To have a moment
of peace from this —
a second even of not
hesitating between
the act and the instant
rethinking of the act —
to just naturally flow
between them, indeed
to have to not think before
the next act; for instance
to not worry about each
punctuation mark, to not stop
in mid-step to think about
where I’m going this time
and then changing direction
or not changing it; this
is a toxic walk with a poison
cup waiting to be sipped
at the end or even halfway;
who am I now ten months’
into this life of having to remember
how quiet and routine it used to be
to get up out of bed, walk
to the bathroom, walk out
without saying, “next, the pantry,
next, the coffee, next, the cat…” as if
there was no need for an order
that just came to me without thought,
without writing it down, without
screaming or weeping or just sighing
once in a while, wondering how long
this will go on and on…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
onward,
T