now i’m coughing up blood.

i think of this as progress, since i wasn’t coughing up anything earlier.

just waiting for the lungs, now. i figure once they’re out i’ll feel 100% better.

taking ambien, then going to bed.

EDIT TO ABOVE:

For all my concerned friends…thank you.

Here’s what’s happening…I’m seeing a lot of pink with some brighter spots of red. It’s not every time I cough, and I have to say these coughs have been BRUTAL — the least exertion will bring them on, including talking, rolling over in bed, or benchpressing a refrigerator.

My sense is that if i see it get worse i’ll do something, because i think it’s likely a result of two days of vicious coughing. right now, i’m letting it ride.

I will keep you posted if i make a different decision.

T

the compulsion to update here when there is really nothing to say is amusing.

i have spent most of the day sick in bed with the exception of getting up to watch “Spirited Away” earlier when i was feeling really sick from lack of food. all i’ve had today is a bowl of cereal.

the movie was pretty good.

now i’ve said almost everything there is to say about the occurrences of my day.

are you not entertained?

slept all day, hydrated, and still feel like CRAP.

if anything i feel worse.

ugh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

awful poetry doesn’t bother me. awful poetry that gets defended as “sincere” or “important” without regard to its craptastic nature does.

i just read a couple of poems at gotpoetry.com that made my head bleed. i think i’d like to say something, because i think the guy has some talent; but i expect to be ignored. maybe that’s just my crap going on as opposed to his. still gotta think about how to do it.

if you want a peek, go to “http://www.gotpoetry.com”, hit the forums, and take a look at poems by (cough cough) “ELEMENTS OF UIZM.”

sigh.

someone explain to me how i go from feeling great to terrible in five hours.

coughing, fever, body aches.

dammit.

blue_thundering. May you receive all you hope for in the coming year.

if you go to http://www.cnn.com and look at the “MORE NEWS” section, you will see a video link entitled:

“Watch Husband, 99 and Wife, 87, run from wildfire.”

i am surprised this didn’t appear in the sports pages with billing like that.

thinking of several options:

1. the words “rise above” on my heart.

2. the words “join together” on my heart.

3. the words “rise above” and “join together” tattooed, one phrase on my back, one on my chest, with links of a chain on etiher side of each phrase, as well as links of a chain added to either side of my current tattoos, the word “mestizo” on my left arm and the word “poet” on my right, to symbolize the linkage of these concepts in my life.

4. the words “take your pain up front” tattooed upon my right forearm.

5. the words “leap and the net will appear” tattooed upon my left forearm.

6. a picture of Taz on my inner right thigh. along with an american flag. and an anchor. and your name.

any thoughts? i’m a word guy all the way, so the fewer images, the better.

our necks are on the line
for our
roustabout politics
demotic art
scarred and willful affairs

but in a morning from a reagan movie
we refuse to give up

we open doors and toss
condoms into the yard
watch the cameras flash
we open doors and toss
the empty baggie into the yard
watch the dogs attack

we could run for hours with such dogs behind us

if men can kiss men in public
and settle into the unseen cross hairs
they shall
if amazon women can do the same with amazon women
they shall
this is the manifesto of the wrongful life

we will wake up and put the fear of no god
into them
we will hold a rave for jesus
offer a novel approach to public oral sexual favors
but never grant a lobbyist access

i will personally drop and give a thousand petals
of some flower no one recalls the name of
even though it grows everywhere

push back
stretch your neck out
paint the line on it for them
paint it in the brightest color you can find
let the sword fall
we are better off headless in the presence
of such talk as they offer

and lover i will wake up and see you
regardless of where my eyes are turned
this is the nature of this war
that our soldiers live grander lives
than the enemy army does

because our lives are the weapon we have chosen

can’t sleep.

at all.

need something less drastic than ambien. thinking bourbon.

boy, am i unemployed this morning.

hey, this station
just played bob seger
and funkadelic
back to back.

i think
my suburban childhood
just melted
like snow on asphalt.

of poems from LJ to a Word file.

40 poems from Sept. 8 to Dec. 29.

probably 10 good to go keepers outta that, another 20 that need more or less work, and 10 headed for oblivion. perfect bell curve.

of the keepers…8-9 good, 1-2 better than good.

i am nothing if not consistently ruthless in my analysis of my work. I think that’s a pretty good percentage.

there is a station in boston, WERS, run by Emerson College, that has a great jazz program on from 10-2 everyday…very eclectic, very open to many subgenres, and very willing to play old stuff alongside brand-new stuff. i dig it.

however, it is run by student DJs so the depth of knowledge about what they are playing is sometimes a tad shaky.

so when the DJ just now announced that the last song was by “DeAngelo Rinehat”, i was only mildly surprised.

headache. went home early from slam. who won?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

talking intelligently about race in america is damn near impossible.

the easiest way i can explain my feelings about the topic is to say that until we get past the institutional bias that “white” equals “normal” and that the ideal way of developing a tolerant and accepting society is to be “color-blind,” we will NEVER get it right.

my mother is white, my father is not. because of how i look, i don’t get treated as a person of color. however, i do not feel “honored” to be therefore included in the “white” category by default, which is why i actively and vociferously deny my “whiteness” as often and as loudly as i can.

i’ve seen enough baffled reactions from people who hear me say this that it becomes clear that the subtext is, “well, that’s not REALLY the same as being biracial…”

oh, but it is. head to a reservation, go talk to someone who went to one of the residential schools, go chat with Leonard Peltier — trust me, that experience is one of oppression for difference. i may not have seen much of it myself, but i lived with a father who did. i grew up in a family where race issues were the perpetual subtext of family gatherings, etc. despite outward appearances, my childhood experience was not a “white” experience, not was it a “Native” experience. it blended both into something else.

i get treated as though i am “white” although i am not, until i refuse the title, then i am either treated as “the other” or my claim of “otherness” is rejected by those who say “Oh, cool, my grandmother was Cherokee” (they seldom know that this is so often a code word in a family for an African ancestor) or who take it one step further by saying, “Oh, that’s ok” — thanks for letting me into the club…

sigh.

i’m on a tear about this tonight for a number of reasons…none of which on their own matter that much…

my end statements: “race” is a major social construct based in a minor biological variation. on its own, the variation is meaningless. in its role as social construct, it is the thread that holds America together. change the meaning of race in this country, you change the country profoundly.

“color-blind” policies too often reinforce the status quo. in addition, “color-blindness” is essentially dishonest; it negates a critical aspect of who a person is — not as much in terms of intrinsic worth, talent, or skill, but in not recognizing how ethnicity may have affected that person’s approaches to life in general.

race as a social construct has barely shifted in this country, overall, since Reconstruction. (Yes, Reconstruction.) no one will attack the problem of institutionalized racial prejudice in this country because it can’t be done without completely altering the power structure.

there is another observation to be made here, but i will wait until the firestorm has subsided over this outburst.