Thanks for comments. Closer to the meaning I wanted now; still working on the music…
Defined here as
any message left behind when someone takes an action
that has known fatal consequences,
the first one had
the apparent heft and shape
of a half eaten apple.
The second
was a thumbprint in the center of
a brother’s forehead.
There were others but
the next one of import was
a bloodstained lopsided “X” ,
left on a hill as a warning after
the suicide had bled out: “this is the wages
of not admitting you’re
wrong.” Truth was, he
hedged his bets, so
it’s hard to credit that one as
a true exemplar in the long line;
based on pure style, it has had
a lot of imitators, but
martyrdom has its limits
and after all, we all die
for our sins —
I tell you this not as a parable
but as a luminous fact: everything we do
is our suicide note.
What we leave behind tells
enough of our fate that
given time, anyone can see
the point at which it became clear
which path to self-immolation
was chosen, sometimes unwittingly but
obviously and surely chosen: how
the writer selected the exact tools
as the means to the end.
The reader steps back and says, “Ah, yes,
that’s where it all turned. That’s where
the world shifted in this one.” And if
you do it right, every word and action you leave behind you
will be one you chose, and what more will need to be said
of you, if you have said it yourself?
Nothing saves you from this:
you’re on the anvil, and if you are to be forged
and not forgery, you must cry out
with the hammer breath
of God’s will
as you come into shape.
Cry it out now, because
you will burn out, sooner or later,
from force and heat.
What you become
will be
your explanation.
Dark Matter 
December 24th, 2003 at 1:32 am
it’s this part:
Nothing saves you from this:
you’re on the anvil, and if you are to be forged
and not forgery, you must cry out
so fucken true.
so true.
December 23rd, 2003 at 6:41 pm
Well,
I dunno about that. I think the contrast of “Parable”, “luminous fact” and “suicide note” gives the transition from the explicit Xian imagery some weight there…a moment of surprise. I wanted the gasp factor there; hence, the bald exposition.
Suspect this one’s ready for the “let’s see what an audience does with it” test…always critical in the editing process.
December 23rd, 2003 at 5:44 pm
I’m thirding Dawn – I think it’s much stronger without the explanation & it becomes apparent in the context of the rest of the poem.
The other thing I might look at is the section:
>I tell you this not as a parable
>but as a luminous fact: everything we do
>is our suicide note.
I don’t know that you need to explain, the rest of the poem tells this part of the story already. The bald exposition stands out against the concrete imagery of the rest of the poem.
For myself, the hardest part is learning to trust the imagery of the poem to stand on its own without summary or explanation & letting the reader draw their own conclusions, knowing they’ll be somewhat different than mine.
Letting a poem have the space to speak differently to everyone is part of what makes it connect on a personal level to more readers – if the poem is so structured that the reader can only see the author in it & not themselves, it’s harder to establish more than a superficial understanding – known in the brain instead of the gut.
That being said, the poem also rocks my world.
December 23rd, 2003 at 4:39 pm
Re: Oh yeah
Well, I’m really looking forward to hearing any survivors old or new on Feb 5th!!!
December 23rd, 2003 at 4:23 pm
Re: Oh yeah
Almost nothing I write survives the editing process. I have a whole folder filled with saved blank word processor documents. Gah.
I’m hunting for the core in my work, and I just keep missing it.
I love the direction your work is taking, I really do.
December 23rd, 2003 at 4:13 pm
Re: Tony~
i’m up for hosting it if someone else can organize – & off work on Friday too. we’re doing the regular gathering of friends on Xmas Day in the late afternoon, too, & the more the merrier.
December 23rd, 2003 at 4:05 pm
Re: Tony~
Oh my goodness! I totally had forgotten that she was out there…Man it would be awesome if we could all get together at some point, even if it’s just for coffee.
December 23rd, 2003 at 3:57 pm
Re: Tony~
Gabrielle’s in town too, don’t forget.
December 23rd, 2003 at 3:52 pm
Re: Tony~
We haven’t anything planned yet. I know we’re trying to get together with George and RAC and hopefully Michael Cirelli, I’ll email you when we have something concrete….
Unfortunately we’re only staying til Friday so we’ll miss Bill….BOO!
Anti-social. Yes I understand that.
Merry Christmas.
December 23rd, 2003 at 3:39 pm
Re: Tony~
A lot of running around with family/friends…but I could be persuaded to do something if my energy holds up (I’m pretty antisocial these days, sadly). What’s cooking?
Bill’s the feature at the Hut on Sunday if anyone wants to drop by there, by the way.
December 23rd, 2003 at 3:35 pm
Tony~
A bunch of us are all going to be out around the area this week…What’s going on in your neck of the woods?
December 23rd, 2003 at 2:51 pm
Re: Oh yeah
i think i have to second dawn on this one.
i like the opening either way, but removing the first lines seems (to me at least) to quicken the pace a bit. (less on-ramp & more highway) i think the edits you made help lay out the sentiment of the first lines in the body of the poem itself.
i like what you did with the rest of it, much nicer flow to the theme.
just my two cents.
-javabill
December 23rd, 2003 at 2:46 pm
Y’know…
I spent the majority of my editing time last night working on the section following the “bloodstained X”, and ended up with the simple transitional section starting with “martyrdom…” after several attempts. Felt like an interesting distraction — the jump from Jesus to the suicide note is abrupt, I know — but I’m actively trying for more of the associative leaps of Lorca these days — leaving transitions somewhat undersketched. So…I think it stays where it is.
One of the BAD things I took from slam is the need to build every transition for the audience. I want to be less accessible to linear thought nowadays, more willing to put out the stones and let people leap among them…
Thanks for the praise, Andrew…always humbling from you.
December 23rd, 2003 at 2:39 pm
Re: Oh yeah
Damn. That’s good. Makes perfect sense.
It’s funny to me how much my endings and beginnings shift with time — usually they are where the poem gets its genesis (I tend to start with either endings or beginnings and build the poem from there), and they nonetheless almost never survive the editing process.
December 23rd, 2003 at 2:30 pm
Oh yeah
Fabulous rewrite. The end of the piece is stunning; I really like how you expanded the forging metaphor, it’s simple, but it hurts (in a good way). Definitely an “Oh.” moment.
How would you feel about ditching the very first strophe? I know, I know, I’m always throwing stuff away, but I think you might not necessarily need to define the term before you define the term. It doesn’t grab me the same way the start of the next strophe does. Juxtaposed with the title, I think it would be a stronger start. Just to see what it looks like:
Suicide Notes
the first one had
the apparent heft and shape
of a half eaten apple
….
You can, of course, discard any of my suggestions. The poem is excellent.
December 23rd, 2003 at 1:46 pm
Hmmm…
Hmmm. Neil Gaiman was once asked to explain the Sandman comic in 25 words or less. After a moment of thought, he said, “The Prince of Stories learns that one can either change or die, and makes his choice.”
You’re playing with some rich undercurrents here. There’s a riptide running through the piece that seems to suck you in at
enough of our fate that
given time, anyone can see
the point at which it became clear
which path to self-immolation
You might play around a bit more with the bloodstained X on the hillside, and this is the consequences of not admitting you’re wrong — but on the whole, a fine piece