Congratulations on your purchase
of what you just purchased
It will be exactly what you desire
It will meet every one of your myriad needs

It’s the perfect fit for your busy lifestyle
It’s the perfect mix of value and long term return on investment
It’s the perfect size for the modern household
It’s the perfect marriage of green and gold

It has all the potential you’ve sought in such a thing
It has the most power of any in its class
It has a convenient carry case made of leather
It has a tradition of years of handicraft and struggle

It is the Swiss Army Knife of nostalgia for a Golden Age
It is the Volkswagen of nonchalant journey
It is the Stovetop Stuffing of Be Here Now
It is the Light Bulb of What’s In The Closet Mommy

It will be for you a brazen butterfly of last chance dance
It will wipe your mouth of sorrow
It will slay the heart-dragon of childhood regret
It will tell you a nice bedtime story after tucking you in 

It won’t clog your dream pipe
It won’t creep past the window from the corner of your eye
It won’t damage pets or the elves of the hearth
It won’t breathe a word of what it saw in the mud room that day

Congratulations on driving down the New Avenue Of Hope
You’ve made a wise decision that you’ll enjoy for years
You won’t be disappointed even if it betrays you a little later
for it’ll subsume you cough you out and make you new in its way