An Actor Prepares

Who would photograph me
more than once
after they realize

that the only pictures
that show me happy
show me onstage?

All other images
make me look as though
I’ve just swallowed a pillar of salt.

Apparently, to fake confidence
in the future,
I require an audience.

My motivation? 
A singular view
of the end of the world,

paralyzed inside me.
In the moment,
I regret it all, blame myself

because I gave up everything
to gain a spotlight in return.  But
that smile you see up there

is genuine, if fleeting.
Stick with that
if you want to look back

at what I’ve done.
No flash, no video. 
Remember me instead:

standing there,
with dark all around,
pretending like mad.