slept till noon again

for me, the hardest part of being mentally ill is the obsessive monitoring of every detail of my life, every tiny aberration from the “norm,” to see if it portends a breakdown or episode.

i think sometimes that it does me more harm than the episodes themselves. it’s so tiring.

i despair of ever feeling relaxed again. i worry myself into a state of disrepair that every word and gesture are signs of dysfunction, and that one day i’ll finally drive everyone i love away from sheer exasperation with me.

i’m not depressed right now — just tired of being myself with no hope of ever being otherwise.