn doesn’t follow every time

With that fear of being part of the crowd
Nameless, faceless, brainless and numb
Stuck thinking all day how it used to be summer
Looking busy, staring at the clock


This Is No Movie

in movies
they show people
in submerged cars

taking last desperate breaths
from a pocket of air
trapped within

red car blue car
they crash
people drown

would it matter to you
whether your death car
was red or blue

if whoever drove it
off that road
not only escaped

but jumped and left you behind?
if this were a movie
I could see why

you might care —
visual impact, style — 
I could see that

if this were a movie