Tag Archives: memory

I Can Only Surmise

There is a lot to process.
There is a shortened memory of care.
There is a moment where you can’t be sure.
There is a moment of uncertainty
and then it’s over and you have no more than a clue
about what’s happening…

There is a dawn coming up on the right horizon now
and you turn your face to it hoping it will warm up.
There is a sunset hours from now on the left horizon
and you keep your back to it hoping, hoping…

There is a town called Washington that smells faintly
of rot.
There is a town called Boston that smells faintly
of rot.
There is a town called Worcester that smells strongly
of rot.
There is a street that doesn’t smell yet
of anything, but it will…

There on the couch is an oblivious calico cat.
There in the chair next to the couch am I
and I am not oblivious but I wish I was…

There on the chair in the smell of rot and worry
I sit and place my head in my hands angry
and sad and burdened with knowledge…

and I wish I was ignorant,
I wish I was back drifting into
extraordinary fogs seated on the couch
letting all this drain off and away,
wish I was dead though I cannot imagine
what that would be like and
memories, biggest and brightest
of all my head-sense, fade into darkness
like a cat serenely asleep on the couch —
but still alert, I guess; it is a thing
I can only surmise…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
onward,
T


Berry And Periwinkle

What happened to all
the cable-knit sweaters
you got as gifts for birthdays
and Christmas — 

thick as shields and warm
as the wood-stove-hot garage
where your father worked on cars
and lawnmowers, readying them
for spring

You outgrew far more than one
but there are
one or two in periwinkle
and berry-blood red
you keep to wear home
now and then 
when the weather is ripe
for such a gesture — 

armor of a sort and see as well
how your mother’s face lights up
when she apparently recognizes
her own work
on the person of the person
she tries to think of as her son 

For a minute she looks past 
berry or periwinkle
to ask if you still have
the one in oatmeal Irish wool
you loved so much and you tell her
it’s at home
and you’ll wear it next time

although it’s been decades
and the sweater
is long ago donated

you don’t feel bad
about lying to your mother
do you
not like this

It’s not the first time
not going to be the last
until it is the last time
and you must decide
which sweater to wear
that day


Left Left Right

Originally posted 3/1/2010.

Left at the top of the stairs.
Another left, then a right.
Here’s the blue room I lived in for years,
the room I drywalled and painted for myself
with my father’s help.
It’s still small.
It’s still blue.
I chose the color 
and the embarrassing blue shag carpet.
I helped to lay the oak floors that underlie that —
beautiful wood I covered with blue shag carpet.
Hours fitting new grooves to the just laid tongues,

nailing through the new tongues at the right angle.
I used to smoke dope out the window
with a pipe I made from a radiator valve
listening to my first FM radio,
freeform programming, late 60s,
Mickey and Sylvia after Rashaan Roland Kirk.
I stopped thinking the world was rigid and orderly.
No one’s vacuumed since I left.
I found a cannabis seed in the blue shag carpet.
One time I dropped acid here 
and decided to stare at myself in the mirror 
for too long. I took a piece of notebook paper
and wrote a whole story 
that sounded pretty much like this one.
If I lived here now 
I’d tear up this rug
and see how the oak planks have held up
and if it they were still good 
I’d stain them and polish them
and that would be the floor.
I’d paint the walls a different blue
and when I was done I’d play the radio 
and smoke a big joint
in plain view of the windows
while thinking about Rashaan Roland Kirk
who owned the blues and one working arm and no sight,
I’d follow up by singing
“Love Will Make You Fail In School”
like I haven’t in years.
It’s still true, I can vouch for that;
I wrote about it once,
long ago, with a blue pen
on a piece of blue lined notebook paper
while the carpet wiggled and writhed.
My eyes wouldn’t stay in my head.
They might wander off again right now, my eyes might.
Take a left, left.  Take a right, right.
I could be blind on a cold oak floor
if it meant I could feel free again.


Funeral Rites

Escort the dead
past their former homes,
stall the weeping
from inside those walls,
set the fallen at peace
with their new plane,
lay them into their holes
and then release all the pain
that has been pent up
to fly and cling to the stones
you set above the dead.

