Tag Archives: meditations

Sales

Selling you the dream car
that all the kids love,
that makes you big and potent,
that opens all the warm garage doors,
that sniffs out the best parking spots,
that finds the unexpired and broken meters,
that speeds without consequence,
that stops with each front wheel centered on a bison-headed nickel,
that eats nothing but air and good intentions;

selling you the best house
in the best neighborhood,
in the right zip code,
in a grove of window-shading trees,
in a street of charm and comfort,
in a color mixed from eagle’s tears,
in a weather pattern best described as personalized,
in a storm of good and distant thunder,
in a rainbow promise of yours forever;

selling you the joyous reincarnation
of your grandparents’ hard and fast belief in a just world, 
of their stubborn faces bent over task and faith,
of their bank-backed presence as good citizens,
of their trust in the handshake,
of their unshakable duty to the flag-donning boys of summer,
of their simple vision of resting under a willow at the close of day;

selling you on it 
as a mythology, a set of stories
that gives shaded meaning
though a different one is glaring;

as a cover up for the human-selling
that made it all happen;
as a screen before the bloody grounds
of human villages burned;
as a way to sate a gnawing truth
before it wakes you up starving
in the night: 

that what’s being sold 
is stolen property and labor

from the back of a rickety truck
in the dark, 

and the whole thing’s
built on a slim prayer
that we will never stop buying.


Tom Sawyer On The Fence

You ask me
what I would write in a message
to be placed in a bottle
and sent to sea: what would I say,
to whom would I want it said?

I say to you:
content here
will be governed by
process.  To answer that
I must know

the bottle’s color, heft,
its material,
its origin.
I must know how it will be
stoppered against filling

and sinking,
its message
dissolving into the ocean
long before reaching 
its addressee.  I must know

on what kind of paper
I am to write,
with what I am to write —
and where am I to be
when I toss the bottle to sea

in an act
of desperation
or hope or pure
ridiculous artistry, which 
can be all of the above

if need be.  Tell me enough
to go on if you can’t say it all
or if you don’t know it all and I
will write it all down, every word of it

for as long as it takes to tell.
I’ll sit here with the pen and the paper.
I’ll fold and roll the pages when done.
I’ll answer your question then, hand you the 
pages, hold the bottle

as it dawns on you what has just happened.
Will you laugh or will you cry? I don’t care.
Content is determined by process,
after all, and process is my job, my only job.  
I think sometimes it is the only job there is.


Seagulls

When the seagull
grew bored with my
randomly tossed French fires
it went back to the trusted surf
and walked figure eights
in the incoming tide,
head darting into the water
and coming up
with something
almost every time.  

Now and then
it would look at me
as if to say,

here’s another way,

but I then would toss
a French fry
and another gull would dive
and take it.

I don’t know
that there’s a moral here
except that once I was out of fries
all the birds took to the surf
and left me to listen to their calls,
straining to hear
one note of regret there
about the fact,
sad to me and apparently me alone,
that I was no longer relevant to them.


Exiles

A wild guitar sings
from a dark corner
of a deep porch.

A defiant song shifts gears,
gathers voices, challenges
for primacy

as my neighborhood
offers a show
of slow rebellion.

To stay alive for long here
is to be in full revolt
simply by existing.

To stay alive here
is to have hard, hard work 
always in progress.

The ones who do live here?
I don’t know if they would say
they are thriving, though

in the midst of despair, 
they do not despair. They 
don’t know how to despair.

A wild guitar sings of this,
ringing from a dark corner
of a deep, crowded porch — 

I don’t know the song.


Without Reins

Originally posted 11/8/2013.

Abandon and joy
have pulled the bit
from your mouth;
you’ve begun to dream without reins.

The broken bell of your body chimes.
Sing to us of the failing ring of its last note
and of the ear cupped to catch it
before it’s gone forever.

Then sing the return, the rebirth,
the orbit swinging ’round.
Sing the bloom gone to seed,
the seed gone to fire.

Sing us a blue-throated love song,
a dense jewel  in full sun glinting;
a dark-tattooed work song, gospel
of opening, echo of pure belonging.

Sing the emblem 
of circularity, the zero;

sing its completion
of the eternal round.

Your mouth is free of its bit.
Your song is free of your knotted tongue.
Sing.  Sing of horses running,
manes and tails, summer’s winds.


