Tag Archives: abner-and-jeremy

Abner And Jeremy Get Pissy

Jeremy,

says Abner,

I don’t want you to take this the wrong way
but you’re kind of a pain in the ass.

What’s that, Abner?

I said, you’re kind of a pain in the ass.

Eh, we’ve all got trouble
with that at our age, pal.
I think it’s just natural.

No, you’ve been that way for years.

Some of us get a head start,
says Jeremy,

stealing pretzels from Abner’s bowl.

Hey! What’s next —
you want my beer too?

Too late,
says Jeremy, swigging from the mug.
Anyway, I bought this round.

Come to think of it, I bought the round
before it too.
Your turn next time, you deadbeat.

I think I’m tapped out,
says Abner.

See? You’re
catching up to me,

says Jeremy.

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Walking In the City

What is it now,
says Abner to Jeremy.
What has you making faces
like that?

It’s the sidewalk,
says Jeremy.
It’s not flat enough
for an old man.
You’d think in a city this size
they’d pay for flat sidewalks,
so many people walking.
But I trip seven times a day
on something.  And don’t get me started
on the trash.  And the boxes in heaps
on the curb?  Like a minefield.

They don’t love the old here,
says Abner.  But we didn’t either
when we were kids.
You want to sit for a while?  Get
back to normal?

This is normal,
says Jeremy.  No,
let’s walk a bit more
then get a drink or something.
Normal. 

Like we always do —
old men walking, drinking,
walking home again
somehow.

Alright, says Abner.
We’ll walk a bit more.

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In Berchtesgaden

Abner,

says Jeremy,

did I ever tell you
about my first time?

Not that I recall,

says Abner.
You were always pretty close mouthed
as a kid.

Jeremy responds,

It wasn’t when I was a kid.
I was in the service.
It was in Germany,
Berchtesgaden. 

Ah, says Abner.
Some local fraulein?

No, says Jeremy.

He was from Utah.

Ah, says Abner.
Ah.

A long pause, then:

It explains a lot.  Why you didn’t marry
till late.  Why no kids.  Why you never
flirted in the bars, even at school.

Did Ruth know?

Jeremy nods.  Then:

Did you?

Abner says,

It explains a lot.
Yes, I guess.  Yes.

Jeremy, then,
his voice low and even:

You never said a word?

No need, says Abner.

Mmm, says Jeremy.
Mm.

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The Big Hole

Abner and Jeremy poke
around a hole they’ve found
in a vacant lot.

Jeremy says,
what used to be here?
I don’t remember much about it.

Dunno, says Abner.
Maybe a post office? There are
a lot of flags and messages
on the fences.

You’re an idiot,
retorts Jeremy.  They don’t
keep holes where post offices were,
they rebuild them.  It’s not like
post offices aren’t a dime a dozen,
anyway.  Look at how many there are.
You can’t walk ten blocks without passing one.

Well, I don’t know, says Abner.  Looks like
some government thing.  It’s been a while
anyway, it seems, from the look of it,
so who could know for sure?
It’s a big hole, though.

That it is,
says Jeremy.
 That it is.  Deep one.

Eh.
Someone will put something up on it,
land’s not cheap and leaving it empty
won’t be an option.

Pity, shrugs Abner.
We could use a little light, some more space,
a few less buildings. 
All you see is buildings these days.

I hope it’s a good one, says Jeremy.
Something to look at, maybe some nice apartments?
A school maybe?

Not likely, says Abner,
nobody wants to build a good home
for anyone anymore
unless they’ve got money and a lot of it.

Eh,
they both say,
wait and see what they build.
A good bet we won’t like it.

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After The Baker Left

Surely,

says Abner,

you didn’t want her
to leave? That “Get out,
you make me sick,” it wasn’t
what you wanted?

Eh,

says Jeremy,

no,
not what I thought I wanted.
But the flour on her hands,
grrr…like sand, and all the time.
And I couldn’t stop coughing.

You’ve been coughing
since I’ve known you,
it’s the cigarettes,

says Abner.

Jeremy
pulls hard first on his beer,
then his short still-burning butt,

says,

Eh,
the flour didn’t help.

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A Game Of Chess

Old friends Abner and Jeremy walk to the park
with a borrowed chess set.

Upon arrival they open the small chest of pieces
and discover them shattered —
shards of black and white in a jumble.

No matter, says Jeremy, we will repair them
with glue and then begin our game.

Abner suggests that they have before them
a unique opportunity —
they can rebuild the tiny warriors
to new specifications, reassemble them
while changing their shapes.

That’s silly, Jeremy responds. 
If they are reshaped,
we will be forever confused
as to how the new pieces correspond
to the old ones, and our play
will be disrupted with dispute,
pondering, and dissatisfaction.
Better to make them as they have always been,
according to the venerable traditions of the game.

Old fart, stick in the mud, says Abner.
Here we have a possible new world,
and you desire the continuation
of the ancient regime.

Back, forth, argument, counter, parry, thrust —
and eventually, a settlement:  they will rebuild
one side to standard form, the other will be
refashioned, and the player of the new men
will be trusted to tell the truth and remain consistent
as to what each represents in this unaccustomed game.

Did you bring glue, they ask at the same time.
Neither has brought glue.  Who could have known
it would be needed?
They will have to go home and do this overnight
and return tomorrow to play.

This is more trouble than it’s worth, says Jeremy.
Agreed, says Abner.  Let us instead blame
the son of a bitch
who gave us this abomination to deal with,
and find another set to borrow
from a more trustworthy source.

Yes,  we will do that, they agree,
and arm in arm and armed with righteous anger
they march off with the ruined game in hand
to find something that will let them play as they are used to,
comfortable that they have done what they can,
and to confront someone to hurt for the inconvenience
they’ve suffered.

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