anymore, anyway.

Lately, some folks have found me a little tough to take — being in a blood mood has made me unpopular, and somewhat suspect, to some folks. I want to explain that a bit.

I don’t talk about this a lot, but I used to be a lot more violent than I am now.

Been in my share of schoolyard and barroom fights, was actually a bit of a bully in my one year of prep school (easy to do as I was a townie day student, and we had it ALL over the preps in terms of cred), and (when I was selling dope) familiar with all sorts of concealable weapons. Most folks who know me know that I typically carry at least one knife to this day; a habit I can’t seem to break without feeling totally vulnerable. (My doctor calls it hypervigilance, if that helps.)

In my early twenties, I worked a part time job as concert security at a couple of large local venues at least in part because it gave me a license to hit people. While doing that job at a Motley Crue concert, I got into a fight with a 15 year old kid and won (of course — I outweighed him by 100 lbs or so and beat the snot out of him) and promptly got sick to my stomach because I realized how much I enjoyed it.

Spectaguard, the agency who ran security, covered up the incident as they always did — these were the same guys whose guard killed a kid at a Dead concert in the Meadowlands, and that was never resolved, as far as I know.

All this was going on precisely while I was involved with groups like Amnesty International, CISPES, and the Green Party charter drive in MA. Such a paradox: all that non violence, all that peace, all that understanding in the face of calculated injustice. Maybe it fed my rage; I’m not sure.

Anyway: it was that incident that made me first go into therapy; first got me started on a course of understanding myself enough to try and ease that rage that I never even knew I had.

I’m not like I used to be; but sometimes, the rage gives me a tinge of red when I’m pressed.

This week has pressed me a lot. And I know I’ve come out swinging.

I don’t know that it won’t happen again; I’m not yet even sure there’s not a place for it in the resistance. (Just being honest here.)

But I do apologize for the tinge so far.

A man has killed himself at Ground Zero, apparently in protest of Bush’s re-election.

An angry mob in North Carolina has vandalized and set fires at GOP headquarters.

These are probably sad coincidences, isolated incidents, random acts of despair.

Of course they are.