OK…a larger revision, focusing the poem more sharply, I hope.
DIALOGUE
I tell her, the time between
late winter and early spring
really takes a toll on my
optimism about sweat equity: you survive
the dark months expecting you’ll find relief
in the growing light, and then
nothing changes.
that’s the problem with you, she says. all I
ever hope for is that I’ll
still be breathing
when the wind turns
lukewarm. I respond that
days like this
hurt worse than february’s worst
knife. just as the crocus
starts to crack the frost and pierce through,
you give up on hope and admit to a longing for bloodshed,
drunken fights in dive bars or a sudden burst of deadly lust
that carries you into a strange bed through a broken
window and from there into oblivion; every bad impulse
to self-immolation breaks out in you as if you were
a ruptured pod.
you think it’s wrong to feel that way,
she says. but it’s not wrong to
describe a heart as broken
if it is broken, or a fallen hope as
fallen even if it has yet to hit the
ground.
what you don’t get to do, she says,
is marinate
in the description until
you’re tender.
I don’t fully understand but I think we are
not so far apart. all this bloodlust in me
is just a way of acting the same thing she is saying.
I want to reach for her
and explain this but
there are shadows among my fingers
that leave me cold. there are bones
hidden in my flesh that I’ve never noticed.
I’m afraid the sun
won’t ever break through to warm them.
I’m afraid that
if I try to touch her,
one of us may shatter.
Dark Matter 
April 1st, 2004 at 11:59 am
Re: Thanks, Stefan…
Ditto!
April 1st, 2004 at 11:59 am
Re: Thanks, Stefan…
Ditto!
April 1st, 2004 at 11:52 am
Re: shattering
Well, that’s good to know Tony…I am mostly the opposite so I tend to see most poets as writing from the same place. It is truly wonderful to be able to discuss poetry like this and to find that not everyone writes from the same place or the same point of reference.
April 1st, 2004 at 11:52 am
Re: shattering
Well, that’s good to know Tony…I am mostly the opposite so I tend to see most poets as writing from the same place. It is truly wonderful to be able to discuss poetry like this and to find that not everyone writes from the same place or the same point of reference.
April 1st, 2004 at 11:09 am
Re: shattering
It’s more about a memory, Amy — I’m not the most autobiographical writer, at least in terms of writing about current situations.
April 1st, 2004 at 11:09 am
Re: shattering
It’s more about a memory, Amy — I’m not the most autobiographical writer, at least in terms of writing about current situations.
April 1st, 2004 at 11:08 am
shattering
Beautifully written…tragic images…I LOVE IT! However, it almost makes me revisit a time when I felt I was shattering…a place I have been seeing reflected back to me way too often these days…that is an uneasy feeling. [And] While it makes for some fabulous poetry I hope whatever feelings brought this poem on will not break you.
April 1st, 2004 at 11:08 am
shattering
Beautifully written…tragic images…I LOVE IT! However, it almost makes me revisit a time when I felt I was shattering…a place I have been seeing reflected back to me way too often these days…that is an uneasy feeling. [And] While it makes for some fabulous poetry I hope whatever feelings brought this poem on will not break you.
April 1st, 2004 at 11:01 am
Re: Thanks, Stefan…
…would love to sit down with you and work on our writings. 🙂
April 1st, 2004 at 11:01 am
Re: Thanks, Stefan…
…would love to sit down with you and work on our writings. 🙂
April 1st, 2004 at 11:00 am
Re: Thanks, Stefan…
Now it is crisp(er) — now I understand the stanza that was before incomprehensible.
The stanza which starts with “days like this” is much stronger with all those braking and cracking references and ideas. Still, I think maybe you have not yet hit it in the most economic way. I do not have a concrete suggestion — just a feel it can grow further.
April 1st, 2004 at 11:00 am
Re: Thanks, Stefan…
Now it is crisp(er) — now I understand the stanza that was before incomprehensible.
The stanza which starts with “days like this” is much stronger with all those braking and cracking references and ideas. Still, I think maybe you have not yet hit it in the most economic way. I do not have a concrete suggestion — just a feel it can grow further.
April 1st, 2004 at 10:28 am
Thanks, Stefan…
you hit a couple of my sticking points as well — I liked those parts but also thought they could be stronger, more unified to the theme.
What do you think now?
April 1st, 2004 at 10:28 am
Thanks, Stefan…
you hit a couple of my sticking points as well — I liked those parts but also thought they could be stronger, more unified to the theme.
What do you think now?
March 31st, 2004 at 10:36 pm
Very moving.
A few brief comments:
in the stanza with crocus, I also see/hear ice that breaks (or shatters).
The stanza which starts with “it’s pain, she says, not self-pity, that drives you” is hard to follow (at least to this reader).
this is brilliant: “there are shadows among my fingers
that leave me cold.”
March 31st, 2004 at 10:36 pm
Very moving.
A few brief comments:
in the stanza with crocus, I also see/hear ice that breaks (or shatters).
The stanza which starts with “it’s pain, she says, not self-pity, that drives you” is hard to follow (at least to this reader).
this is brilliant: “there are shadows among my fingers
that leave me cold.”
March 31st, 2004 at 9:45 pm
there are shadows among my fingers
that leave me cold.
love this line.
March 31st, 2004 at 9:45 pm
there are shadows among my fingers
that leave me cold.
love this line.