I was reading an interview earlier with an artist named Richard Tuttle who mentioned a topic I’ve thought about often — the idea of permission; the idea being that for most artists, one or more people in the course of your life give you “permission” to be an artist — they provide you the space, the advice, the love, the example, whatever, that allows you to chase your particular dragon.

You may have more than one over a lifetime, but there’s usually a primary one somewhere back in time who cut you loose and said, in some way, “go.”

Mine was a student teacher named Jack Halacy who introduced me to Robert Bly and Etheridge Knight (literally, not just on page) when I was fourteen, and who wasn’t afraid to say that something I wrote was bullshit because he knew I had it in me to keep at it, even at that age.

Who gave you permission?

Same Sex Marriage in MA!!!!

Wow. Nothing awful happened. Straight marriage is intact…at least, as intact as it ever was.

Ho hum…and isn’t that the point?

Just found out one of my classmates had surgery this week for just-diagnosed breast cancer. Ah, it’s a bitch of a world, ain’t it?

Nelly’s a sweetheart, of course. She swears she’ll be back for June’s session. I believe her.

In other news, Icchus (the big male cat) is using the fax machine as we speak. That’s not surprising, I guess. It’s the fact that he’s programmed his own speed dial presets that gets me.

(It’s got nothing to do with NIN, by the way.)

I have what feels to be the beginning of a sustained good mood going.

Shhhh…don’t want to scare it off.

*************************************************

I’m digging more and more on the new Springsteen album.

You must know that I was a hardcore Bruce fan for years, all the way back to the first couple of albums; the first tour I saw was the infamous “Darkness” tour, and I caught shows on tours all the way through Human Touch; plus the Amnesty Tour shows in Philly.

Then the tix got too pricey.

I’ve also been a bit weirded out that the NJ scruffbag we used to follow became the elder statesman, all that heavy philosophy, etc.

(I liked “The Rising” because of what it was — I know a lot of people didn’t, but I will confess that personally, it did help. A bit. I think people forgot who it was written for.)

But “Devils and Dust?” Put it like this: I could see Bruce and Steve Earle touring together really easily with this material. Lots of Dobro, fiddle, and classic folkie arrangements. Good lyrics, some of the best he’s ever done. (Some of the dirtiest, too…example: RENO.)

Anyway, the punk comes out and says it: I’m a Bruce fan again. Dammit.

Went to bed, realized I’d forgotten to take my pills, got up again, now I’m up.

Grr. I repeat, Grr.

the thing is, i think i’d be dead right now if it wasn’t for the whole permanence and messiness of it.

i really like that whole three days in the grave thing. i suppose i could go for a long weekend in haverhill, and that would be similar.

seriously: not happy right now. hope this helps.

1. joined the national bone marrow donor registry today. can’t donate if i’m dead with this one.

2. although rain was predicted, it did not rain. it’s sunny right now.

3. all cats are healthy, and shots are now up to date. they also don’t hate me too much.

4. dug out my old exercise bike and brought it to my dad to use. he just had knee replacement surgery.

5. last few poems did not suck. (edited to reduce qualification)

6. i’m off the most debilitating of my meds, seroquel, for a test period.

7. my mockingbird is back for the fifth year in a row.

8. i’m home alone working on a paper. i’m back in college, and i’m keeping up.

9. i have incense lit and feel like a friggin hippie and don’t care.

10. i don’t feel that naming these things is an invitation to have them disappear. at least, not this minute. i’ll take this minute.

(thanks, d, for the inspiration.)

What his body said
when they picked him up
after he fell
was that he was broken,
not referring to a leg or an arm,
but to a whole man.

I don’t know how we never realized that before.
You could see the cracks
from way off. It’s just that
none of us thought they went all the way through,
and they looked old and almost
watertight anyway.

The only safe place to stand
when looking at guns
is to one side.

When I look into
your eyes, I see gunbarrels,
and I am trying to discover
what it would take
to move that trigger.

