Self-Portrait

mea culpa

for the insincerity born from fear
for the backstabbing born from a desire to be loved by all
for the seductions born from a need for power
for the pigments made by crushing and grinding

mea culpa

mea culpa
for half truths told
because they moved others more
than full truths
for lies and deceptions told
because they were more true
to my self-portrait
mea culpa

mea culpa
for the inadequate activism
mea culpa
for the righteous display of old scars
mea culpa
for my beard’s natural gray
portrayed as worry’s hue

mea culpa
for small murder
mea culpa
for cult fascination
mea culpa
for incessant chatter
mea culpa
for the overdeveloped skill
at smooth blending of brushstrokes
into a false photograph

for my treasured album of someone else’s memories
mea culpa
for the stink of my body unexcused by hard work
mea culpa
for the scornful honor I accord to my lazy fatness
mea culpa
for the image
for the green magic smoke
the red knife
the black black ordinary clothes worn like a difference
mea culpa
mea culpa

for the rough wooden frame around
the gold-swollen artist’s lust in my heart
for the hanger that holds me out from the dirty wall
for the vulgar displays
of the performance enhancing poems
mea culpa

all of me
is my fault

take a knife of your own to me
I will suspend before you
the only thing I’ve got
with which to defend myself

that it all was done for dumb
and not for evil

and
(mea culpa)
even that
is no defense

for I have signed it

M. C.