for me, the hardest part of being mentally ill is the obsessive monitoring of every detail of my life, every tiny aberration from the “norm,” to see if it portends a breakdown or episode.

i think sometimes that it does me more harm than the episodes themselves. it’s so tiring.

i despair of ever feeling relaxed again. i worry myself into a state of disrepair that every word and gesture are signs of dysfunction, and that one day i’ll finally drive everyone i love away from sheer exasperation with me.

i’m not depressed right now — just tired of being myself with no hope of ever being otherwise.

in which i rise and sleep alternately, leads to bizarre repetitive practices.

such as the checking and rechecking of news from the bbc via rss feed.

finding this item there, i went to cnn to see what they had to say and found a more complete story, so here it is:

http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/09/24/fbi.puerto.rico.ap/index.html

i confess, i did not recognize the name. i usually keep track of this stuff, but i am shamefully unschooled on the nationalist movement in Puerto Rico.

i shall remedy that.

back to slumber, then…