I do not understand how, in spite of years of therapy, meds, and general self-awareness of my faults, foibles, and characteristics, I can still be such a jerk sometimes.

How does one break the habits of a lifetime? When do we truly understand what is habit, what is biology, what is culture and what is ingrained, and how do we ever learn to compensate for what we can and learn to live with what we can’t?

Everytime I get this way I look at myself and see a weak, weak man who has caused more damage to himself and others than can be stomached. I’m not a bad guy, I tell myself, and then I look into myself again and decide that I have no clue about whether I’m a bad guy or not.

People will say that we’re all a mix of things, and I know somehow that’s true; but in the daily course, things seem to play out more often one way or another.

There comes a point when one can no longer hide the fact of one’s own emotional and spiritual decrepitude; but what you do then, I think, is immaterial to the balance of your legacy. In other words, it’s all too little too late.