A monument needs those traces
to wrap it
for a monument stripped of memory
is nothing, just another rock
on a pool of earth
that holds something
now quite different from before
and not to be cherished
as anything worth consideration;

the stone and the memory
are where they have left themselves
for you.  What lies below
is returning to the greater whole,
is of no consequence, and in fact

what clings to the stone
will fly off eventually too,
to drift on wind and seep into streams
where it will be taken in by breath and sip
and so infiltrate
the living that still weep
now and then, a little less
now than before, until
what remains in the living

is less than a memory, more a belief
in the past as prelude
to the present, a small token
of the control and presence
that once walked and now flies
away from the pitiful leavings
we will revere for such a thankfully short time:

corpses
that will not hold us for long
as they are.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Out On The Town

two for one ridiculous

finger dancing rejected
diggers of energy in clubs
and cafes, they stroll the South Side
arm in arm, resting their hands
for the night ahead

lick a glass rim and hop to it

charging around the circuit
looking for pals and the unmet
possible pals of tomorrow morning

there is cocaine and rationalization
that this is how the heroes rolled
and one of the sumbitches
is crying for some paper reminder
he can’t create for his inebriation
tearing his garments in mourning

slinky doormen
keep out the impossible artists
no shirts without ironed collars

blue blind doctors of unspecified ambition
looking for pals and patients

two for one
take one, get the other

romantic night in memory
but tonight it’s already
blurred
blank and ready for scribbled cleansing
ego repair

they’ll leave out
the puke on their shoes

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Vivisection

Keep thinking
of soundtracks….
names, dates.
Places.

The bridge over the Ace Glass parking lot
is where I learned the meaning of the word
“vivsection.”  There was no
precipitating incident:
I just wanted to know what the word meant.
The car radio was playing bright pop
and I was seven.

There are roads in New Mexico
that will always sound like
Garth Brooks when I drive them.

Keep thinking, pushing…

the blister of chord melody
moves under my finger
in Amherst; punk newborn,
a straight razor cutting me
on the Bowery, every time; it is
Ace Glass all over again.

Push on the scar.
Listen to it, how the skin
dents as if it were under
Max Roach’s loving punishment.

To summer sex I say
Keith Jarrett, to winter sex I say
blue light cafe, to failure I say
there is a nameless noise band
somewhere.

Nostalgia is unnecessary
as nothing feels old…under my finger
the eardrum, the active, the real.

Keep it…

Keep Glenn Gould, the details
perfected, the summary.  This is
as silent as I ever get.  This is a bridge
of wood over a railroad track,
a boy crying under the foundations,
and the train so far off yet, fifty five
minutes before it arrives.  I hear the piano
as the rain of blows fades to a murmur…

I am cut open.

I hear a word for this.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Left And Left And Right

Left at the top of the stairs and then another left and then a right
takes you into the blue room I lived in for years,
the room I drywalled and painted for myself with my father’s help.
I went up to see the room the last time I was by and it’s still blue.
It seems very small.  It is very small.

I chose the color and the embarrassing blue shag rug.
Blue was my favorite color
and still is. I laid the oak floors here, the ones that underlie
the blue shag carpet.
Nailing through the tongues of the narrow planks, fitting the grooves to them,
the beautiful wood I covered with the blue shag carpet.
I chose the red and blue plaid curtains in the windows.
It hasn’t changed much, the curtains are dirty and still there.

I used to smoke dope out the window with a pipe I made from a radiator valve.
I used to sit there and pretend I could make it out there.
I had an FM radio and listened to freeform programming
that taught me how to hear Mickey and Sylvia
after Rashaan Roland Kirk
and stop thinking the world was rigid and orderly.

No one’s vacuumed since I left.
I found a cannabis seed in the shag carpet.

One time I dropped acid here and decided to stare at myself
in the mirror for a long time.
Afterward I took a piece of notebook paper
and wrote a whole story that sounded pretty much like this one.

If I lived here now I’d tear up this rug and see how the oak planks have held up
and if it they were still good I’d stain them and polish them
and that would be the floor.
I’d change the curtains and I’d certainly have to paint,
not blue this time, or a different blue.
Then when I was done I’d play the radio and smoke a big joint
right out in plain view of the windows,
sit there and think about Rashaan Roland Kirk
and having the blues and one working arm and no sight,
follow up by singing “Love Will Make You Fail In School”
like I haven’t in years.

It’s still true, I can vouch for that.
I wrote about it once, long ago, with a blue pen
on a piece of notebook paper that wouldn’t lie still.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

The New Cabaret

The laughter
of those who enter
a new cabaret
begins to change it.
Something in the air shivers,
like thin metal being shaken.
The space contracts
and expands. Soon, one voice rises
above the others, singing its way
into the woodwork, pushing the ceiling
up another story.  Applause,
and the heart of the room reaches out
for an embrace.
Everyone goes home
and the room is left
to slowly fall back into itself.

In the meantime, it swells and
shrinks with memory.  Perhaps
someone in attendance
brushed a corner molding
and left fabric behind,
or perhaps someone
moved by a word or a note
bit their lip and bled a small drop
into the floor. 

The room is not
the space it was. The people
who were there are not the people
they were. Only the actual moment of song
holds the distinction of remaining
static, by virtue of having passed
into history, no trace of it
in the framing and walls and paint.
Perfect, permanently free
of the burden of needing to be
refreshed when the club closes,
six months later,
for renovation
into another kind of space —
a boutique, a dry cleaner, a bistro.

