I own one string
of 108 white beads
that were strung for prayer

purchased with the intention 
of taming the negatives around me
by the process of counting them off —
ninety
ninety one
ninety two —

count them all often enough
it is said
and one tames oneself
most securely
through following directions 

Lay the beads in the right hand
over the middle finger
Over the ego finger
From the head bead
move on to the next
using the thumb alone
seeking in the count
the OM

But I don’t feel tamed when I count  
Instead I start itching for a fight
thinking of the host
of red-dark demons around me
I have more fights
than strings of beads
to tame them

Perhaps my battles
are my blessings
and instead of blessings
I should count battles 
eighty nine
ninety
ninety one 

Lay the beads in the right hand
over the middle finger
Over the ego finger
From the head bead 
move on to the next 
using the thumb alone
seeking in the count 
the OM

If I break this string of beads
will the blessings be scattered
will the battles be strewn about
fifty one
fifty two
fifty three
Will I feel better
in the rage that rises
when I see them
bounce across the floor

One hundred and eight little chances
to discount the process of taming anger
on a daily basis 
is not what the holy ones intended
when they dreamed this up

but there are
some of us
for whom such inner taming
is erasure

Lay the beads in the right hand
over the middle finger
Tangled on the ego finger
From the head bead 
move on to the next 
using the thumb alone
seeking in the count 
the OM
but finding instead
the void