The Cold

My raw throat converts
breath to fire: no, not with poems —
I’m sick tonight and

it burns to inhale.
Every third breath
draws a cough

that carves me
up. I’m not ready to
die from a cold, of course, 

but at my age
every illness feels like
a flag for a caution lap;

you can’t shake off
what you used to. Slow down, take
as many laps as needed

before coming back
to the line at full speed.
Where’s that green flag

when you want it? No, not for
poems, not tonight.  I’ll settle
for sleeping then waking up tomorrow

and then we’ll see about changing
the fire in my throat
from breath to words.

 


This Moment

this moment, whether seized or released, 
is all that matters.

the sun on the shore, the sun silvering surf,
the sun on your skin, the sun on your mind;

that bouquet, that kick of fruit and wine

mingled with dark smoke;

this one brief pause

in a long climb toward a summit; the

pleasure snatched
from pain’s arms. 

this moment is yours. this moment is you,
is all there is:

a moment of quickened light

where you get to choose

to either forego regret
or let it inform your next breath 

and all the ones 
after that; 

this moment knows you,

knows your answer 

before you can

breathe a word.

— for Betsy, 6/17/2015

Click to hear a recording of this poem with music


A Noise Inside Me

A noise inside me seems
to be my natural tongue
struggling to be understood
through my fog of upbringing
and schooled-in language.

I don’t know what to think,
who to thank or blame. All I hear
when I try to tune in to it is
a nagging rattle. I can’t turn it off,
like hail on a tin roof

going on all day and night.
(Hail never lasts that long in real life,
though. It’s more like a storm
of lost marbles falling from charcoal clouds,
slowly wrecking my home.)

Exhausted from trying
first to understand it and then
to block it out, I seek the aid
of anyone who might speak this
natural tongue, translate it for me,

teach me how to respond.  Is it you,
is it you, is it you? I ask everyone
I let get close enough
to hear it echoing from within.
Most look at me

as if every word from my mouth
was hail on their own roofs,
or a storm
of lost marbles tearing 
their own safety down.

The few who stay
don’t understand it either, 
but they understand the nature
of shelter: how temporary any of it
really is, how much we need

to hold onto each other
when we find ourselves together
under those crumbling eaves.
We pull close and speculate
on what it all might mean.

It helps. Sometimes,
when I am not alone with it,
the noise inside me even begins
to sound like music. T
ogether we try,
raggedly, to sing.


Pockets

Your hate’s
come awake: such
an unreal charmer, such
a hot squirmer writhing
in a breast pocket
you forgot about;
a pocket you now fear
is thinned enough 
to be soon torn open.
If the hole happens,
you just know hate will 
stick in you, hanging
off your chest by its fangs,
sucking you out of your shell,
envenoming you, making you
up again in its image 
as a venal god blooding up
ahead of a long sporting night.

Your hate’s
come awake: a once-small,
once-secret character
in someone else’s fiction
of what’s normal,
squeaking damaged calls
to whatever passes
for your remaining 
morality.  It calls to
the hand, calls it 
to weaponize.  It calls to
the eyes to see through
red mist.  It calls to
the upper gut and the lower
gut and finally to
the genital center of 
your worst. Your hate’s
pretending
to be your lover tonight:
a seduction, a coarse driven
caress of sweat and fear.

Your hate’s come awake
like a rattlesnake wintering
under a hearthstone, roused
by unanticipated fire.
It happens, it does
happen, it will 
happen.

Meanwhile, love,
secure in another pocket,
has been awake this whole time — 
it tires, though not easily
or deeply enough to ever be
absent completely.
All you need do
is look its way
and it will come to you

to unfasten hate from its bite,
massage poison
from your limbs,
mend that torn pocket
and tuck hate back
where it belongs

before settling back in,
purring its peace,
closer to you 

than ever before.


Power Tools

The guns.  I want
the guns.
First the knives and then

the guns.
All the guns.

All of them,
and then the bombs.

