Daily Archives: August 12, 2008

Self-Portrait

mea culpa

for the insincerity born from fear
for the backstabbing born from a desire to be loved by all
for the seductions born from a need for power
for the pigments made by crushing and grinding

mea culpa

mea culpa
for half truths told
because they moved others more
than full truths
for lies and deceptions told
because they were more true
to my self-portrait
mea culpa

mea culpa
for the inadequate activism
mea culpa
for the righteous display of old scars
mea culpa
for my beard’s natural gray
portrayed as worry’s hue

mea culpa
for small murder
mea culpa
for cult fascination
mea culpa
for incessant chatter
mea culpa
for the overdeveloped skill
at smooth blending of brushstrokes
into a false photograph

for my treasured album of someone else’s memories
mea culpa
for the stink of my body unexcused by hard work
mea culpa
for the scornful honor I accord to my lazy fatness
mea culpa
for the image
for the green magic smoke
the red knife
the black black ordinary clothes worn like a difference
mea culpa
mea culpa

for the rough wooden frame around
the gold-swollen artist’s lust in my heart
for the hanger that holds me out from the dirty wall
for the vulgar displays
of the performance enhancing poems
mea culpa

all of me
is my fault

take a knife of your own to me
I will suspend before you
the only thing I’ve got
with which to defend myself

that it all was done for dumb
and not for evil

and
(mea culpa)
even that
is no defense

for I have signed it

M. C.


NPS recaps, Bar 13, and the sickness

— Reading the explosion of NPS recaps from the last couple of days: I’m glad I didn’t go. It sounds like all the stuff I typically loathe about the event was evident in full force, and would have negated all the stuff I love about it (which also seemed to to be present in full force, to be fair). Personal issue, nothing else. I’m glad you all had a good time, though.

nerak_g: Hey, what do you mean saying that the only musician who should be playing behind a poet is Jerome Deupree??? I’m telling Faro you don’t love him anymore. 😉

— I still wanna know how I made the Tattler three times without being there. And someone BETTER have a copy of that cartoon…

— NPS suggestion for next year? Have it in Tlibisi. I hear there’s less conflict.

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–Never made it to Bar 13 last night. I got to the hotel in White Plains Sunday night much later than expected, had a lot of trouble sleeping, got up at 5:30 and then ran an extremely long and frustrating day of training on Monday, got sick early in the AM which lasted all day (as in, my session ended up with more bathroom breaks than any other), and by the time we were done, I was just too tired and crappy inside to contemplate driving into the city, seeing everyone, and then making a late night drive home. So I just went home and crashed. The right decision — I’m much better today.

So sorry, louderARTS. Another time. I really wanted to read the new poem, “Witness Tree,” there since I wrote it for the bravery challenge, but it will have to wait for another time.

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javabill — got your call while I was on the Merritt Parkway, and couldn’t return the call due to the traffic and the cops. Will talk to you tonight if you’re around — maybe come up for a coffee and some ferret time?

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Maybe more later, maybe not. I’m kinda tired of LJ these days, frankly.