All purpose responses:

Apply as needed.

1. Fuck off.
2. Thanks!
3. Fucking people.
4. Chill, (insert singular or plural gender-appropriate term of endearment).
5. Shut up! No way!
6. Well, it never did that for me.
7. I blame (insert politician of choice).
8. In the long run, isn’t that what it’s all about?
9. I love you, no matter what you do!
10. It was in the bottom drawer of the old bloodstained chest in the abbatoir, last time I looked.

Feel free to add your own!