This is the nature of such things:
they come and go, rooms hold
a little trace of their passing,
the rooms pass and change,
the people pass and change,
and only the music remains
in a place no one can move,
remodel, or demolish. 

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Boxes Full Of Good Things

Drag out the boxes
from the corners of the spare room
and go through them
semi-methodically,
sorting the still-good
from the chaff
that may have been good at one time
but now is simply extra; even if it still
has merit or might again,
it can’t stay. 

Put that to one side
along with the always-was-bad,
the unbelievable relics
that make you wonder
what you were thinking — ten year old
Newsweeks with no apparent appeal,
unmarked stained printer paper,
pens from companies long out of business
for which they don’t even make refills.

And now, in your hand,
the junk switchblade that doesn’t work
because the wire spring comes free of the hilt
when the button’s pushed
and cuts into your palm…was this
a high school blade or something purchased
long afterward as some token
of how dangerous you still believed you were?
That date is lost now, fossilized
in the silt of your brainpan.  Maybe you’ll remember
someday; put it in the pile to be saved.

The yellow trash bags fill
and are moved to the kitchen
to wait for the morning’s curbside pickup.
You come back and stare at the room
a long time.  Have you made a dent?
You’ve made a dent, you’re sure of it.
Box up the leftovers and put them away
on a just cleared shelf.  That’s better.
That’s so much more what you want it
to look like in there.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Salvage

On the outskirts
of town
in an open space
where someone’s gathered the bones
of houses, pipes and such —

Johnson’s Scrapyard, or Pulaski’s Salvage,
some place like that
with some name like that —

all the refrigerators
with their doors off like burial vaults
skewed crazy on end, and the doors
in a separate pile, you know the kind of place

where it looks like a bomb went off
but that’s not what happened,
just the normal tear it up and cart it somewhere
where we don’t have to see it every day kind of place,

full of old corrugated iron
and the odd bike sticking up
out of the rusty creek that’s always on the border,
maybe a fence with barbed wire, some frontier
you recognize somehow, kind of place
you loved as a kid but now you tell your own kids
to stay away, that kind of obsolete —

yes,
that kind of place where a car you couldn’t
put back on the road legally gets reused
to move stuff, a Buick with its back
torn open like a pickup truck, seats used
by the little shack where the attendant sits
and waits for something, that kind of man

with greasy Dickies and a name tag, sitting smoking
Mustang cigarettes, yes, he goes home at night
to kids too, maybe kids your own kids
know but don’t talk to much,
that kind of place,
you know the kind of place I mean?

Well,
because your lawn and garden
and garage with its stainless concrete floor
and all that oil you studiously avoid,
all the things you replace,
all that stuff has to go somewhere

and that’s home too,
no matter how far out of town you put it,
no matter how hard you try to forget it’s there,
that kind of place you were told to avoid,
it’s dangerous out there, someone
could get hurt.

Yeah,
that’s home too.  Don’t pretend
you don’t know, or that it’s not true.
Ask your kids sometimes
where they ride their bikes
when they’re gone a long time.
They’ll probably lie,
like you did once.
But you’ll know.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Truth Beauty

Beauty is Truth, truth beauty, — that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.  — Keats

They’ve long since repaired the hole
in the storm door across the street
that was left when the big man
tossed the stone at his screaming wife standing on the porch.

It left a star shaped hole
that reminded me of the holes
we used to stomp into iced over puddles
in the parking lot of the neighborhood market.

Once, I saw Eddie Hope try to skate on one of the big ones
and his skate caught on one of those holes.
He bled all over the ice
and we laughed and laughed while he cussed us out

in eight year old terms with a handful of words he’d learned
from his big brother.  Both Eddie and his brother were dead
within years of that — Tommy from heroin,
Eddie from being dragged down the street

by a car that never stopped.  I think about them both a lot
even now as I see the house across the street,
the white fragile ice on the street,
hear the sound of brakes on the street —

the street that goes both ways.

Here’s what I know on this earth:  I love me some stars, love me
the sound of ice breaking,
see a little truth in the way things break.
Any stain is beautiful and honest

both at once.  A kid dies and an old man somewhere can’t forget
how he kept driving one night a long ago, following his usual path home
to his own kids and how he hugged them hard that night.
They still recall the hug.

Over at the house across the street
the couple who tried to kill each other
in June are apparently happy for now.
It’s getting cold as we get deep into November.

They paved our street this summer
and it’s clean as a slate, all downhill, no place
for a puddle to form,
but I’ll lay odds we’ll be prone to black ice.

Beauty is truth, truth beauty.
Someone’s gonna crash,
something’s gonna break,
someone’s gonna rise up.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Candid

When I saw
the photo of myself
I squirmed
for only a moment
then looked straight at it.