If you close your eyes and someone says,
“Imagine you’re looking down a gun barrel,”
which end do you see
when you open your eyes?
I see your face. I see
wonders and dangers. I see
they may kill me,
but that there’s also a chance of resting my head
for a moment, a day, a whole
heaven of smoke and circumstance.

I have no idea what you want.
I’m not sure if I should ask you.
I only know there’s a whiff of black powder in the air.

Black powder guns hang fire far too often,
and blow up in their lovers’ arms.
You might think they’d be obsolete by now,
but there are those
who cannot let things go, and
that’s the way I feel tonight. That’s why
every time you blink, I shiver. Every time you move,
I freeze. Every time our eyes meet,
I pray for the strength to fire back.

last night’s session was rough.

I feel very odd — disassociated.

If I owe you e-mail, etc, you may have to wait a bit. I’m kinda going to settle and think a few days. May stay away from the PC.

Nonetheless, many thanks for the way it feels to be connected to something larger than I am.

Are You A Republican?

to all of you for your observations/experiences re Asperger’s syndrome.

I teach the company’s diversity/inclusion/let’s all play nice classes (yeah, but I teach them my way, he he he…) and this was the first time I ever ran into someone who self-identified this right off the bat.

Interesting guy — smart as hell, huge head for numbers and statistics, lives on his own two hours away from work. In the first activity, introduced himself as “from a lower socioeconomic stratum, holder of a master’s degree in sociology with a concentration in statistics and surveys, and I have a neurocognitive disorder known as Asperger’s syndrome, which includes my having trouble with nonverbal social cues.”

Most people, of course, simply mention their new puppies, but I digress.

Contributed a lot during the session. Afterwards, approached me to find out if there were any social support networks at work for people with disabilities. (There aren’t. I’ve been trying to get someone interested in this idea for years. Figure I’ve found an ally.)

Oh, and where does our master’s degree holding friend work? In the mailroom. I was surprised. Bears looking into, hm? (He likes it, by the way — loves the sorting and categorizing.) He says he has understandable trouble getting through interviews.

Anyway, thank you again…will keep you posted if I turn up anything interesting or distressing…

In other news…don’t forget SPEAK tomorrow night (Wednesday). I’ll actually be there! The theme is “blue.”

Spent some time today talking with a guy at work who has it.

Fascinating conversation.

Anyone got any experience with it who wouldn’t mind sharing about it?

as in, here’s what’s been up over the weekend.

1. Finished the paper.
2. Did the Mother’s Day things.
3. Installed DSL on my uncle’s computer.
4. Went to the slam on Sunday. Observations:

a. There is still great poetry in Worcester.
b. There is still great poetry in the slam.
c. There are still way too many people younger than I am in there for me to feel comfortable.
d. I thought the results fell out just about right.
e. This is not to say that I thought any one was bad. Not at all.
f. Shira Erlichmann? Great stuff.
g. Gary, April? Best I’ve ever heard them.
h. Bobby’s grown so much over the years.
i. Dave, you were great. ‘Nuff said.
j. Jen was pretty darn good too, and her last poem tore me up. I do not think it was her best poem, but emotionally wrenching.
k. Judges were judges, and overall were consistent within their own scoring. Can’t ask for more than that.

5. I feel better about all this than I have in a while.
6. I still don’t feel great.
7. I started rearranging my schedule today — I’m having surgery at the end of June, nothing serious, a little mobility issue afterwards, might be out of work for three weeks or so. Lots to move.
8. Had to go into Cambridge this morning for a bunch of school related stuff. Felt good to be on campus, walking around…
9. I had sushi for lunch. Our cafeteria at work brings in a sushi chef once a week. I’m blushing as I say it.
10. That’s enough, don’t you think?

The most action this LJ has had lately comes from Dave’s squirrel lust poem.

I’m in the wrong business.

Good slam last night, y’all.

Congrats to all who slammed. You made me regain some of my faith in the poetry of the slam scene.

I’m still shaking my head over “Squirrels”, though.

April — you were terrific. Jen M. was too. I was so thrilled to hear you.

I’m glad I came out.