good god, y’all

i need a war

give me a uniform
a cadence and an order

let me go
somewhere without prayers
with a brave companion

i need a weapon
a mission
an enemy

i need to fall before
a storm of enemy bullets
or a stray friendly one
for being at peace is terrifying
being alone is terrifying
being this is terrifying

i can subsume myself by being in conflict
i can call myself soldier
tell myself war is peace

but i can’t yet stand this
the thing done
the end established
the road mapped
the truce declared
the mirror clean and clear