I saw a gray man
with a crooked smile,
my father’s face looking back at me,
sporting a half-mouth grin
I’d only ever seen in one photograph
from Korea, green before first combat
in his uniform,
his whole platoon around him,
his hair short, his eyes bright,
nine years before my birth.

In the picture he’s smirking
as if he knew even then
that his son would someday come
to a similar moment of recognition
and amused resignation,
a moment of humor
before a terrifying future,
that my face
would inevitably become his
in spite of all my years of being certain
that if I just kept my head down
and did everything he never did,
I could keep such a thing
from ever happening.

I wonder if he knew
that it would take this long.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Travis Benson

webcams will tonight be streaming
live images from inside the mind
of one travis benson, who has managed
to insert one in each ear and tune them
to a frequency of light he has determined
will allow the visual display of his thoughts.

before today, travis was a virtual unknown
who labored in a basement in some undetermined city
to bring his vision to fruition.  only a handful
of esoterically inclined and fully wired aficionados
of the fuzzier edges of experimentation
have been aware of his work, as well as

certain governments who have sought him for some time.
in gray buildings on the outskirts of capitals worldwide
hired geeks stand ready to track him down when he comes on line,
as their masters imagine a future bonanza for intelligence work
if the technique works as rumored.  the possibilities,
it is thought, will be endless: the passive voice of a spy’s mind
revealing all the intricacies of espionage, the names and places
of deadly deceits and plotted assassinations…at the same time,

artists have waited eagerly for this moment, hoping that tonight they’ll see
the threads of creativity exposed in the bright storm anticipated
in travis’ skull.  what will be discovered in the crannies
of the genius who created this moment, a moment only ever before captured
in the illusory fragments of thought that until now have been deemed
masterpieces — the sistine chapel, the hulks of giant buddhas carved
into mountains, strains of gamelan and symphony, the words of writers
imperfectly reflecting what they were thinking?

at 2315 GMT, travis benson’s mind goes online
and screens go dark all over the world.

at first, the images are confusing:  a forest of eyes.
a field of small birds feeding on germs.  a city
where the streets are paved with chlldren’s bones.
an immense fall of leaden water salted with the hearts of mice.

as the viewers — millions of them, billions perhaps,
all focused on one travis benson — begin to sort through
what they are seeing, the images on the screen begin to shift
into a story of disjoint and ripple, unremediated rejections
and leftover resentments.  in india, there are those who swear
they see kali charming them; american racists see nothing but black teeth
gnawing the arms of white women; a businessman in caracas
imagines himself in the grip of apes with scimitars.  the pope,
secretly hoping for some proof of the divine, is startled
when jesus appears waving a wedding ring.  a child in new york city
runs screaming to her mother demanding that new doll, the one
that dreams and beats and frets.

around the world, the people slowly reach in zombie time
for the switches.  they go outside and stare up at the stars,
holding each other, talking of love, of family, anything
to erase what they’ve seen.

the artists turn back
to their canvases and keyboards,
painting and playing
hymns and wedding marches,
landscapes and erotic joy.

what the governments think
is classified.

and as for travis benson: what else can be said?
no one wants to know him anymore,
this ugly man who has done an ugly thing.

he disconnects
the cameras.  he goes outside.
in the ensuing days
he will heal himself,
staring anonymously at the things
he’s wrought.

memory,
travis thinks, is a creature
of habit.  it feeds in the same places
unless something changes…
and something has changed.
a frequency of light.
of lightness.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Detour

Avoiding the traffic ahead
I turned down a road
I knew I’d traveled before

and soon recognized landmarks
and even individual trees,
was able to anticipate curves

and frost heaves, knew I’d chosen
a direction that would lead me
to where I was originally going.

All that said, I was still unsure
of exactly where I would come out
and was thus amazed when I found myself

facing a crossroad I had left
fifteen minutes before I deviated
from my appointed path to try this route —

and so I began again, resolving never again
to make another unexpected choice in response
to traffic jams, accidents, road work, or delays.

It did not matter what I had learned
on the path through the detour,
I told myself.  It does not matter what we learn

on a journey if it takes us back to the beginning.
Progress is measured in efficiency and time saved,
I tell myself as I fume in the car

in the sunlight,
in the summer,
with the radio playing a once-forgotten song I love.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Two Bluebirds

Two bluebirds,
male and female, settled next to me
on the walkway rail of my father’s house
tonight, just before sunset.

These were the first bluebirds I’d seen
since I was young and looked for them
in every open pasture, never seeing them, thinking them
elusive and rare.  Now, here they were

perched beside me, regarding me calmly.
If this had happened back when I lived here,
when I hated it here, when I cared so much
about finding them, I might have called it a sign,

and where would I be now?

Blogged with the Flock Browser