The ships after that,
maybe the planes, and that

might be enough.
Knives for the close-by,

guns for the intermediate, bombs
for the absentee moments,
missiles and planes

and gunboats to project
what I cannot 

do with my own hands.
And thinking now

of what one can do
with computers

and with banks, I need
some of those too.
Knives, guns, bombs,

missiles, planes, ships,
computers, banks,

markets, stocks,
lies, half-truths,

statistics,
money, money, money,
myths of social constructs

and colorblind generations,
flags, elections,

eclectics, stories, art, music,
schools that bind hands
to the will of other hands.
I want all the guns
because the tears
haven’t helped, the words

and songs haven’t helped,
the simple reach of saying

this is wrong has never helped.
I want guns

to weight the lifelines
I need to throw

because that flood
of everything else
that’s arrayed against me
is rising  
and though I understand
what a gun does
far better than you do,
I want them anyway because

there seems to be
so little else
I do understand

about what it takes these days
to win and not lose,

to not starve or despair, 
to not drown,
not burn,

not die.


Family

families eat together
and they may starve together
if there’s nothing to eat
but they will not starve alone

if you’re starving alone
come sit down and be
part of 
my family

we don’t have much
but we can’t afford
to be stingy with 
generosity

families need
more than just food
to be healthy
they must be open to allowing

what they hold among themselves
to flow away
trusting that one day
it will flow back

therefore son or daughter
brother, sister, cousin 
in spite of any other blood you carry
I declare that you are my family

so sit and eat and drink
rest and weep
or laugh in relief knowing
you’re home now


The Right Answers

Whenever Universe asks me,
after I’ve stubbornly
resisted its direction, 

“Did I stutter?”

the right answer for me
always is
“Yes,” because I find
it always does stutter
and shade its suggestions
before getting straight on making
a clear demand of me,

possibly (I’d like to think) because 
it hopes it doesn’t have to
make a clear demand of me
and hopes that this time
I’ll get it in spite of the subtlety —

and sometimes I do 
but sometimes I don’t,
which leads to Universe
leaning into me
and asking,

“DID I STUTTER?”

and here we are again,
here we both are,
back at the beginning.

I always speak the truth
to Universe
while praying it does not
smite me
for my honesty,
though it smites me 
for my honesty

more often than not.
That’s the right answer too,

as it was
back at the beginning
of the beginning, as it likely
always shall be.


A Failure

A failure picks up
a few scraps from his wreckage
and puts them into his bag.

When he gets home 
he tosses them onto
the kitchen table.

Tries to explain
where they once fit,
how they once

meant something, but 
“you had to be there.”
There was nobody there

then, of course. There’s
nobody there now either.
He’s talking to nobody

about a disaster nobody
cares about. He’s become
the mainstream media —

in the story, he bleeds
so he leads and no one
even notices because his blood’s

as thin as water. As thin
as excuses and histrionics,
as thin as the wind that’s

gone out of him. He stops talking.
Puts the pieces back in the bag.
Goes to bed. Doesn’t dream a thing.


Going To Wait

A gun, a mouth,
a hot farewell.

A moment on the lips
and then,
the long missing begins.

After it’s done — in 
less than a split
of a second of noting
the start of the roar of 
the gun — 

after it’s done 
is there anything? Regret,
joy? Release, terror, a welcome
blankness?

Insatiable curiosity
is not enough to take me
there and fear is barely enough

to keep me here. I tug 
and am tugged but I am

going to wait.


In This Way Is Disco A Form Of Blues

Originally posted 10/5/2012.

Sylvester on the radio sings,

“…YOU MAKE ME FEEL MIGHTY REAL…”

Sylvester is dead. For real.
God only knows how real he now feels.

I am not dead
but I will be sooner rather
than later, 

for real. Getting comfortable with that
is my number one job these days;
I wish I was mighty ready 
to be alone in the night with it. 

When people danced to this
back in Old School

they often danced hand in hand
with Mighty Real Death;

it is in this way
that disco
is a form of blues.

Wish I was ready to dance naked and alone
in the kitchen RIGHT NOW,
but I am neither mighty enough
nor real enough yet,
so back to bed I go to write about realness,
like a damn fool — 

because this is not
how one should die,

flat on a fat ass,
on a bed,
banging a laptop.

“…YOU MAKE ME FEEL MIGHTY REAL…”

This will have to do
until the day when
I finally find myself
dancing into a mirror,

pointing at the sad sack
I’m dancing with, the dance partner
I’ve had all my life, the one 
pointing back at me from the mirror, 
each of us laughing this song
out of our terrified mouths 

as loudly as we can:

“…YOU MAKE ME FEEL…MIIIIGHTY REAL…”

and not stopping
until we fall.